With 6 papers down, i'm just left with 6 more. It's not the end that i'm after, it's actually the so-called destiny that i myself have created. I always tell myself that it's all just a dream, an image, a fake story created by my imagination. Building castles in the air never felt this real. 6 papers are wasted cos i didn't study them at all. I just knew i didn't. I'm just using the fact of my disturbed family status as an excuse to garner attention, an excuse to fail. I don't know why i am doing this. Oh wait, that's a lie.
Fuelled by feelings of unrequited love, i press on into the dark road ahead. As you all know, i separated from my crush this year once i told her that i was in love in her. Yes, i wasn't good enough for her. That's why it just had to go away. And ever since, life has changed. She used to be the reason why i excelled. I always tell myself that i should do well to impress her. But with her gone, i just lost a reason to live. Not only have my grades fall, my standards too fall sharply. [My English is evident enough for my declining grades.] Everything I do became a little less perfect. Then it went from good to bad and ending up right now to worst. I became 'vulgar', short-tempered, complacent, boastful, selfish, materialistic and even lustful. And it's all because i lost a reason to live. But is this a reflection of my true self? I know for my next 85 years, i will never be near her. So will i act this way for the rest of my life? Is this a sign for what lies in front of me? For those who hated me, or even those who resented me for my past actions, I relief you as i share those same views. It's just that i don't want to hear those words. Thus, it has lead me to an unchanged manner. After all, who wants to hear your own flaws?
Lost a reason to live? What abt the other reasons? Are they not strong enough to get me be like the times of sec 1 and 2? Or is it that the loss of her was too strong that it just wiped away all the other reasons to live and just told me, "Hey, just kill yourself."? It could be that. But i'm stiil alive. Maybe it's because i want to be noticed. Maybe it's to tell my FATHER that his son is in trouble. Or maybe my MOTHER that her son is killing himself inside out. Attention. I'm just plain immature. Like a baby boy, i cry for attention. WHAT AM I? This just contradicts with what i have worked for the last 18 months. Where's my professionalism?
Professionalism was one of my measures to get her heart. But she just didn't see it.
I just want to pull heaven down and hop on. I can't focus. I can't breathe. I can't do anything right. I'm not perfect, that's why.
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