Sunday, October 14, 2012

Where are these in us?

We have a fighter in our midst. This fighter will never give up. This fighter will never stop rising. This fighter will be forever. So I'm booking in later at 6. I really can't wait for another week. All because I am looking forward to another 5 days of mind games with my superiors. These 5 days will also be another test for me to gather ideas, thoughts and emotions that are around me, organise and lay it all out. After all, there are more than just words.

Stalking is a reality. Facebook is really scary. With a few punches of the keys, I could track down one of my superiors. Surreal. That man where I revered as a model of leadership has a human side. I respect him for his actions are impactful. They don't lack reasoning or purpose. But what makes his actions stand out is how it strikes in my mind. Well, if you have another superior who seems to have made doubtful actions from his incomplete ideas, then the comparison seems more of unfair. His leadership model represents what a learnt and hardworking person can do with leadership knowledge. Remember, a leader gathers followers. A strong leader doesn't need to gather.

One of my superiors has a character that confuses me. It's his basis of teachings that makes this whole NS experience different. He wants to reveal true colours of our reality. These intentions makes him a great teacher of truth. However, he locks down on the selfishness of society that contradicts his ideals of a team. A team is a group of people that work and unselfishly serves together. But the reality, that he is touting, is that everyone do not want to be a team. The thought of disapproval and discomfort scares them. He wants us to realise that this society is selfish and is out to get you. We did. We also realised how reality needs to change from being selfishly individualistic to single-selfishly serving together as one. We have to be selfish, for the right reasons.

I serve my country. They serve because they have to. This alone should give you something about the class segregations. When you are rich, you have paper to spend. And you start to think on what to spend on. Opportunities come abound for you and the cycle continues. Your priority grows to supply the root of this thought process; Money. When you are poor, you go through the same process, it's just that your priority is to live to the next day.

The rich are already rich and they want to stay that way. The poor are poorly living and they want to survive. The middle, neither rich or poor, want to be rich and want to survive. The rich and poor fight a war each. And all of a sudden, we have to fight 2 wars.

Of paper money, qualifications and what not, we have ideas on what to be in the future. Our values and beliefs guide us in this. What if you don't have ideas of the future. What if your war is not to become richer or to survive or both? What if you have no war?

That is me. What I am missing has been replaced by something people loathe; My future is to serve my country well, in these 2 years that is. I asked my squad mates if you are WILLING to DIE for our country, they are taken aback like as if it is something alien. They are not but I am. Make no mistake, I am not serving blindly. I have realised the bigger and better opportunities outside. But I just have not come across them just as yet. I am sure, when I am presented with those opportunities, I would have the same alien mindset towards patriotic death. I am thankful I did not delve down this path that almost everyone else has stepped on. This presents me the chance to see in a whole new perspective.

Recently, I pose myself with questioning my worthiness. And since my schedule allows me to ponder into my abyss mind with great amount of time, so I task myself during the next 5 days.

Values. Beliefs. Worth. Where are these in us?

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Iron sights.

I got this off from a friend.
Remembering Worth and Meaning.
Say you found the meaning of life for a price. Will you be satisfied to trade it for something, something as intangible, the worth of life?
I don't really like how things are going but I will persevere. It does suck to know there seems to be no one out there to talk but that's the harsh reality of life. He says suck your thumb while you're at it. They say take it a cup half full. I say fuck critics. This is war that I define myself, I fight my own war. I fight my own war alone.  
Tonight you sleep in comfort that tomorrow your friends and family are still there. But be ready. Tomorrow might be otherwise. Are you ready to serve without fear or favour? Can you suppress the common emotions that follow and oppress them? Are you willing to strike in a moment's notice? Will you be able to commit even if your heart defies as much to the words that you have heard?  
Are you ready? 
 It's funny how things turn out these days. WELL then, time waits for no one.

4 weeks into this 'training programme', body looks sharp but the mind is faking out. Never dreaded the fact that I am not doing something I really want. Just kept reminding that this is a need. What I dread was to to keep constantly changing myself. Always love to be simple about things around me because to me, it is the simplest things that make life worth it.

Went out last night, came home late and just wondered how long I could last. Better still, I wondered when it's time to be 6 feet under. I'm not being pessimistic or anything. I just am a realist. And as a realist, it's my fucking duty to be a reality check.

What is your worth?

Posed that question more than a year back. I wrote it on my whiteboard and left it facing the glass window of the clubhouse. Thinking it was just a good reminder to those passersby who, well, is just passing life away. I just wanted to open eyes and minds. To my surprise, someone actually wrote a reply and slipped under the door. The answer slipped my mind but it went something like this, "I guess my life is worthless. Wouldn't you agree?"

I remember my response to it, "Why can't you make it worth?"

I know friends who just simply find this NS hoohaa a huge complete waste of time. Their argument is valid. That 2 years of their time could be make or break. Their studies, work, life. But what I don't understand is why can't they understand the need. Yeah, the fact that it puts a fork in our road kinda devalues the meaning. But still, that is still something to look at. I am not deterred by this. I want to talk about something else. These people have a future that they want to create. They are staying hungry, staying foolish. It seems that they found their worth. And that their worth is not of NS.

Why, why can't you make that your worth for these 2 years?

Being selfish again eh? Thankfully, war has no selfish rule. Whatever badges, insignia or flag your don on that green, it only matters where your bullets are flying. In the right direction I hope.