Monday, October 27, 2008

Don't Save Me. Don't.

Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe
Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you're alive

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Until you give
Until you've used
Until you've lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?
Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my chance

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I'll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me
I don't care

Zzyzx Rd.

It was a lie. All a lie.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Tomorrow is the day.

And to be honest to you, I'm not ready. So where does that put me? Do I squander my remaining effort? Or do I call my senses to arms, anticipate every breath to be their last? I will come without a weapon. But I will not go down without a fight.

I hold her dear to my heart. And she's the one that keeps me going. ; )

See You There.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

[Unsheathe That Sword]

A messed up room, I have. Such honour lies in me when I see this mess for it proves to me that I am alive. It is with much courage will I rival the tides in the coming weeks. It is make it or break it. I cannot guarantee anything from now on but there is one thing I can affirm with you, I will reach it.

And yes, IT is still a problem. I'll see you there. : )

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Hold Me.

Just a few words before I knock out on my bed.

GET ME AN iPod Touch!

And Mother, you open up my eyes.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I need to depend on someone. Please be my placebo, my catalyst and my heart. I really need you.

Tell Me Not To Slip Away.

I see your rational behind it. I've gone so far and now, why must I break down and discontinue this surge? Yeah, it sucks. Retaining a year has disastrous effects even just by bringing it up. But is it because of the money? Is it because of the lose of pride? Is it because you just don't want to see me stuck in the same situation? All I ask is your understanding.

I don't want to just pass. I don't want to just get into a poly or a jc. I want to excel. I want to be the best. I want to score. And right now, by telling me that I must work hard to cover 2 years' work in 2 weeks, I can't fully flap my wings. You must understand the stress I am holding. I can't focus today. I can't focus tommorow. Work is unlimited. I am trapped in the expectations of others and myself. I want to know what is stored if I take this path. I want to know that you will be supporting me. I don't want to fail. I want to be better.

So I shall not see my punishment as I enter ite. NEVER. I will see my punishment as I lower myself below the ranks of this pride. I will use these skills to built a catapult to lunge myself into the blur future. I will not take this.

If you understand me tell me that I should take this challenge and if I ever reach below the mark, you will be there telling me to retake it. Tell me to face my fears, stare it in the eyes and crush it. And that, I will be in my full potential. Realise my potential. Realise what I could do.

I don't want to slip away. Catch me Mother, please.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Would You?

I need to depend on someone. Would you be my placebo, my catalyst and my heart?

Monday, October 06, 2008

Dazed And Confused

My mom and dad wants me to continue to sit for my O's. They feel that I should plough through as I've come a long way and I have 'been taught by many teachers'. I guess their rational is that with 'more teachers', my knowledge seems to have been multiplied. They added that with rising costs and all, it's best for me to not waste money as I will be forfeiting nearly $500 of exam fees. Of course, this did follow with much 'advise of persuasion'. One of which detailed me in a solemn mood as I see all my friends move on except me. Man, how cliché could they go?

I stand quiet. The last time I argued, I got into 'trouble' where they purged me. SIGH. Can I really depend on them? It's hard to believe that they understand me when they said that "my teachers are not doing their job." HUH? They indeed downplayed one of my teachers. This just wrenches my heart. Maybe I am siding my teachers but can't they seek more truth? If I have a problem commucating with them but a lot easier with my teachers, doesn't it show anything? WHY?

One of my classmates has showed continuous devotion to my blog and thus answered a question I reached out in the last post. I was astonished when he revealed it to me. But I guess we do have another side to me. And so, I set out tonight with apologies if I have become a frightening fellow. I will be : ) to you more often!

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Cultural Shock

My mom went up to me last night and said that I gave her a scare when I spoke to her earlier just now. She added that she senses 'something' wrong about and me writing about this just give the creeps again. I was just speechless. I didn't know what to say. I have never been in this situation. Weird.

It all started as my dad wanted me to sit in for the upcoming O's. I told him that in my current rate, I will be unable to achieve what I loved most. And that is actually teaching. He said that he doesn't want me to "think of it that I would fail but just take it as life goes on". And he added that if I were to fail on my second year, I will be really a rock in a hard place. In the midst of it, my mom was suggesting that I was too scared. I exclaimed, "I AM NOT SCARED". That was coupled with my vivid facial expressions. The conversation ended with me upset. The matter is still not resolve. Shall I risk a dull sword? Or wait for my iron to be hot again so I can strike if correctly.

And my mom told me what she felt. At first, I assumed it was a scare tactic to move me but when I saw her face, I was just... speechless. You shoulc see how she explained her worries and the fears she garnered. She said that I have this stare that just abolishes all hope. No, that's just me exaggerating. :D But seriously. what she expressed danced along the same line. Wow.

After my 'cultural shock' this morning, I really am 'WOW-ed'. I must talk to my friends, my Mother, and all who know me. As I say, "Fellas, Do I Look Scary To You?", I will await their responses as I play a reel of my common and uncommon faces.


Friday, October 03, 2008

Fear Me, My Fears!

Judgement Day. A day that has long since been a threat. Never have I thought that the cogs of fate would turn this way. They say, nothing can stop it and that I say is true. All I can say right now is that I must not stay rooted in a matter. If I ever get bored of life, I will be overcoming them frequently. It's not an isolated task. It's a series of events that are stringed together so that we will remember that life is not a challenge. Overcoming it is one, but the effects hides a sharp dagger, ready to sink into your unprotected back. Before you know it, everything could turn back to the worst again.

It seems to be a blur as it happened about more than 2 years ago. During that time, I never heard a thing called 'feelings'. Emotionless. Heartless. I became Communism. My life became a play off a teenage novel that expressed life's difficulties in reality. Determining what's right was hard as the evil lurks every corner. A simple adoring with a twist of romance and a sizzle of life, it became a mountain with weak foundations. It was rarity for me to have someone smiling at you. She became my perfect half, outdoing me in every way. She became my imagination, fuelling my body to become the best. But, she became my reason to live. She smiled at me. : )

I wanted to be perfect for her, thinking that it would propel me into her heart. Haha. Just looking back brings me to a question: Why did I think of that? Haha. But as I tried to spread myself to become the best in all areas, I thinned and thinned. And the cloth that held me broke and i landed with a thud. Ever since that day, I was a just plague with constant failures. Never in my mind that she would accept me. Because I've done so much for her and to let her know that I've failed was a something I don't want to injure her. In a world of my own, I assumed.

And now, I've said my peace, settled the score and resolved my conflicts. She will be leaving the equation that has glued me into what I became in Sec 2. And with that equation, I will be on my way. But without her, how am I able to fit a term that suits her position? The answer is no. Nothing can replace her. So I plead today, for you to be my friend. For you to be my everything. You rock. x)

Your words purge my soul,
as I renewed in life.
Your touch heal my scars,
leaving the past and letting me move on.
Your smile makes my day,
even if the world betrayed me that day.
You are something so dear to me,
that I cannot lose.



Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Ah, So NOT In The Mood!

The morning of a holiday, scheduled with enormous tasks with the likes of studying, memorising and recalling. Oh, imagine the horror when I saw the inevitable pain sought upon many failures. I am so not in the mood.

My eyes are blurry. I can't see the road ahead. It's like moving forward, knowing that you are going to fail. I know this is such a negative thing to say. But that's how I really feel. I've been told since young, never ever give up. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give up. If I don't know a thing about VECTORS, I must find out about it. Refer to my E.Maths 4A TB, and put this unusual feeling to rest. If I don't understand DIFFERENTIATION, I must read up on it. Practice 'dy by dx'. Identify the different methods such as PRODUCT RULE, QUOTIENT RULE or even the requirements of the questions. If I don't think I can write a SPEECH, I must request for assistance. Ask her...

I'm always finding myself face to face with the man of ambiguity. He hands me several slabs of inexactness, throwing me off balance. However, this time I will refuse. I will tell him that if he will never hand me this guilt. He has too much damage to an extent that I am so soaked in the tears of my friends. This must end.

I always find difficulties reading fine print, let alone writing them. In fact, I find difficulties too in writing long essays that require me to express a designated idea that I don't want to express. Much ado with me doing nothing but with something I wish to write. An example would be the text above. Have you gain an understanding of the ideas? Do you know what is the issue its trying to deliver?Have you identified the topic sentence in each paragraph? If there is in the first place.

The thing about writing English text, or any text for this matter, is that it has a system that coordinates the ideas and slots them in place so much so that it looks organised, simple and clean. But of course, many of us are not familiar with that system and tend to gain a readers evil eye instead. Just like the rules of Reversi, this system will take a minute to be fully understood but it will take a lifetime to really master it. But hey, English to me is like an evolution of ideas.

The chances of someone who doesn't know about this but does follow the same structure is neglectable. In fact, our flow of writing is determined on our character because the text we write tells the reader whether we want it to be read or not. If it's elegant, surely the reader would read it. BUT if the text is all jumbled up, it gives the impression that we, writers, don't want it to be read. Haha, mush like a secret message or something.

The goal of a writer is to express, deliver, bring an idea to the reader with all the tools and tricks so as to get an elegant and smooth piece of writing. Just remember, DON'T make the reader regret reading your text! DON'T rush into your work! DON'T just leave an idea unattended! And finally, feel the vibe of writing, just like I am right now!

So, am I not in the mood? NOT....