Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Empire of Dirt

Half past 4 in the morning. We are all tired. Who would have known that this full moon early morning would suck so much from us when we are just to idle and wait for our turn.

As I returned from this grand test, I am faced with a reality. In this room, waiting for the wrap up, is a resemblance of a life I had been living.

So many slouches, drooling from their mouths. So many distracted from a real threat outside. I am the only one awake and ready to strike. Everyone else seems to be drawn into a deep slumber. Here, I sit waiting for my call. Sometimes I ask, if ever I am real for the call never ever comes.

Am I the only one perched up sitting, waiting and wishing? Am I the only one ready to strike? Then again, does it matter?

I do it for the innocent lives.
I do it for the simple future of others.
I do it for the honour of them.

It don't matter, because I got something to die for. But I want that someone to die for. Ever since then, it throws me back to a huge debacle of my need to fight and my desire to protect.

Does the love really kickstart again? Because mine didn't.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Fallen Comrades

A fellow trainee from the recent days jumped to his death yesterday. It pains me to realise that his decision was to end such a life that has so much potential.

Till this day, I cannot justify murdering oneself to escape pain, fear and failure.

One part of me loathe this will to die. But another understands this decision. At least, die for a better cause. That is all I request.

Monday, March 18, 2013

You sink the knife deeper when you mention later but later never comes.

Once in a while, I'll question you.

One way is to see how sound your moral structure is. Then I'll move on to your values, primarily of politics, gender, cultural issues and criminal minds etc. I will even sneak in a question about religion now and then but only if I ran out of things to ask. Perhaps my most favourite question, and most annoying, is about how you gather yourself and respond when I try to dispute your claims.

It's my thing, I love to see you respond. It doesn't exactly excite the conversation but more than often, makes it an argument rather than a discussion. I thrive in information, but I have learnt to skip the details and look for the right ones. Some facts are negligible but means grand to me. I look out for such 'abnormalities'. And with these, I construct my stand.

That's what I do every time with a circle of highly motivated people. Whenever I enter this meeting, I feel at ease to know that such people exist. They are simply crazy about what they do. They will go their max for a passion they would die for. These people will eventually save us. And the time I spend with them, they ushered a method to ensure that we keep bouncing, keep on our toes. So they will catch you sleeping, kick you in the stomach, spilt at you, set you on fire, throw knives and the list goes on.

We challenge each other everyday, pushing limits of our knowledge, stretching our minds and testing each other. The deal is to keep everyone awake. It sort of train us. You can't be awake at every hour. So this drives your stamina to a new limit. Then again, we all have limits.

So when I do not get responses from a conversation, I sulk. A conversation is only rich when both parties allow it to be rich. It just suggests that someone doesn't want to play ball. And it makes me sad. Because in this day and age, conversations keep me alive. Remember, people like me thrive in information. But once passed through tubes of internet, the TV or the phone lines, I find it a little repulsive. So it gets worst when you do not wish to continue such a conversation.

You sink the knife deeper when you mention later but later never comes.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Always Fighting.

I am scared. That, if it doesn't happen the way I hope it did, I'll just be trapped in this cursed loop of time. I am sick of the replays. I am sick of the same replies. I am sick of the same old me. But I am scared to change it.

What happens next could be a whole new journey or the same old story. It would be better when someone could tell me that everything would be okay. But it can't be that way. It just can't.

But I know things just gotta happen. What needs to be said, have to be said. What needs to be done, must be done.

I am fighting.

Where is this War?

"While in Rome, do as the Romans do."

That really stuck to me while on the way back from running errands. I was toying ideas in my head when the discussion on education level came about. The question is, "Why do we group the enlistees according to their highest education level?"

You would see the JC graduates in the same batch as the diploma holders. And in the Army, they are considered the leaders batch. Whereas on the other end of the scale, we have ITE graduates, NITEC or Higher NITEC students, and dropouts etc. Why? Why is there a need to distinguish at this perspective? Conversations with my friends around have yielded a negative look towards such a move. I quote a friend, "This is a sad reality fact of our society. Without paper (certificates/diplomas), there is nothing much to say. Personally, this highlights how we are just pawns in war."

Pawns in war? Interesting.

I guess what he was trying to say was that whoever decided this believed that if you have a piece of paper on you, it means that you are 'better'. The matter of fact is that when you are out there, no matter what, it does not matter what/who you are or were. As long as you are pointing the rifle at the right direction. THIS should be the factor for "pawns in war". I guess the redeeming fact, if any, is that each and everyone is equal. Everyone will be on equal footing. We will all start from scratch. We are all naked.

Roll in your arguments. You might involve the need for swift decision making and robust planning as part of being in the Armed Forces. And I definitely agree that not everyone has that edge when it comes to such scenarios. I've detailed it before. These snap moves require a certain kind of discipline, a certain kind of skill set and ultimately a certain kind of experience. And these requirements are mostly fulfilled at higher education levels. It is not a matter of how much they have studied. This does not make them better.

JC-Poly students are not better. They are just better equipped.

If given the same amount of exposure and lessons/modules, everyone can achieve a similar result. I always have this firm believe that what makes you is not the things you fill yourself with. It is what you are surrounded by. Take a look at the Asch experiment: ( It's an interesting read on how we are simply greatly influenced by the things around us. Look, we are adaptable beings. So it is no surprise here.

But in the Armed Forces, we seem to take this finding to a whole new level. It might as well cause a great divide of our forces. The thing is, we do not need to separate. We do not have to resort to this method of labelling those who are better equipped and those that are not. The way I see this, it creates a negative vibe that the Armed Forces are nothing but a business model. Where is the pride? Where is the glory? Where is the camaraderie of the fighters?

But then again, why do we need fighters when there are no more fights to fight. Why do we need to prepare for war when there are no more wars?

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Back burning, sweat dripping, heart's pumping.

The weak will perish. But you won't.

"Don't fall in love. It blinds you mostly from the real world. You might be at cloud nine but those around you aren't.

The work we do cannot have us blinded. One step, one moment, one mistake is all it takes for all to end.

The enemies are the biggest, baddest, hardest. Then, we have to be bigger, badder, harder."

3rd Team Leader

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Prologue: Progress

There's something about one's desire to be better. In this world, those chevrons, national crests and diamond stars on the shoulders mean something important about progress.

Perhaps we need a kind of feedback. Perhaps it's built into us to desire power. Perhaps we have nothing else but this to look forward.

Once my Police course manager mentioned that to attain the higher rank requires more than the years you serve. It's not an automatic thing where you serve that amount of years and you would get it. To be appointed a higher rank, you have to carry the responsibilities of that higher rank and the current one you are holding.

So it coincides with the nature of improving oneself to be 'better'. It makes sense. You will only start being better when you do more than what you are already comfortable with. One can simply add that we need to be hungry, not greedy.

And when you have finally proved your worth to hold those responsibilities, you will finally reach the apex of being better by attaining that higher rank. There's this notion of a much shunned "results-first-reward-later" mentality.

It makes sense doesn't it? Just that the many ranks illustrate many phases of being better at something. The higher you climb, the better you get. Simple logic.

And in the midst of leaders, the better you are, the higher your 'rank' will be in the eyes of others. Especially when we are exceptionally attracted to the 'creative' ideas that comes from these extraordinary leader. It's as though he's perfect. But he's not.

The matter of fact is that all of us were once noobs of life. We had to start somewhere. We used to suck. The deal is that some of us are better off than others. Some learn faster, some get exposed more, some pounce on the chances faster.

It was never fair in the first place. So when we try to force something called democracy, there will be opposition. It's like a body rejecting a transplanted organ. But it's not unfair in the hands of those around us. This is created by the above.

Far higher, far superior, far perfect than man. Unfairness stems from the natural nature of God. We were born differently in the first place, so stop asking for fairness, equality, democracy.