We say oh we oh we oh we oh.

"Maybe, just maybe, if we wait long enough, we would see each other."

Hope is what we tell ourselves when we don't get something we can't get, something we don't work for, something we don't deserve. But hope is something that keeps millions of peoples' lives up and running. And ruining millions of peoples' lives is something that we can't have in our circumstances.

SO I got myself a PS3. I am pretty rad about my purchase. I have been prancing over the idea for almost a year now and the PS4 is going to come out soon enough. But I say, "Hey, you don't get it now, you're going to dwell with that idea and you will be going through that same thought process to convince you to buy that. Just go for it. No holding back. Pounce on it."

Well yeah, there is something called the right time. But there is also in existence a handful that just sit on their hands and do nothing. So I say, just go for it.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."  -Mark Twain

This simple quote captures the beauty of trendsetters, of risk takers, of ball-less-beastly-brave men.

But I do realise that there's something about being ball-less-beastly-brave and being stupid. You can't simply go by just your feeling but 'feeling'. You gotta know when to pull the trigger. Yeah, there are times where information is limited and your decision is far from decided. What I am saying is the acts where we become completely detached from the brain. There are those in this world where they machine gun their way in. Man, don't they run out of bullets soon?!

There is the natural instinct that guides you when your decision making moments get clouded. It is the hunch, it is that feeling. That urge. That tick. That voice. Most importantly, that surge of confidence.

One thing's for sure. I don't want to regret the things I do. So I make sure I put in my 100%. And today's soccer fix wasn't my 100%. BAH.

Kill Time in a Civilised Way

About 2 years ago, my feet won't touch the ground.

A year later, I was knee deep in something.

This time around, I plan to walk on water.

Of the things to come, it is hard to give up the ways of the old. In fact, I am culturally acceptable of this culture. So it makes it hard to kick this 'habit'. You know what they say right? When in Rome, do as the Romans do. There is no glory to be had if you oppose this currents. Truthfully speaking the only glory you might be able to find is when the currents go your way. But then again, this business is not about glory. It's about value and meaning. More importantly for me, it's about worth.

Then again, we should start running.

I want to lay back on the haystack. But I can't find one. So instead, I lay back in words. I sink deep into much of literature. By no means is this an enrichment for the mind, more of my natural response to kill time in a civilised way. Ironically, I have a book that seems to be months into my reading. It just doesn't click well with what I do nowadays. Today is about fighting for your mind. Finding meaning and value and worth and your place in that society. Tipping Point is about epidemics, the look of spread of ideas. I hate it when I force myself to read. It's like forcing myself to pee into a cup. Bah.

Recently, I have a marred perception of the people around me. Just that, everyone is complaining nowadays. What the flying ferrets is this? Look, I will hear you out. I will make sure that I will hear your every words. But if you keep on complaining day in and day out, I don't think it works best for you. The problem will still be there. I am complaining about the complains. Ironic.

Maybe it is closer to whining but I always associate that to kids. And maybe a particular junior I have in my club.

Here's my advise. Stop complaining. Start fixing. Though you can be assured that even if I feel mortally disgusted by your words of an auntie who didn't get her way when she was queueing for a discount, I will still hear you out. Why? I know how it feels when you are not listened, it's a lonely World.

Can I tell you something? For the love of cats, dogs and all the living things in the World, don't give up. If you do, I hate you for not loving cats and dogs and all the living things in the World.

The Art of Flight and Fright

Sometimes you just get the better of yourselves. Really. One day, you remind yourselves of the duties and the services for the betterment of your cause and another day, you just lose it and blame the whole world. Honestly, I’ve stared down that path. And honestly, we need less of these people.

We need highly motivated people for the right stuff. No time for time wasters, no time for nays, no time for losers, no time for sucker. Real work needs real dedicated people. So that’s why when a man so passionate for his cause comes by, we become so mesmerised by his presence. We get hooked on his smell of success that inhibits our soft skulls.

And that’s good because it now motivates us to do something. Unfortunately, we do things for the wrong reasons. After digging our toes into this quest, we realised that the path a motivated one took is much more harder than it seems. We tremble and we kinda give up. Boohoo.

So that’s why we have this problem; We get the better of ourselves. It’s not due to our flamboyance when we are defined of success but it’s because we can’t reach the top. We get cranky. We blame the whole world.

And so I say, for the love of God, do with reason.

There are just too many people giving up these days. No shit.

The Daily Riles

Fellas, it has been 2 months. It has been 8 weeks. It has been 54 days. It has been one hell of a ride. And guess what, I AM STILL IN ONE PIECE. Police National Service is doing good for now. Thought I did draw some comparisons from the nearby company that hosts regular officers. Or as one of my good buddies put it, "The ones who are courageous enough to sell their soul, to the DEVIL." Courage? Maybe. Just maybe.

Training is simple yet effective enough for me to lose 4 waist sizes down. The lack of sleep did definitely help somehow. I just got this feeling that the training is just not enough. Obviously everyone loves to have a toned and well built body. So when NS came by, I had the idea that we would return to society in 2 years with the body of what media deem fit. I just expect too much huh?

Maybe it could just be that I'm still 'sour' from my mono-intake enlistment. You can't simply regret getting enlisted into Police. It's equivalent to striking big in a casino. But maybe, it could be the joke? For me though, I'd rather have a go for Army. It's like a ritual you see. So many stories of Army all around you, one definitely just have to get the rift of it. I've been so put through the NS 'publicity', under the impression that NS equates to Army. Oh why not? All the pre-NS talk were all about Army. Little did I know that Police was my fate.

I don't regret my assignment here. But I do recognise what a missed opportunity it is to not be in Army. Imagine the conversations of the times in the mud, the sergeant who is more of an ass, and the laughs of some dodo in the platoon. Memories, that I will never make.

Food just received a major upgrade. As I put it in tweet, the food transformed from prison to near-hotel grade. Now, who wouldn't think this as a chalet now huh?! And this drew some discussions on whether the quality would sustain for the coming months. It's like how we always dress our best for the best day of work. But as days become weeks become months, out perfectly ironed shirt is substituted to a New Balance dri-fit shirt you got from a race you slept through. Now now, where is your pride in your work?

"Make it worth, Zul." -Lasting words from a great friend.

True, 2 years is long, so make it worth. If you are going to just be sad all day because you don't like what you are given, then, I'm not gonna hang around you. Your negativity vibes is a killer. I want to surround myself with good people. Crying all day won't make it worth your 2 years. Doing what you don't want to is also not going to make it worth your 2 years. But can we at least try?

You can take this NS as an experience to be part of the government workhorse agency. You can try to be fitter and get into a Jason-Bourne-isque assignment/vocation. You can sharpen your leadership skills. And my favourite, you can have just loads of fun in NS.

The world is following a formula of 'success': Study assiduously, chase the big bucks, become "mortgage slaves," quickly get married, and have a kid.

Really guys?

Where are these in us?

We have a fighter in our midst. This fighter will never give up. This fighter will never stop rising. This fighter will be forever. So I'm booking in later at 6. I really can't wait for another week. All because I am looking forward to another 5 days of mind games with my superiors. These 5 days will also be another test for me to gather ideas, thoughts and emotions that are around me, organise and lay it all out. After all, there are more than just words.

Stalking is a reality. Facebook is really scary. With a few punches of the keys, I could track down one of my superiors. Surreal. That man where I revered as a model of leadership has a human side. I respect him for his actions are impactful. They don't lack reasoning or purpose. But what makes his actions stand out is how it strikes in my mind. Well, if you have another superior who seems to have made doubtful actions from his incomplete ideas, then the comparison seems more of unfair. His leadership model represents what a learnt and hardworking person can do with leadership knowledge. Remember, a leader gathers followers. A strong leader doesn't need to gather.

One of my superiors has a character that confuses me. It's his basis of teachings that makes this whole NS experience different. He wants to reveal true colours of our reality. These intentions makes him a great teacher of truth. However, he locks down on the selfishness of society that contradicts his ideals of a team. A team is a group of people that work and unselfishly serves together. But the reality, that he is touting, is that everyone do not want to be a team. The thought of disapproval and discomfort scares them. He wants us to realise that this society is selfish and is out to get you. We did. We also realised how reality needs to change from being selfishly individualistic to single-selfishly serving together as one. We have to be selfish, for the right reasons.

I serve my country. They serve because they have to. This alone should give you something about the class segregations. When you are rich, you have paper to spend. And you start to think on what to spend on. Opportunities come abound for you and the cycle continues. Your priority grows to supply the root of this thought process; Money. When you are poor, you go through the same process, it's just that your priority is to live to the next day.

The rich are already rich and they want to stay that way. The poor are poorly living and they want to survive. The middle, neither rich or poor, want to be rich and want to survive. The rich and poor fight a war each. And all of a sudden, we have to fight 2 wars.

Of paper money, qualifications and what not, we have ideas on what to be in the future. Our values and beliefs guide us in this. What if you don't have ideas of the future. What if your war is not to become richer or to survive or both? What if you have no war?

That is me. What I am missing has been replaced by something people loathe; My future is to serve my country well, in these 2 years that is. I asked my squad mates if you are WILLING to DIE for our country, they are taken aback like as if it is something alien. They are not but I am. Make no mistake, I am not serving blindly. I have realised the bigger and better opportunities outside. But I just have not come across them just as yet. I am sure, when I am presented with those opportunities, I would have the same alien mindset towards patriotic death. I am thankful I did not delve down this path that almost everyone else has stepped on. This presents me the chance to see in a whole new perspective.

Recently, I pose myself with questioning my worthiness. And since my schedule allows me to ponder into my abyss mind with great amount of time, so I task myself during the next 5 days.

Values. Beliefs. Worth. Where are these in us?

Iron sights.

I got this off from a friend.

Remembering Worth and Meaning.

Say you found the meaning of life for a price. Will you be satisfied to trade it for something, something as intangible, the worth of life?

I don't really like how things are going but I will persevere. It does suck to know there seems to be no one out there to talk but that's the harsh reality of life. He says suck your thumb while you're at it. They say take it a cup half full. I say fuck critics. This is war that I define myself, I fight my own war. I fight my own war alone.  

Tonight you sleep in comfort that tomorrow your friends and family are still there. But be ready. Tomorrow might be otherwise. Are you ready to serve without fear or favour? Can you suppress the common emotions that follow and oppress them? Are you willing to strike in a moment's notice? Will you be able to commit even if your heart defies as much to the words that you have heard?  

Are you ready? 

 It's funny how things turn out these days. WELL then, time waits for no one.

4 weeks into this 'training programme', body looks sharp but the mind is faking out. Never dreaded the fact that I am not doing something I really want. Just kept reminding that this is a need. What I dread was to to keep constantly changing myself. Always love to be simple about things around me because to me, it is the simplest things that make life worth it.

Went out last night, came home late and just wondered how long I could last. Better still, I wondered when it's time to be 6 feet under. I'm not being pessimistic or anything. I just am a realist. And as a realist, it's my fucking duty to be a reality check.

What is your worth?

Posed that question more than a year back. I wrote it on my whiteboard and left it facing the glass window of the clubhouse. Thinking it was just a good reminder to those passersby who, well, is just passing life away. I just wanted to open eyes and minds. To my surprise, someone actually wrote a reply and slipped under the door. The answer slipped my mind but it went something like this, "I guess my life is worthless. Wouldn't you agree?"

I remember my response to it, "Why can't you make it worth?"

I know friends who just simply find this NS hoohaa a huge complete waste of time. Their argument is valid. That 2 years of their time could be make or break. Their studies, work, life. But what I don't understand is why can't they understand the need. Yeah, the fact that it puts a fork in our road kinda devalues the meaning. But still, that is still something to look at. I am not deterred by this. I want to talk about something else. These people have a future that they want to create. They are staying hungry, staying foolish. It seems that they found their worth. And that their worth is not of NS.

Why, why can't you make that your worth for these 2 years?

Being selfish again eh? Thankfully, war has no selfish rule. Whatever badges, insignia or flag your don on that green, it only matters where your bullets are flying. In the right direction I hope.

Titanium Effort.

"Jonan was saying that working and military service is different. I say, my attitude to both is not; Always 100%

And I do give 110% in some occasions. To you. "

Devices of Learning.

I am not allowing them to change me. The way they do things become something so inhumane that it only seems easy to see that their objective is to turn us into robots. Though based on a model on fast discipline, it forgoes the culture element that makes us human. Imagine this, a mother constantly hurts a child on the arm whenever that child nears the electrical socket. As time passes, the child will not move any inch closer to that socket. Easy enough?

The thing is, the child fears the pain, not the electrical socket. The intention was to prevent any danger, hurt. It is a solid intention, to be safe. But then, this learning model uses a device of pain. Another device it uses is the vagueness of information that is being relayed to the parties. Basically, the less they know, the less they think, the more they focus on the results. As an added touch, the final device represents the parties' agreement to submit fully, or in full consent. However, most of the times, the fear that strikes them ensures full consent is present. So much for first impressions huh?

Think with purpose, act with reason.

The things I hate the most is people shouting. What's worse is people shouting at me without reason. Or so it seems. The fact that information is always being withdrawn means you can't link why a big built man is shouting at you with you in push up position. It doesn't makes sense. What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why must he shout at me? Why can't I do that?

Being raised by 2 cultures, I am a mixed bag of beans. Questions constantly abound in my head relating to morals, values and religion. Even with the lack of answers, it taught me one thing, prudent in actions. I never do things without a reason. I never think without a meaning.

Being far from the Truth.

But the truth is, we are here to serve the Nation. Defend our shores, protect lives, uphold community values and be rooted in the heart of a country in the midst of conflicts that surround us. That's the truth. And still, I see our bodies there but not our hearts and minds.

I choose to serve. I choose to die for my nation. Did you?

That's why I am putting my very best foot forward. I can't wait to book out and I can't wait to book in. I want to sweat. I want to feel pain. I want to make my body feel better. I want it. Some call me crazy, allowing 2 years of my life to be spent so carelessly like so. But I don't think so. I found a meaning for something so many feel like a waste. This is because I realised the truth and that, made me find a reason to move forward.

The truth eludes us because we fail to realise the need for it. We do as we are told and we become soul-less humans. We are might as well considered mercenaries.

110%

Giving it all out is the bare minimum. Only when you love what you do, you eat, sleep, shit your work, then, that's the 110%.

I am giving Police my 100%. I am giving her my 110%. Get that fact straight.

Smile Like You Mean It

And so, it is tomorrow huh? I'm enlisting into Police for the next 2 years so expect me to be less human and more robot. Oh wait, that the Army. LOL. It will be fun. It should be. I mean, I've been waiting to move on for so... frigging... long... So yeah. Finally, it's today! So as my parting piece of literature today, I say, "Hope for the best, expect the worst. People depend on you still, but do know, you can't depend on others."

Pretty rad huh?

Yeah, I just can't seem to depend on people nowadays. They seem to betray you every single fucking time. I always thought it would be a win-win situation. But I think wrongly sometimes. So last night, I watched my hopes go away. But thankfully, I got myself covered. Probably because I got a strong 3G connection. Mostly because, I saw it coming. And I knew what to do next. Despite so much learning, I still made that. But I sleep tonight knowing it was worth the shot. 2 hours in, it's this time where I realised that maybe, just maybe, I was designed, developed and created to be solitary. So that I can absorb what is around me instead of to be engrossed in what is in front of me.

At this stage, is it even worth not losing them? Beats me.

Oh yeah, Twitter updates through SMS. That got me excited. Few days back, a senior of mind passed some tips of surviving in NS. 1) Don't jump the gun. Chin high up but don't look down on others. 2) Respect the Service. Serve for the Nation. Meet the needs for the Service. 3) Try. You will never regret if you tried. Hard and fast. But can I add in mine? Think with purpose, act with reason.

Speaking of acting, I was asked about the worth of things. Sprouting from a conversation if I would rush for a closing MRT door, he was puzzled why we fear the dangers.

"I would have ran. But I didn't because it's a rule. A rule to keep me safe." 

"So you fear the rule?" 

"No no, I fear the dangers." 

"Consider that MRT door closing is like a chance in life, would you miss that chance in life?" 

"Let's see, is it worth your feet? Say I can give you 10 seconds of that time you rushed for the door. But in exchange, you give me your feet as a consequence of the foot snapping your feet off. Is it worth it?"

"... No"

"Yeah. What's the worth?" 

What's the worth? I can safely say that whatever that is on the train or whatever that needs you to not miss that train, if that whatever is worth losing your feet, than it is worth it.

At the end of the day, we all go 6 feet under. So stop confusing the shit out of me and help me so that I can help you. I just want to see you, all of you, smile. Smile like you mean it. 

"But then, there are some of us that grew up to be neither here nor there, being in the middle. That sucks. You have no solid ground. You have nothing to grab on. Because all in your head is that you got alive alone, and you will die alone.

Not faceless. Not a scum. Just not even human."

This could be an amusing piece.

"I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right."

I ran twice yesterday. Okay, maybe 1 and a half. But to get a running fix after a month of immobility, it's just surreal. I thought my body would break before I even finish my routes. So much for faith yeah? Nonetheless, I was handed the punishment of running more than what my body can take, aches. Woke this morning with almost both of my legs frozen. Though unnerving, I had a slight smile. All I know, from these pain, is that I am still alive.

Right after my second run, with a friend, I just had an epiphany. Most of the times, I release that leash I had on my mind when I have trusted surroundings. While many times the mind churns our utter bullshit, it did had numerous times unveil some jaw-droppers. So yesterday, it just had one added to its tally.

I figured it all out. Everything. And I didn't like it. WELL THEN, sucks to be me huh?

On my last day of work, a close colleague of mine was talking about how he is going to go to his best friend's place and just lepak there. I remembered that he had mentioned that he went to play his console games at his place last week. So I told him you seem to hang a lot with him! "Best friend what. You don't do that with your best friend meh?" "Nope. I don't have one."

Stunned. He asks, "No. You must have one person you hang out always." "Yeah, but if you put it that way, then everyone in my best friend. Other than that, I have none.", I replied. "I'm sure there's one person you would one to call when things are shit." "Hmm... Nope. I've never thought of calling anyone when things are in shit. I just thought it all out.", I answered.

Let's break this down with 3 things:

First, I might be strong willed in life. Constantly progressing on. However, I might be an antisocial son of a gun. Prioritising work before relationships. My time is dedicated to progress and less time on these friendships and thus, less time to talk about shit things.
Second, this could be a pursuit of perfection. Some calls it the quest to be idolised, to be framed, to be remembered. Imagine a perfect self, so pure, so sought for. And then again, I might have confidence issues that stem from a fear of showing weakness. (Since sharing your difficulties might be regarded as a sign of weakness.)
Third, I just show no bias, regarding every friendship as important. This can easily mean the lack of culture, the link that defines your humanity. You might as well be called a robot.

Put it simply guys, I just have not found that best friend yet. But that doesn't mean that I am going to search the globe and find. I became optimistic. Everyone I know will be important. No matter what. It might be impossible, and something's gotta give. So I think, let it be me.

Do you know how it feels when someone has much faith in you, when someone has much hope in you, when someone has much belief in you? It feels tremendous. And do you know how it feels when someone has lost faith, hope and belief in you? I can only pray you don't have to experience that.

I think I found it recently. But everyone is saying otherwise. I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right.

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it

I don't believe it makes me real

I thought it'd be easy but no one believes me

I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy

But nothing can save me

But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own, on my own

I tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It's hard to believe me it never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

Making Teachers Great Pt2

Previously as a part series of How To Make Teachers Great (Link)
Check out the series here! (Link)

The TED Talk video mentioned 2 things that grabbed my attention. First, how the World viewed or prioritise issues. For example, in the video, more research is put into balding in the US then Malaria vaccines. This shouldn't be a surprising result of the shift of focus. Malaria is controlled in US and it doesn't seem natural for the government to continue research when something is already 'solved'.

But the harsh fact that they, and we, ignore is that Malaria is still not cured. Poorer countries are still having Malaria infections in a large scale basis. They do not have the freedom to research and find a cure because they are not rich. Resources are not as freely accessed as opposed to richer, well to do neighbours. So that is why the rich has a 'control' on what gets solved.

One side note that I just thought is how time plays a part in problem solving. Things evolve and fall a part: Diseases morph to become resistant to vaccines, carriers change behaviour, vaccines get outdated. When a problem is tackled swiftly and efficiently, there is a tipping point where the problem just shrinks and becomes another controlled variable. Effectively, it becomes solved. Another issue that couples the rich and poor dilemma is with only limited to no access to resources, poorer countries take a longer time to solve problems.

The second item that really got me thinking is how Bill Gates related feedback as a way to become great. I resonate with him that only when we know that we are doing the wrong things that we enable the opportunity for us to learn mistakes and correct ourselves. We ENABLE it. Whether we choose to learn or correct is another issue on decision making.

And let's look at how our body function. When our body senses pain, it sends signals to our brain and we direct our attention to the pain. Naturally, we will move our body away from the source of pain to cease the act of pain. Feedback is evident here. When the signals are being sent, our body feedbacks to us and we act accordingly.

SO! What is the state of teaching that we have in Singapore? I suggest we stop referring this as another industry. It is not some other business avenue. In fact, if we do look at it that way, it shares the same concept with prostitution. We are paying people to service another human. Teaching nowadays seems heavily capitalised. People look it as a career, with the salary in mind.

Thankfully, when you have passionate people, 9 out of 10 times, they are really, really good. Why? Experience. No matter if they took 5, 10, 15 years to be of a standard we define as good, they have solid experience that goes a long way. And from what I've studied so far, you can't replicate experience. It's like cloning a sheep. It's identical, but fake.

What about sustainability? Obviously, you would want to keep them for as long as they can. So we got this money paying system called le salary to quantify the rewards of teaching. Screw that will you? Your rewards are the smiles on the kids' faces. In fact, that is all you need. Do it for free.

Have you forgotten? You really REALLY know what you love and passionate about when you would do that for free.

I would, will. I would come back to Leo Club for free. I would help Singapore Red Cross without a price tag. I would help because it's not about getting karma points or gaining hours for a scholarship application. I just want to help. Don't you?

Here's a business idea!

Here's a business idea...

Twitter is for thoughts of ideas that are short enough to be posted. 140 characters to be exact.

A blog is for a literature of ideas that possess a flow which normally lives in a form of a story. It should be long. Way longer than 140 characters.

SO! We should have something that is in between. Like this post. Too long for Twitter, too short for a blog.

Or maybe, there should be just be a short blog post.

This Profound Fondness of Being Alone

I recorded this a few days back. I just had to write.

--

Today I felt bad. I have a friend that I met at the bus stop. He is partially deaf. But he can still converse normally but it is pretty hard for him. And knowing that, when our bus came, I told him that I needed to wait for a friend. And so he took the bus alone. Now I ask, why do I have this understanding that just because he is partially deaf, that I can't speak with him? What has lessons in HI Club got you? Aren't you suppose to be able to communicate with them?!

That just puzzled me. That's why in that morning, I felt a tad bit off. This was the last thing that I would be expecting from a member of a COMMUNITY SERVICE CLUB. Bleagh. I just can't grasp my decision making at that point of time. It seemed… stupid.

When I was going home, I noticed one of my TCP in-charge at the bus stop. I just had this simple eerie feeling that he was waiting for the same bus as me. And that just made me kinda turn away. Somewhere in the chasms of my flesh and bones, a sick feeling emerged when I know I had to hold a conversation.

Why? He's just your former teacher in-charge. Why can't you talk to him? I mean, you had not talked to him for pretty long. Maybe it could be a good catch up session?

I chose to sit out.

As my bus came, he inched closer to the curb. Ahh, shucks. He's taking the same bus as me. I carefully rode the mass of random crowd, making sure I board the bus behind him. Seeing it as a double deck, there are only 2 possibilities. A, he takes the upper deck which I will take the lower one and stand. B, he takes the lower deck and since I am behind, I will be able to slip up to the upper deck. Provided it has spaces that is.

Thinking back, I can't believe I thought so much.

In the end, I did not talk to him. He boarded first and took the upper deck. As I boarded, I asked if it was a good idea to wait for the next bus. I was frantically refreshing iRIS on my left hand. I told myself, "Heck it. Just talk." Which evidently didn't happen.

I do not know why but I seem to have this profound fondness of being alone.

Mind > Body?

I like how the body betrays the mind. His disgusting mannerism to give up and flag a white cloth when things seem too hard. Or is it?

Maybe it's the mind. Maybe the mind is too stubborn. Too demanding. Too stupid. He likes to push things. He likes to be better. He likes to be where the body can't go. Maybe that is disturbing.

Look at it again. The relentless requests that now seems to be 'far fetched'. When will it be enough? Or when will there be enough blood?

Finally, the roles are reversed. The mind betrays the body. If so, what will happen to the heart?

Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves, whether the things in front of us are in fact, things that are really in front of us.

Singapore's Weakness (1)

I was looking through my old Mac desktop when, in the dustiest folder of them, I found an article from an interview with Mr Stanley Tan, Chairman of SIngapore's National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre. And then I saw this screenshot of a  news article on Straits Times:

"Singaporeans’ weak civic responses and an over-reliance on the law may be an unintended consequence of successful inculcation of a key government doctrine: that only a strong state can deal with the visceral pulls and permanent fault lines of race and religion. Distrusting citizens’ ability to talk through differences, some Singaporeans seem trigger-happy in their zeal to police the frontiers of religious harmony. "

That just stuck on me. What is it about our people? Why was this screenshot made? It better be of some great importance. I don't just snip of articles from the newspaper for random reasons. So this has to be it. 

Those 2 articles were written quite some time back. And I could have sworn that I read it a million times just because I could not get a firm understanding of the concepts that they were trying to deliver. So much for speed reading. They gripped me. It was a hold tight that I needed to wrap my mind upon. It had to mean something. 

So I am going to read them again and relive the inspirations that got a hold on me. 

Straits Time article about Mr Stanley Tan

http://www.asianewsnet.net/home/news.php?id=24515&sec=3

Singapore's weak civic responses

http://hatespin.weebly.com/1/post/2011/12/why-hate-speech-doesnt-always-require-the-red-card.html

Short Changed Heroes Prologue

Okay.

How have you been? Was it a pretty long time since my last post? Got your fix of satanic music yet? Have you decided with your life just as yet? Still rocking that pair of stinky dirty sneakers? Still under the capitalism mindset?

Whatever it is, just be good. Whatever you do, whatever you become, think with purpose, do with reason. Your conviction paves your reasons, that's why when passion supersedes all, your actions become much more meaningful.

Speaking of meaningfulness, ask yourself, what have you done for the past 2 months for meaningful work? Granted, I've been more of a slacker than my current occupation of a research assistant. But what is meaningful work? Hmm.

I just want to let you know, that sometimes, only sometimes, things just work. But other than that, hope for the best, expect the worst.

"Maybe I'm just tired."

Greatest lie ever made. Weakness is a solemn way of the body, the mind or the heart indicating its nearing to breaking point. Some say when pain is felt, its weakness that is leaving. But does it really matter?

Get things done. The number one rule that we have to follow: Do with purpose. Think with reason. And without this rule, how could you move along?

So today, no stories. I just want to spend these times with something I found to be real.

Cheap and Nasty Fakes.

I am selfish. I am unkind. I am ruthless. I am me.

Spent the day well but ended in a whammer mood. Just did not expect these things to happen so suddenly. Work aside, I guess the worst of all was that I had a feeling of loathe so much.

How could one be so carefree on something so morally affecting? This is not about playing God. It's toying as God. That's fucking sick. You hover over the lines as though there were none at all. I guess the most radical thing I find is how unmoved one is about such matter. It makes you weak. I just displays your uncertainty. It suggests your cowardice.

I shall not hide the fact that I myself am not being a role model. But I just can't believe that our selfishness is this sickening. It's fucking sick.

We are such cheap and nasty fakes.

Burdens.

A burden resides. It transformed from a want to a need. It becomes to another responsibility and finally, it is a burden. A burden to become better. A burden to get the best. A burden of expectations. A burden to become. A burden to breathe. A burden to live.

Now, it's not that simple to live.

So we have come this far. We have reached. But the question is, did we get what we wanted? And the best time to look into that mirror is no other time but now. There's no later. There is no tomorrow. Graduation season kicks in for polytechnic students. 3 years passes fast. Perhaps time passes way too fast?

As I made myself comfortable in that seat, with the certificates in my hand, with the red scroll, with smiles all around, I found myself hearing the words from the master of ceremony that I had hoped for at the start of my diploma studies. But today, those words did not belong to me. They belong to them.

Man. It sucks, big time. It's at this stage, a feeling crept back. A feeling of disgust, irony, sadness and solemness. I should be there standing.

Did I work hard enough? Was I smart enough? Was I determined enough? Was I good enough? Did I try hard enough? Maybe if I tried harder, maybe if I was better, maybe if it this or that never happened. Maybe, is just maybe. And that was just enough for me to just shut my self-destructing mind.

I puffed my chest. I clapped hard. I got my smile back.

Some say, it's over and there is no use to cry over spilt milk. Some say, forward is the only way. Some say, when life is full of lemons, lemonade is the way it is. At this point, the valedictorian was speaking. She spoke with the exact excitement as one. She's beautiful. My phone received a text.

"Eh, you're not speaking?"

I replied, "Haha. Yeah. Nope. Didn't put in enough to become one."

Moments later, "Well, must try harder! Haha. You're not the valedictorian type anyway."

That made me smile wider. Not because of how it was just funny or how his sarcasm just made my day. It was not the nature of it. It has the real true meaning of life. It would be easier if I believed in destiny or fate. But here's the fact of life. If you're not made for it, you will not be it. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

You can't be all of everything. You are just you.

thinking and doing.

Some people fall in love and live. Some people fall in love and get quicksand.

And I get all these ideas from someone?

I'm in school doing some thing I shouldn't be. Basically, studying that is. Got some books on batteries and started understanding how they worked. It's a pretty good read. But here lies a little problem, I get bored way too easy. WAY TOO EASY. Just looking at my list of posts, I have about 3 incomplete posts in draft. That just goes to show how unfocused I am.

OH WELL. The last few days have been rough. But as how I have lived by so far, if I survived yesterday, I will survive today. On Monday, I completed my move to an adult world by passing a great opportunity to work with one of the largest multi-national companies in the world. I just simply passed it.

I questioned my motives, like always. It seemed so fucking surreal that I am doing such things. To think 3 years back, I would not have imagined my luck and would just say yes. Oh, now I get it. It makes sense now.

Being opportunistic, is the discipline to say no. It's not the ability to agree to everything and balance it all out in 24 hours of a life. I did that 3 years back. And it felt fake. It did not feel rewarding. How can one still be lost when he's receiving all the extraordinary chances?! Scholarship. Country representation. Management experience. Those make a good portfolio. A fucking good one.

On a long enough timeline, one's survivability rate drops to zero. And on this timeline, I became ingenuine in my work. Days grew longer and harder. All these chances weren't making me better. They made me a slave of my own expectations.

So I said no to a good job because I did not want to do fake work. I can't code much anyway. And I knew that I was not ready to change myself. Though we trained ourselves to be better, faster, efficient machines, we are still humans. Humans can't be machines, we make mistakes. Even machines make mistakes.

Don't confuse it with one's failure to adapt. We have to recognise that the only constant is change but when things are not right, you feel it. When you decide to adapt to that change rather then reject it, is the stage where you accept that uneasy feeling. It may make you an asset to a company to do whatever that comes your way but to me, it's not worth it.

Like in the adult world, there is a time where you are unemployed. That's my time now.

Be it the inability to adapt, stupid decisions or just bad luck, you have to make sure that you are thinking with reason and doing with purpose. Else, you might as well be dead.

Reality Check.

When you are earning money, all of a sudden, taking the cab seems to be an okay idea. Back in my bus concession days, I would go to extra lengths just to take a bus. Even if the urgency warrants a taxi ride, I wouldn't.

Weird huh? Just to save that extra cents or dollars perhaps.

I seem to not be the only person being so motivated by busses. The matter of fact is that I seem to accept the fact to be even later if I am late. I wouldn't take the whatever steps, be it necessary or not, to be urgent.  But I do feel guilty that is. It is a mindset that I WOULD NOT WANT my kids to follow. Being early is a definitely plus and the ability to be on time speaks golden of your skills to bend time. However, being late is just ugh.

It has become this unspoken code of conduct that being late is like being on trial for treachery. It sucks to be late. No shit. I become late most of the time. The unnatural feedback of the phenomena is how we, my group of friends, respond to the act of being late. They simply brushed it off. Now, that's just really weird.
 
I've had a great time today. It's wonderful to see those faces yet again. And it worries me again.

We start to talk about what we did and it just struck me, "Do I have something worthy to mention?". But that's not the real blow. I guess it is just the flow of thoughts on why I do not have something to talk about. That icky feeling that floats around. Then it dwells to why I am not doing the necessary steps to reach that goal.

Yeah, why not ah? But the thing is, is it a goal that I want?

It is a dangerous mindset to live by. That semi-ignorant feeling that failed to recognise the current needs and not take steps to solve or even salvage the situation. It is disgusting. It is the life of a worth-less.

Man, I got to take some time off.

The not so hearty part of HTHT (2)

Following rave reviews of my previous post (read: shameless), I guess I have to do a follow-up.

A friend asks, "You lonely? So lonely and depressed that you don't have a slightest chance of an opportunity to even talk to a person?! GEEZ, talk to yourself!"

Another points out, "Dude, people HTHT to let things go man! WTF is your problem? Let them be!"

And thankfully, not everyone in this world is a troll, "I don't think HTHT should be 'generalised' as an activity of thrill. There are people who do genuinely care and they would offer a listening ear even if it's out of their own expense. Just my 2 cents."

Okay, here's my response.

I don't like to label. The way I see about HTHT is that we are having an exclusive association for this. (read: psychology has a study on the effects of human behaviour when we have associations with physical and non-physical objects. blah blah blah...)

An example for exclusive associations would be how we respond to fear. Doesn't it make you ask yourself why people have phobias about spiders? And it's even weirder when you see the stats and ask, why do only a certain handful freak the smallest of spiders? Even more puzzling are facts on why is it so and how this fear comes about. Is it hard-wired into our brains? Can we change this wiring? Or even alter wiring to maybe perhaps fear something else?

That is exclusive association. My take of it that is. Essentially, HTHT should not be exclusively associated as a thrill seekers dose of living. Being natural, it is just another form of communication. But we have to agree that this communication is deeper and much more 'sacred'. I definitely agree. That is my first point.

2nd point; It pains me to see my friends just shrug away this simple conversation as a form of meh-responsibility. "Orh, he just talk to me like that lor." It is important to that person so much so that he is willing to divulge details of his life never shared to anyone and a selfish, annoying, pompous prick of you throw away such basic duty of human life. And that is to talk.

This brings my 3rd point. There are obviously some just to trigger happy about this. In fact, this was the main point that started me to write about HTHT. And I know a person. She is much so as it seems she living off HTHT. I mean, don't take me wrong. To want to hear people's agony. To lend a shoulder when the rain comes. To be strong enough for the fallen as a role model in their hard times. That's a lot of work and to 'volunteer' for it seems a spectacle.

But it just feels weird. It feels too fucking fake.

The takeaway for this is here: If you think that a HTHT session would solve people's problems and you think it's a way for them to cope. NO. Some people don't need to be talked. Some people see actions louder. But all of them, want someone there. Just there.

If you are really there, then you would know.

Ashes fall off.

TODAY, was special. I got scolded at first. Didn't see an oncoming rider and he practically road raged on me. And while that was bad enough, the bikes had overtimed by a whooping 2 hours. Burnt, not only my hole, but the others too of 10 bucks. And as if that's the lowest point, my printer went bazooooks on me began to tell me that the new ink I just installed can't be use. So much for reliable software? Oh yeah, gotta print a document by tomorrow morning.

But I am not disheartened. If the ones above me feel that this day needs to be even bad and make my parents mad at me, so be it. Because I feel blessed to be among a group so loveable. I tell you why.

I helped someone ride a bike! All in a day's work as who I am. First aided a dude who went elbow first on a head-on bike collision. I hope he's save. Cycled 2 bikes, which means that I am now 3 stars in kayaking terms. Lololol. Btw, 4 stars is biking hands-free. 5 is wheeling and if you can do that, 6 is a give away; Riding while hand standing. Wheeeoooowwww.

Today is blessed, because I got through it.

Have you ever gotten into a fight? Like a real fist fight? With clenched bloody fists meeting flesh and bone, without that amaturish kicks of course, with grapples and elbows and knees... Have you ever? Oh and btw, who kicks and bounces backwards? You gotta stay put man. Back to the fight, have you ever? Well, today I did. Wanted to feel alive again. Like that scene from Fight Club, where Tyler and 'Jack' starts whacking the nuts out. Like in first year, walking up the spiral staircase, thinking to myself that my life bores me, lets punch this kid on my right.

It feels good to fight the hell out. Irony isn't it? One feels mainly pain in a fight but when he walks out, as a victor or with a loss at hand, he feels liberated. That's why boxers, box. That's why heroes keep pressing a cause they believe. That's why we keep trying. Warriors.

Now now, where's that ashtray?

Why the MacBook Air is my next laptop.

Now we all have reached to this point of life to be torn between decisions. And this is definitely one of them, finding the right laptop. After all, one could easily spend 2-3 grands on a top of the line machine that does wonders or for that same performance, get a sub-1000 device. The world is never fair.

For Apple's MacBook Air, you really got to have a great distinction to buy one. Most Windows laptops in that price range can do more in gaming or photo and video editing. But it's still a top seller. I'll tell you why.

Great design.
For one, it's solid aluminum construction is an eye grabber. It doesn't screams for attention but it has sleek lines and clean corners. Pull out one anywhere and you will definitely set heads to turn. And this is a flaw. You see, the amount of MacBook Airs I see in Singapore alone has saturated my eyes enough. If you want to be a trend setter, look elsewhere. You don't just construct a from a solid block of aluminum just for aesthetics. This baby's design is well built. The weight is enough to set its durability. In one's hands, it's craftmanship is echoed by the weight. But don't think a boy scout would use in a thunderstorm. It's not weather-proof like all other laptops. You know it is worth it when you don't have that all to familiar cheap plastic feeling.

Great software.
You know the learning curve of new devices? Well, it's not that apparent here. Apple did so well in their software design, right out of the box, you could use it without instructions. It is, as it is. Which poses a problem for people like me. If something is too easy to use, 9 out of 10 times, it can't be go the way we want it. I grew up with limited hardware. And to use the software with this limitation as it is, I need to hack it. Bah. I get this sense of comfort knowing a system is flexible, like the Windows OS. Apple's Mac OS 10 is not not flexible, it's unique. Too unique. But owning a Mac for 5 years, I'm starting to adapt. Starting to accept that ease of use is ease of use. In actual fact, to just do what you need to do is the central essence. Sometimes, you don't need to have a fanciful desktop with widgets just to do your job. Period. 

Performance the way you need it.
Alright, let's be real here. Can it play the latest games? Nope. Can it run Photoshop while editing 1080p video in Final Cut Pro while checking your email and have a Skype call? I'm sure most Windows laptops do that but do we really need it? Sometimes, too much is too much. You might have to strip yourself of useless information before you finally achieve your goals. As I detailed it here (http://errorofheart.blogspot.com/2011/10/it-doesnt-work-sideways.html),

"Sometimes, the finest of details is found not when you focused a lot, but when you removed the very distraction to it."

The MacBook Air might be the most underpowered machine at this price range but if you're not an octupus in a suit running from meetings to meetings doing video editing and sound mastering all at the same time, this is perfect for you. To put it into perspective, my workflow consist of heavy email, heavy word processing and mega heavy web surf. Once in a while, I would do some video, though not a film feature. I rarely do sound. So rare that I don't even install ProTools. For my workflow, the MacBook Air is simply the best for me. Don't get me wrong, a HP ProBook is better, but when a Mac is bought, it's together bought with the software, well built hardware and a great experience over millions have gone through before.

So what's holding me back?
Well, my pay hasn't come in yet. Also, my enlistment is this year which makes it kinda dumb to buy a new laptop now. Probably not going to use it. And then there's this new OS X Mountain Lion. It's due to be released in Summer. And summer is just 2 months away! THIS PURCHASE BETTER BE WORTH MY MONEYYYY.

Other than buying a new machine, my mom got a new treadmill. WHOLLY MOLLY.

Lauging at Pain

The body is a wonderful machine. It heals itself. It adapts to any surroundings. It's horsepower is incomparable when its versatility to be in any place supersedes the most advance of robots. What's better than this is the human spirit. When this body feels pain, it quickly adapts to lessen it and sometimes fix it. But the human spirit is the one that ensures you keep running, ensures you keep going, ensures you never give up.

Very highly regarded paradigms, but today, sometimes, they are not as smart as we think they are.

My right foot is suffering from a pain I can't seem to shake off for the past week. The muscle affected stretches over the arc of a foot and is responsible for distributing the body weight when we run and walk. Called the Plantar Fascia, rupturing it means that I can't walk or run properly again. And on my weekly run today, it seemed to be my foot's final straw. Sigh. I was doing so good, clocking a pace of around 4'00". Dang.

The pain was not searing but it was nimble at first. Instantly, I knew I couldn't play around with this sort of pain. Stopped at my halfway mark and it was such a sad thing. I planned to make my way to Bishan Stadium to do some sprints. Apparently, that couldn't be the case. Sheesh. I'm going to ice this guy everyday for 15 minutes for a week. Gonna avoid long walks, like an old man, and start wearing tighter shoes. And hopefully, by then, my feet could fully utilize the investment of barefoot running. Mannnnnn.

I'm not going to say much about this but there seems to be bothering me. It's like an annoying pimple. Can't burst it else it will leave a scar. Can't medicate it, it's at the back. All I could do in ignore this. Not that I don't feel it's irritant, but I just can't find any value, any worth, any heart to see you. I'm not sure exactly why I am feeling this way but I'm just disappointed. Kinda felt short-changed just because I wasn't given the opportunity to give. Fuck this shit man.

At any rate, I'm not the butt of all jokes. I hope.  

Mantis.

"Boybands can go and suck it."

Looks like I'm going all the way to be sour here.

At any rate, I went gym today. It wasn't that fruitful. I just did cardio, which is just running and breaking some sweat. I wanted to do some weights like the other days. But since tomorrow is JB's NAPHA, decided to help him gain his stamina in running by cardio. By any standards, I just ran like a small kid playing tag or catching. 

And JB sucks as a gym buddy. I mean he has great partnering affinity, will push you harder, will make your workout worth it. He's great! But just that he is always late. LATE. And no gym buddy should come in late. :) Really.

Very sleepy now. I did not get my normal lunch fix. To avoid being sleep, one should have a ready supply of carbs. These convert to energy and keeps you awake. So I did not take in enough carbs. Bahh. I had chicken breasts for lunch plus 2 slices of wholemeal bread. But that alone is not enough. Should have gotten some rice along with it.

Besides my new obsession to diet and workout, I got my brother's guitar restrung. Got me all excited! Alas, I'm still tired. My guitar lays there waiting for the owner to strum her.

Got my hands on the Guitar for Dummies. Pretty detailed stuff there but if you're thinking if that would be your only companion, please look elsewhere. As quoted from the book, "this book aims to get you on the get-go on grabbing a guitar and start playing songs." Heck. Now I know how to play Old Macdonald's Had a Farm. Proud of that.

Erm, I am watching my diet, but I am not monitoring it. Get it? Not so crazy about losing weight either. And to answer, this is not torturing yourself. You are not being tortured if you are enjoying this. Yeah man. I like to restrict my dietary. Boiled chicken meat is bland and that is not someone's ideal meal but I like it. It's not a MacDonald's meal. WHO DA EFF AM I KIDDING. HOW CAN MAC'S BE GOOD?! HAHA. Nonetheless, I like to do something new than eating Ayam Paggang or Western at Munch. Seriously guys, don't you find them too 'bland'?

Besides, it's something to keep me occupied. I could be in a mulling state. Or a lazy ass mood. Instead, I am keeping myself fit.

The thing is, my senior suggested that something better could be done. (He was implying that I get my uni plans set out since I am in a slow moving quicksand.) But the thing is, is it better to spend this free time volunteering instead? Hmm, this is an all new angle.

He jealous laaaaaa

Okay, maybe no salt today. I've started to eat healthily. I push away fast food. I leave for home early to eat home cooked meals. I boil chicken breast to ooze out all the protein. But one thing I don't do is reject my parent's food when they eat out. DANG.

Parents have the final say. And I'm such a filial son. Booyeah.

It's a thing I want to start. Maybe slowly and steadily. I mean, eating is good but eating it healthily is way better. I just got sick not trying to be better. It just intrigues me how someone could skip fast food for one friggin' year. But hold your horses! I mean, he got like a whole range of food to eat. He basically can eat anywhere. My food culture has always been like a stomach stuffer of all goodies and great marvellous food. And that's why most of my population has heart attack, diabetes, high blood pressure... THE LIST GOES ON.

Haha, I'm not saying it's bad as in it's not delicious. Just saying it's NOT thy healthy. Just saying. I mean, we do have healthier alternatives. But I jut don't see them. Maybe all the good food hid them. LOLOL.

Every morning, I boil chicken breasts till they are white. Put some salt perhaps. And then I sieve it out, sprinkle pepper. Put 2 slices of wholemeal bread. And have that for lunch.

Looks good. This is just one meal. I've yet to have it in all meals. Just because Dad is mocking me. HE JEALOUS LAAAA.

Head and heels; They go over.

Mannnn. I'm like… really… Gosh. I don't want to hope for the best. I want the best. I want to make sure I do all it takes to get and be the best.

And right now, as I wait anxiously for that text, I can only hope for the best.

This part of life seriously sucks. Someone build the mind reading hat already!

Do you want to die?

Pop quiz: What do mercenaries do when they don't fight? What is their jobscope now when there is no highest bidder? What do they do when their worth is finally is shunned by reality? What if you feel worthless? What if the sole reason you fought for seems to be a waste?

Think about it. When was the last time you heard the word mercenary? They seem to disappear into society, overtaken by a much more efficient "private army". I'm sure mercenaries were once the in thing. But they just seem to disappear. Just like me.

Tough world, death seems so near.

All around me, they vanish one by one. They become zombies, controlled by their sole goal to just survive. Just to earn enough to live. Just earn enough to relax. Just earn enough to be happy. Whatever happened to our future? I don't grow to be a fucking zombie.

But zombies at least have a reason to 'live'.

Like a retired mercenary. I bet most of them become wasted, spending their retirement funds, if any, on booze. They just become lost. No idea of what to do next. And alcoholism will be on the rise. And then, suicidal. Yikes.

Can't wait to die? Perhaps.

This land was made for you and me

Pfft.

Ahh, the smell beckons me to refresh myself. But I've eluded that feeling with a little reminiscent; my knee. Sigh. I wanted to run this afternoon but my knee still had the rumblings of a one-legged pirate. Heck, a one-legged pirate has more motivation than me. HE LOST A LEG FOR PIRATING. GOSH. THAT DESERVES RESPECT.

I am not going to traditionally write my things to do list here. As if it has a ginormous effect in my productivity. Hell no. Take it to heart because the last time I treated this as my little whiteboard for homework tracking, I still had the same list of things to do. Pure BS.

It's a sign that maybe, just maybe, the conventional carrot-on-a-stick method don't work for me. I think we can also include the barbed whips too. I simply don't have the emotional energy, or mana for you game nerds, to care. Simply put, if I had to be motivate to do something externally, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Motivation from the insides... Ahh. That's a rarity. I used to be the one that wished a ship but built a boat instead. Not because of lack of skill nor lack of heart. But lack of reasons. It's funny how fast time just moves. Too funny, it becomes surreal. Before you know it, it's all gone.

A friend of mine asks me if I had enemies and wondered how I would responded to them. I replied stating that calling them that is an insult to the Oxford dictionary. I mean Hollywood has always labelled enemies as a super villain capable of ruining the world blah… blah… blah… Reality and Hollywood rarely cross paths. The thing is, our only enemy is our other self. The one the losses faith. The one that gives up. The one that we become sometimes. And we fight it everyday.

And that's how we should respond to our 'enemies' anyway. Because the moment we give up, we let them win and we let us become them.

That didn't answer his question of course. He was asking about the lost ones, the forgotten few or the hated plenty. I mean, what else can we do? For me, I just put my hands in my pocket, and pray for them. And I don't talk to them. Why? Well, I just don't.

I move on pretty fast. Heck, I live life in the fast lane. Haha. I don't like to sit and wonder too much. What's done is done. What happens next is well, move on. I'm not heartless, I just want to get things done.

And yeah, there's a handful I don't talk to. Will I talk to them, probably not. We don't share the same interests any longer. But you're not my enemy. And don't take things too seriously. If things seem to be distant, it means 2 things. I don't want to talk and you don't want to talk.

Beats me. Every time I want to remove that distance, I always made the chance to talk to you. But you don't seem to notice. You don't seem to want to talk.

Whatever happened to chivalry? You turned it down when I was offering.

guinevere

Guinevere seems like a great name. Yeah, I'll settle for that name.

The days feel so 'bashy'. I've got some things on my mind, but I just don't feel it's worth. Maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Remember the reports I'm suppose to work on? Zero results.

Remember the compendium of leaders paper I was writing? Don't have the faith to continue.

Remember the times I was looking for you? You forgot about me. I could t fight for you. Anymore.

lightning crashes.

Yeah. It's February everyone.

A month has passed quietly. And before you know it, the chips begin to fall wherever they fall to. No more control freaks. No more perfectionist wizards. No more over-bearing asses. Let time pass by like it was meant to be.

Erm.

I'm not being what I am suppose to be right now. I just thought it would be a change for me to be someone I don't have to care about. Like that day. I had it all planned. I'll be in that room finishing up my most important tasks, hoping for a glimpse of you. Is this a mistake?

My brain sprung in action. And I just felt like leaving. So I left. Like a boss. No no no. Like a rebel. I skewed away from the plans, I left all my stuff in the room, I just gone like the wind. It felt good at first. I hanged out at this Japanese-Italian restaurant with a group. Didn't eat though. I felt free, unchallenged and lightweight.

But a part of me still wanted to go back. Which then my brain stopped working. Somehow, I thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't hurt if I asked if she's free. Foolish mistake.

In the end, I went home, without any things on me. Like the movie "Up in the Air", I thought I had stuffed all my stuff in a backpack and just lit it on fire. I start empty but I start things new everyday. But something noteworthy to mention was that sometimes, plans don't work. And for some of us, we plan like siao only to not use it. That is our cheap consolation. That helps us sleep at night.

And now, it is still February. I need my Hippo time now. Sigh.

Disenchanted Prologue

I am not that interested in things that don't interest me. And then you came along. For a moment, I thought it would be of something new. Something that I would appreciate for a long time.

It's nice to know that you went the extra mile to meet even though you don't really want to. Well, I don't want company that don't want to be accompanied.

As long as I don't make you frown. That would be the death of me.

Let's see...

Let's see...

I have a couple of assignments-slash-projects-research-study-slash-side-work that is due in the coming months:

"Up to No Good" - Initial writing about how we derive what is important but mainly how we make ourselves motivated. A deeper look at how 'evil' figures of the World create their reasoning. Even Hitler has a reason.

"Real Selfish" - Questioning the idea of professionalism as a state that we can achieve. Maybe we should cover the topic of born leaders and trained leaders; the origin of leadership. Focusing on integrity and re-defining selfishness as a distant cousin of protectionism while preserving the essence of what we do.

"Definitions of Ourselves" - Here we cover how our priorities shape us. Taking an example of how when prioritising a conversation with a girl over finishing your homework due tomorrow is an indication that you like her. Say it's the nicer version of "Up to No Good".

Let's finish them by March. Outlines by this week. Sources by Jan. 1st draft by mid-Feb. Final by Feb. Proofread circulation by 1st week of March. Online circulation by March, and then that's where the internet proofreads. Oooo yeah.

And then I have 2 reports. Gosh. And then I have another 2 research report on club leadership. Goshgosh. And I have monthly topic posts to spin about. Oh goshgosh.

Let's kickstart and finish them by this month of Jan. Make way!

Opaline Day

Hello. Bring me to my knees, and I shall reply not with force but with a desire to stand among the giants.

I'm just caught off guard. Didn't expect she would remember. And I was hoping she didn't. But it really seemed she did. Maybe...
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Today, was a day that makes me worry if they can sleep tight tonight. I just don't like it that I am here and I can't help you out. I want to try all I can. And if I fail, let me fail and try again. I'm not giving up.

What is the fighting spirit that we spoke so fondly of? What is that remarkable trait of The Nonchalant Few? What makes us so distinct? What is a leader?
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Maybe... She really makes me smile. Maybe she doesn't. What do you say?