around here somewhere are our skeletons.

I found some notes lying around in my Notes.app. Figured I would look through and do some spring cleaning. Look what I found. And of course, I had to practice some black.

Dated: 18 March 2013 
Title: On the AAR of         Overnight Cycling

We reached Sims Ave way too early. Traffic was thick. And that made cycling dangerous as hell. 
Before that was City. 
Could have explored more, sit by the bay, a little more camwhoring. This way, Sims Avenue would be empty by 3am. 
We need to stop more perhaps. 
Identify more places for good camera shots. The stretch to Paya Lebar area was a killer. Because there is another stretch that would kill later. 
For that though, it's the final leg. It is kinda a souvenir and a must have for a east cycle tour like this. When touring along Sims Ave, we should have taken the ongoing direction instead of incoming. 

It's a goldmine I tell you. I have all these notes on various things. Just like a diary, they range from topics, subjects, ideas and more. Imagination is the limit. It's like having a conversation with yourself.

The above note seemed to be a reflection or certain debrief points after a cycling event. It seems that I was engulfing myself with so much information at every moving pace of the event. Must be one great feat. I wonder what is pushing this top head to do so much! And to lay it out as such. Simply great memory to be thankful for.

I had been more of a hands on person. I simply had to move. So writing was a no brainer. Then technology soon provided more reason to ditch pen and paper. But of course, you had to have a trigger point.

Must have been those long bus rides. Philosophical at its core, long bus rides contribute to many reflections of one's life. Gaze out of that window and you will fall into a deep abyss of unaltered, unsupervised and unfiltered thoughts. This makes them dangerous. Like splitting atoms, ready to explode with energy, they may pose a great trap into regret and self-abuse.

But that makes it wonderful as well.

We know it can pull one down but it forces us to teach ourselves, on how to be disciplined. We teach ourselves how to counter such negativeness. We teach ourselves how to fight it. We teach ourselves to be less suicidal.

Here's another.

Dated: 20 December 2012 
Title: Quest

Those that are very judgemental
Those that never change
Those that don't make things worth it

So what does it mean? What is the story behind these conception of 3 lines? Truly there must have been a trigger point.

And sometimes, the notes serve as a drafting area for some things that really take so much of us. Or almost a part of ourselves. I drafted a message to this person a day before a new chapter begun on September 11th.

Maybe I thought it was a great fucking idea to be optimistic.  Then again, I was trained by then so I knew what I was dealing. In my head had the 2 possibilities but I just had to put a finger on one.

Alas...

I had to use notes to draft. I knew I drafted a couple of times before I had it copy-paste and sent. Maybe at that time, I simply cannot fathom it all. So the Notes did help in ensuring that I was closing that chapter properly. I knew it all along by the way. Just wanted to be optimistic.

Dated: 10 September 2012 

Title: Hey! (Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.)

Hey! Tried calling you a couple of times but you missed it. Must be busy helping your mom tidy! Haha. That's great! Hope you're not being feisty-angsty with your mom! She's the only one you got, so treasure her! I know it might be ironic for me to say, but even if I say my mom is not what I expect, I still love her and I can't change that. Haha.

I was actually at the void deck of your place. Wanted to surprise you but... well Surprise! Haha. Just wanted to meet and say thanks for a listening ear for me! And I too hope I had been more of a positive help than a negative influence! :P 

Since, you're gonna be a few thousand km away and I will be committing to the police program, i don't think we will meet anymore. :0 All the best in UK! Come back, if you can haha, in one piece! Study hard and also, play hard! Not too hard ahh! :)

Here is a thank you for everything and a goodbye! Oh! One more thing, smile like you mean it! See you when I see you. ;)

BALL AND BISCUIT.

So we got stuck in one place. Now I've managed to summon an external source of support, it is INDEED time to begin. 

I used to be that guy who was strong. With time decaying anything in its path (the mind in this particular case), I was out and about being a person of everything. Whatever you throw at me, I can be your answer. Those days of being a mercenary are long gone. Today, I am a factory worker. 

Naturally, I can't be dissing everything in the past. What I did take away from those days were a set of valuable skills that I still hone today. The inert ability to ignore and suppress pain, constant on the ball dedication, adaptive and swift recognition, inclusive participation for those around & a keen eye for connections. 

Then again, time rots everything. 

The current 'me' wants to have a ball and biscuit and take his sweet time about things. Not exactly harmful as this is in the line of appreciating life deeper. Lol?

Let's embrace those skills again. Not to revert to the past comfort levels but to play around in today's context. I wanna be "ball and biscuit" right? Might as well "ball and biscuit" on something of value.

My Demons Hide

In the mornings, I think it's much more better and wiser to reject the public bus. We got so much over zealous families that are supremely determined to send their child to the doorstep of their schools, at the expense of others. 

I'd rather sweat it out, seriously. 

Furthermore, when rain comes, every machinery breaks or slow down. Even if that machine was meant to be in the rain. And as evident to how we humans have become part of a factory line, we work incredible slow paced when the heavens decide to cool us. 

Or...

Today I am distracted by the gym, by this wonderful person, by this desire to sweat it out and a formidable believe to be strong. These are my demons. 

Beauty Chaos

I am always intrigued by human nature. We seem to have developed a complicated system of our lives for our easy nature and simple living. What happened?

Being in love with something or someone naturally means you will be spending more time with it or him/her. Not the other way around.

However, this concept of first love doesn't exist in this materialistic and fast paced world anymore. 24 hours is all we got to absorb so much and sink in methods, materials, languages, ideas, dreams.

You see, people used to love things. And that in turn make them masters of what they love. These days, we don't have that similar capacity. We choose to spend time like it is currency. And the more we spend, the more we invest, the more we hope to fall in love.

Take this example of the tuition scene. Parents spend thousands of dollars on each subject, so that their child would be exposed to more of that subject and be able to excel.

Yeah, practice makes perfect. But perfect practice makes the real perfect.

Has anyone wondered if the child has zero interest in Math tuition or classes that he dreads the slightest look of numbers? Has anyone even considered his love of arts, language or music?

Truly, where is the love?

So it makes me wonder, if this girl I am fancying, is she the product of me falling for first love or falling because I grew to love her?

Isn't it obvious enough? But does it matter now?

Ultimately, I will do what I love. And I love to spend hours with people to just strike a conversation. At the end of that, they will just leave. And all it remains is just an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone!

Though that's not me.

---

Sincerely, I hope to be able to tell her how wonderful she is to me. And that is thru my actions and never my words.

Besides, I am never good with words.

True Fixie Boy.

So I got a bike. I am known for the no frills, no nonsense and no maintenance culture with my belongings. And as I was looking through pages of bikes, I only had my sights on a fixie.

Booyeah.

And in true fixie fashion, I rode with slippers, shorts and a tee. I was not a fan bike racing. I just wanna have fun. Well, maybe I had too much fun because I overestimated my road clearance to turn and went off the pavement ledge. What I got was a trophy for the need for speed and also the obvious indicator that slippers and bikes are not widely recommended when travelling over 25km/h. My right foot went top foot first onto the pavement and slippers being slippers, I got some blood on that right foot. But all is well. Like I have said, it's a trophy.

These few months have made me live a big man's life with big man decisions to make. The PS3 console was one. The surgery was definitely. And now the bike. And I will add in another today. I not usually a fan with big decisions. I normally play a supporting role with a directed approach. But in life, there are no specific role to be playing within. There are no repeats, rewinds and perhaps, 2nd chances. But there are, just the way forward.

So when I was crashing, I didn't think, "OH SHIT OH SHIT." I was more of, "Here goes nothing!" I was kinda more interested in landing and laughing it off. Instinctively, though a little troubling, after the landing, I had an automatic response to check on 3 things. First, I looked at my fresh wound on the top of my feet. Second, on the bike. Finally, if anyone had caught my clown act. The last one would really be detrimental. Haha.

Oh by the way, in true fixie fashion, the flesh wound was just cleaned and left naturally open. Some kind of bad ass eh?

Ever since this big-decision-making-life phase has started, I became more real in life. Things will get rusted. Mistakes will be made. Scars shall be placed. But, all of that in exchange for, experience. You see, the rust or scratches on my bike don't make it less of a bike. It makes more of a unique bike, my bike. That tool mark on the top tube, oh that's my bike. Scratches behind the seat tube, mine! Oh a scar on my left abdomen? Ah! I remember that surgery! Cute doctor by the way.

So I will be ready to make mistakes. I will be sure to make most of the mistakes and be enriched with the lessons they will offer me. You see, when one is on a bike, one thing is for sure, you will lose your balance and fall. What keeps you 'balanced' is that you keep paddling and moving forward. Much like life. I just wanna have fun doing things.

Living On vs Moving On

Oh hello there. 

Some times I thank Red Bull, coffee and maybe late suppers for giving me the extra push to eek out a little inspiration. And of course these kinds of things need more than just a little chemical reaction, they also require a certain series of events to happen. Else, it's just be a bonfire without the people. That's no fun at all. 

I went back to Ngee Ann Polytechnic today. It is just the itchy-backside-me that want to go back. Earlier today, I realised my juniors were graduating! And I simply had to go down and give them my high-5 for surviving 3 years. Those 3 years especially with a hotshot like me. It should be a diploma by itself to survive my wonkiness. And since MOE will not recognise such a diploma, so yeah, I just wanted to see them off. Besides, that was what I would have wanted when I graduated.

It was a rash decision. Since I was on MC, it was a clear sign that my doctor wants me anchored so that this body can repair itself. But you know me, I have a heart of a lion. Cool enough? So I grabbed all my stuff and just went down. But it got to me as I made my way there in the all too familiar express bus with its rumblings reverberating through my body, "Wow, it has been a year."

A FRIGGIN' YEAR PEOPLE. It has been a year. What has happened in a year? Then, what about that year before? Or 2 years before? Or 3? Or 4? Hey, remember that time where you wanted to be a teacher? Haha. 

I guess what these is all about, is that in this life, our culture dictates that we shall live on. This is indeed the beautiful nature of our lives, we get to move on and carry forth. Whatever that comes our way, ill episodes, failure, incidents, we will always find a way to begin anew.

So when I sat in that bus and as I walked towards the CC in a path that just seems that I took it just yesterday, I feared for the worst, that I would be long gone. Which I think will happen in the end, people live on so fast that they are willing to leave what they have and start on a new page. I just wondered if we ever forget our roots, what will happen to us? 

Our roots brought me back there today. I wanted to appreciate my juniors. I wanted to tell them, in presence, that their graduation is ever important. They have been a big part of my life and they still are. That is my root. That is my culture. So culture really dictates eh?

Plus, once in a while, it is a good idea to go back and sink in with the past. If you've been following, I call this Hippo Time. And I did have my Hippo Time. It was especially emphatic when my eyes caught her. And hers caught mine. It just struck me on how I was so foolish then. Haha. Maybe, sometimes, these things are left, unspoken. But I was glad to see you again. Really.

And it will not matter if I am forgotten or long gone or left behind in this society that lives so fast. My culture dictates that I will remember you. And so I will remember you. 

Remember your roots.

Stay trippy.

I was reminded once again. And I really believe that, as humans, we need to be reminded once in a while. Nowadays, things happen so fast around us. One day you're sitting in a bus after a long day in school, dreading the homework you got. Another day, you are behind a desk, filling up papers, supporting an organisation, ploughing through that 8-5 job.

Haha. It is funny that I had to describe both phases of lives in great agony.

2 days back, I met up with a mentor of mine. It then just reminded me of the days I used to be perched up with so many things to do. Which of course led me to the revelation of being appreciative of wherever I would be, or end up in. It was not what I specifically remembered that set me out to write this but it was the existence of this very memory. Guys, I lived through this moment. I survived through this. I was there and back, in one piece. I made it. And it is a joy to be here.

I don't know man. After my stint in management, I threw away myself to refresh my hopes. And then, instead of a revitalised self to turn my cogs of time, I was renewed. Like sort of a baptism. Only slower and enduring. I saw things vividly. I felt things longer. I soaked in deeper. And then, I just became happy with what I had.

I could thank the repeated failures in my 2 year stint. Or maybe my constant distractions I allowed myself then. Do I have to thank that feeling of jadedness for propelling this shift? Whatever it is, it was a great reminder for me that evening.

Remember your roots.

Disheartened.

I feel disheartened tonight. But I have a voice in my head, that tells me to pick myself up.

In my weakest form, I long just to be stronger. That's all.

The only way is, up.

Fences by Phoenix.

I used to have a lot of time to myself. Though the days' hours don't differ, it just feels that I don't have much time as compared previously. Maybe perhaps, in the past, I gave myself more time.

The commute took an hour of myself every morning. It was an hour I dedicate myself to music and self questioning. Today, that commute simply takes half. So does this mean I am performing t half of myself?

Numbers aside, my senior asked about my financial status. He noticed how I seem to share plenty of stories of me spending my time after work in the company of Starbucks, fast food, zalora.com (Haha) and gyming. I can't really argue that this is the lavish life one normally perceives.

I simply told him, "Yes, I am rich. And so are you. For me, a thousand dollars in my savings or even 10 bucks in my wallet makes me happy." Yeah, I might seem to be spending more than ever but I always believe that I should be doing what I love most. I love being simple. I love all these small simple things.

But I should agree ultimately that money doesn't grow on trees. But my spending seems to be burning trees.

Part of me went missing a few days back. I had hardly enough energy to get myself out of bed and carry the darn weights. So I didn't. It seems that I might be missing something. Like I lost something. So what did I lose?

Well, I lost my words.

I wanted to express my desire, my thoughts, my heart, my freedom, my hatred and my love, but I didn't have the words. Weird isn't it?

Normally I would tell myself to get myself busy. But busy with what? All these while, for 3 years and counting, that feeling returned.

Jaded.

Ghost.

Waiting for the command-in, we were crouched behind a wooden tabletop. It was not an ideal place to be caught in a firefight so the command-in has to be radioed now or never. After anticipating patiently with rivers of sweat down our faces, the words filled our ear drums. Overjoyed, truly.

"TEAM, GO GHOST."

I still remember that night. This is not training. This in not an exercise. This is real. The senses can't fail me now. The mind can't flinch right here now. The heart can't lose itself. Simply surreal.

Oh yeah. Uhm, pretty rad for me now. I've gotten myself back on track. Or maybe the Red Bulls were assisting me. I know it has been a uphill battle to keep this space updated with as much of material. Believe me, adapting has never been this versatile. I am going full steam ahead. I am heading strong.

Then again, I've got a gaziliion tasks to do. Read up 7 books is my number 1 guilt brought over from last months. Gotta really work it out. Dang. And then the case of the fatty build-up of my midsection. That is truly a cause for concern. And then the reports. I don't even know if I should do this now. Is it even worth it now?

Have faith. That's all I request from myself. And then, I'll just do it.

Sinking my senses into Nine Inch Nails' Ghost I-IV. It is making my body jiggle a bit. It's also making my mind in tip top shape. It's a great album to waste these time in. Put this as a spa session for my mind. Classic treatment for an ever hardworking fella.

In the mean time, a lavatory shall be my next pit stop!

My Empire of Dirt

Half past 4 in the morning. We are all tired. Who would have known that this full moon early morning would suck so much from us when we are just to idle and wait for our turn.

As I returned from this grand test, I am faced with a reality. In this room, waiting for the wrap up, is a resemblance of a life I had been living.

So many slouches, drooling from their mouths. So many distracted from a real threat outside. I am the only one awake and ready to strike. Everyone else seems to be drawn into a deep slumber. Here, I sit waiting for my call. Sometimes I ask, if ever I am real for the call never ever comes.

Am I the only one perched up sitting, waiting and wishing? Am I the only one ready to strike? Then again, does it matter?

I do it for the innocent lives.
I do it for the simple future of others.
I do it for the honour of them.

It don't matter, because I got something to die for. But I want that someone to die for. Ever since then, it throws me back to a huge debacle of my need to fight and my desire to protect.

Does the love really kickstart again? Because mine didn't.

Fallen Comrades

A fellow trainee from the recent days jumped to his death yesterday. It pains me to realise that his decision was to end such a life that has so much potential.

Till this day, I cannot justify murdering oneself to escape pain, fear and failure.

One part of me loathe this will to die. But another understands this decision. At least, die for a better cause. That is all I request.

You sink the knife deeper when you mention later but later never comes.

Once in a while, I'll question you.

One way is to see how sound your moral structure is. Then I'll move on to your values, primarily of politics, gender, cultural issues and criminal minds etc. I will even sneak in a question about religion now and then but only if I ran out of things to ask. Perhaps my most favourite question, and most annoying, is about how you gather yourself and respond when I try to dispute your claims.

It's my thing, I love to see you respond. It doesn't exactly excite the conversation but more than often, makes it an argument rather than a discussion. I thrive in information, but I have learnt to skip the details and look for the right ones. Some facts are negligible but means grand to me. I look out for such 'abnormalities'. And with these, I construct my stand.

That's what I do every time with a circle of highly motivated people. Whenever I enter this meeting, I feel at ease to know that such people exist. They are simply crazy about what they do. They will go their max for a passion they would die for. These people will eventually save us. And the time I spend with them, they ushered a method to ensure that we keep bouncing, keep on our toes. So they will catch you sleeping, kick you in the stomach, spilt at you, set you on fire, throw knives and the list goes on.

We challenge each other everyday, pushing limits of our knowledge, stretching our minds and testing each other. The deal is to keep everyone awake. It sort of train us. You can't be awake at every hour. So this drives your stamina to a new limit. Then again, we all have limits.

So when I do not get responses from a conversation, I sulk. A conversation is only rich when both parties allow it to be rich. It just suggests that someone doesn't want to play ball. And it makes me sad. Because in this day and age, conversations keep me alive. Remember, people like me thrive in information. But once passed through tubes of internet, the TV or the phone lines, I find it a little repulsive. So it gets worst when you do not wish to continue such a conversation.

You sink the knife deeper when you mention later but later never comes.

Always Fighting.

I am scared. That, if it doesn't happen the way I hope it did, I'll just be trapped in this cursed loop of time. I am sick of the replays. I am sick of the same replies. I am sick of the same old me. But I am scared to change it.

What happens next could be a whole new journey or the same old story. It would be better when someone could tell me that everything would be okay. But it can't be that way. It just can't.

But I know things just gotta happen. What needs to be said, have to be said. What needs to be done, must be done.

I am fighting.

Where is this War?

"While in Rome, do as the Romans do."

That really stuck to me while on the way back from running errands. I was toying ideas in my head when the discussion on education level came about. The question is, "Why do we group the enlistees according to their highest education level?"

You would see the JC graduates in the same batch as the diploma holders. And in the Army, they are considered the leaders batch. Whereas on the other end of the scale, we have ITE graduates, NITEC or Higher NITEC students, and dropouts etc. Why? Why is there a need to distinguish at this perspective? Conversations with my friends around have yielded a negative look towards such a move. I quote a friend, "This is a sad reality fact of our society. Without paper (certificates/diplomas), there is nothing much to say. Personally, this highlights how we are just pawns in war."

Pawns in war? Interesting.

I guess what he was trying to say was that whoever decided this believed that if you have a piece of paper on you, it means that you are 'better'. The matter of fact is that when you are out there, no matter what, it does not matter what/who you are or were. As long as you are pointing the rifle at the right direction. THIS should be the factor for "pawns in war". I guess the redeeming fact, if any, is that each and everyone is equal. Everyone will be on equal footing. We will all start from scratch. We are all naked.

Roll in your arguments. You might involve the need for swift decision making and robust planning as part of being in the Armed Forces. And I definitely agree that not everyone has that edge when it comes to such scenarios. I've detailed it before. These snap moves require a certain kind of discipline, a certain kind of skill set and ultimately a certain kind of experience. And these requirements are mostly fulfilled at higher education levels. It is not a matter of how much they have studied. This does not make them better.

JC-Poly students are not better. They are just better equipped.

If given the same amount of exposure and lessons/modules, everyone can achieve a similar result. I always have this firm believe that what makes you is not the things you fill yourself with. It is what you are surrounded by. Take a look at the Asch experiment: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asch_conformity_experiments) It's an interesting read on how we are simply greatly influenced by the things around us. Look, we are adaptable beings. So it is no surprise here.

But in the Armed Forces, we seem to take this finding to a whole new level. It might as well cause a great divide of our forces. The thing is, we do not need to separate. We do not have to resort to this method of labelling those who are better equipped and those that are not. The way I see this, it creates a negative vibe that the Armed Forces are nothing but a business model. Where is the pride? Where is the glory? Where is the camaraderie of the fighters?

But then again, why do we need fighters when there are no more fights to fight. Why do we need to prepare for war when there are no more wars?

Back burning, sweat dripping, heart's pumping.

The weak will perish. But you won't.

"Don't fall in love. It blinds you mostly from the real world. You might be at cloud nine but those around you aren't.

The work we do cannot have us blinded. One step, one moment, one mistake is all it takes for all to end.

The enemies are the biggest, baddest, hardest. Then, we have to be bigger, badder, harder."

3rd Team Leader

Prologue: Progress

There's something about one's desire to be better. In this world, those chevrons, national crests and diamond stars on the shoulders mean something important about progress.

Perhaps we need a kind of feedback. Perhaps it's built into us to desire power. Perhaps we have nothing else but this to look forward.

Once my Police course manager mentioned that to attain the higher rank requires more than the years you serve. It's not an automatic thing where you serve that amount of years and you would get it. To be appointed a higher rank, you have to carry the responsibilities of that higher rank and the current one you are holding.

So it coincides with the nature of improving oneself to be 'better'. It makes sense. You will only start being better when you do more than what you are already comfortable with. One can simply add that we need to be hungry, not greedy.

And when you have finally proved your worth to hold those responsibilities, you will finally reach the apex of being better by attaining that higher rank. There's this notion of a much shunned "results-first-reward-later" mentality.

It makes sense doesn't it? Just that the many ranks illustrate many phases of being better at something. The higher you climb, the better you get. Simple logic.

And in the midst of leaders, the better you are, the higher your 'rank' will be in the eyes of others. Especially when we are exceptionally attracted to the 'creative' ideas that comes from these extraordinary leader. It's as though he's perfect. But he's not.

The matter of fact is that all of us were once noobs of life. We had to start somewhere. We used to suck. The deal is that some of us are better off than others. Some learn faster, some get exposed more, some pounce on the chances faster.

It was never fair in the first place. So when we try to force something called democracy, there will be opposition. It's like a body rejecting a transplanted organ. But it's not unfair in the hands of those around us. This is created by the above.

Far higher, far superior, far perfect than man. Unfairness stems from the natural nature of God. We were born differently in the first place, so stop asking for fairness, equality, democracy.

Prologue: "Quite down, you're too loud."

About more than a month ago, I went for this gig at BlueJaz bar. It was my first exposure to live jazzy tunes and it was simply superb. The performance was further beautifully intricate with the vocals of Charlie Lim. You have to give this guy a hand, he can hold you mesmerised with his deep tones.

Little did I know, Jazz had put a charm on me. The way I put it, the instruments revive its traditional roles, and that is to compliment the vocals. Moreover, they string the whole performance with emancipated wholesome goodness without overpowering the vocals. And that bass IS SO SEDUCTIVE. BAHHHH.

Simply amazing.

I would have to thank the heavens above for that gig. It was pure luck that I was able to catch that gig. And, had not for that gig, I wouldn't be as motivated I am right now. Figure that a string of events, both fortunate and unfortunate, took it's effort to turn the cogs of fate. The thing is, I don't know what kind of fate it's turning into.

Have Charlie Lim a listen if you'd like to sprinkle some jazz onto your music servings at his Soundcloud page. (https://soundcloud.com/charlielim)

Premium and Genuine.

Sink deep fast. Adaptability is key. From the recent studies, it appears otherwise. Our priorities have shifted, our needs have changed, our focus has been realigned. Last week, I spent my Sunday with my most jovial friends from the polytechnic days. We seem to grow closer as time passes even if we don't see each other everyday. The hours we put is don't qualify our friendship as friends, but we share our stories like we have known for long. That is, in fact, true.

It seems like a staple table topic to fill each's ears with stories of our loves. And it piqued me initially for I always say the same old story. New girls, but the same old story.

And a thought skirted me while I play my same scenes in these meetups. I thought of bringing it up but I definitely would not want to spoil this soup. And now, I have it in my mind. And hopefully, this comes of well.

While we romanticise the woman in our lives, the actual truth is that we are doing our greatest con ever.

It looks that we are proving our worth to her. It looks that we are signalling our purpose and our reasons. Then, why must we feel so disdained when our efforts are turned down? Simply put that we would naturally feel "fucked all over" if our project work we dedicate so long goes into the recycling bin. It IS the natural reaction. But my argument stems into the origins of this natural feeling.

If we really want to do it, even if we fail it once, twice or a bazillion times, it would not matter. Our dedication, perseverance, commitment, passion supersedes failures. Simply put, if you want her, you will do whatever it takes to win her.

Though dozen will contest this and say that, "YES, do whatever it takes. WHATEVER." So even if it consists of lying and faking things? Is that what true love is?

Heck, what do I know about this lovey dove stuff.

I just say that these efforts are treated with ingenuity and insincerity. We are too focused in letting her know that we want her and forget what we really are doing. If I really love you, I figure I'll prove it in person. Paper romance is amateur. Actions speak louder than words. In this result-dominated World treated with constant instant-information dosages, we get too impatient when things go slow.

Premium and genuine feelings; "I will make you special because I really want you." are some words so elusive in this life.

Sky's falling. Wake up.

Come back while you can. If not, find a purpose, think. If not, rind a reason, do. We live our lives too ideally. We want this and that but forget the small things in life that makes a huge difference. Why?

I must start appreciating the things in life. But this purpose is juvenile and lacking. It makes me a turtle, slow and hardly leaving the comforts of home. So I must start being hungry. Always wanting to progress and finding challenges and dishing out results. But this purpose makes me exhaustive.

WHAT I NEED TO BE IS BOTH. Couple my acts with humbleness and constant improving, I should be king. Then again, the point is not to be king. The point is for the heart to be gold. If I can't make mine gold, how can I help others to it?

I lost myself, they say. I am selfish, he says. I get the better of myself, we all say. Admitting these, I understand this plight. But I must contest that I do for the right reasons. These days, you lose yourself to make remind where you come from. These days, we become selfish, for the right reasons. These days, you get the better, to be better.

Think with purpose, do with reason. Else, your sky will be falling. 

FAKE.

Don't wanna take a chance on your paper romance anyway. It's all fake.

I'll Eat my Candy with My Pork and Beans

I do not feel comfortable here. Then again, I was not suppose to be comfortable here. The people that surround me begin to peel away their real lies. They start being themselves. This marks of me losing myself. I have to admit, they make the best lies I've seen.

I just want to break you down so badly in the worst way. Something that resides in true horror should be left dead. Some want to torture but I'm humane in the most inhumane way. The best way is to stay away, else you'll be leaving with a fat lip. Sad thing is, I'll be hunting every one of them down.

Such a horrid experience. In front of me, the demolition of a simple society. It's not collapsing naturally. It's being demolished, BRICK BY BRICK. Strange thing is, they call this a 'natural' demolition. Though I have spent time dismantling the most of intangible things, I can't wrap my head around something so simple, working together.

So I was right, people are selfish for themselves. They think they deserve the best. They think it's their right. They think they are king. Please, for Heaven's sake, throw these mindsets away. Work WITH US. Talk WITH US. Understand WITH US.

And just because we are too fearful to lay it all open, we can't live on. Such imbeciles.

Lunch.

Like a pike pierced my throat, I am caught without words again. Someone wants me silenced, and he got it his way, for now. My body is bent but my mind is king. He is immortal in this space and time.

Of the notion of body, mind and soul in unison, it is becoming a lie. 3 entities are 3 entities however similar they are. The only time they become one is when it is a single entity duplicated 3 times.

They are not the same. Get that straight first. What they are is a great ballet of synchronised pirouette, balanced steps and gentle motions. The great symphony of acts make these 3 entities a tool of sheer power. They make a man beyond machine, human and sometimes, God.

But I've never seen anyone perfect it. I've only seen scores of mortals using it and fail. Only some that are crazy enough, stupid enough, determined enough have this unique ability at their disposal. But they no longer become what society is comfortable with.

So lose your mental compass. Delve into where no one wishes to be. But then again, how can you we achieve greatness if you don't want to pay for it?

There is no free lunch in this World.

Mellon.

I think in every angst teenager's playlist should be Smashing Pumpkin's Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. It seems only right that this album deserves its place in there. I figure that this is my 5th time listening/humming/imagining the songs this few months. Maybe some might consider this the music that most suicide cases start of by.

Not saying that I am angst or suicidal, that is.

It's been quite some time since I've zone out on a piece of work with music that just seem to bring me forth. Seems that I appreciate my work more with songs of nonsensical lyrics, heavy drums, freakish guitar riffs and deafening bass. Maybe someone should do a science paper on this. Or maybe, it's the same as how listening to symphony increases focus. Hmm.

SO I AM LEAVING in 4 weeks. I am leaving this government-funded 'factory' and starting another whole new leg of this thing we call service. Probably I would be covering premises of Changi Airport. Maybe I could ride in the Ang Chia to respond to any internal threat. Or what about scouring the MRTs? And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I would finally wear that white sleeves with 2 blue stripes on my shoulders.

But that's 4 weeks from now, it's still quite some time. I can't really say I am eager to move on. Besides, I am moving on to something of an uncertainty. And that is one thing I dislike the most. But one thing is for sure, 4 weeks will come.

Part Deux: My Nonchalant 21.

Of bartering love against your sacrifices, it doesn't seem so right. I mean, it should be more of an unconditional thing. But our obsession with numbers have us affixing a value that we understand onto something so intangible that no number can explain it. It is our quest to understand the hard-to-understand. But sometimes, we just have to stop being so detailed. Then look at things at a whole. Take it in all at once and act the first thing you feel.

Now that is you.

I stopped being fake back when I lost everything. It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything. So today, I championed being real. So a simple dinner, a simple meal, a simple human touch. Though the pizza would make it perfect. But hey, life isn't anyway.

It has been great. And it can only get better.

Left with a month to my posting in Police, developments around my bunk has never got my brain glowing with so much activity, training has never failed to separate my body and soul, life has never been this great. The best part? It just got started.

So here's to 21 years of the nonchalant me and more to come!

Part Un: "This must be the worst day of your life."

It is today. Now that's fast.

I remember back then, I was smashed with a chocolate cake. It was not that ugly. But considering I was interviewing one club member for my Board, not so much of first impression eh? That was 3 years ago.

I remember back then, I was celebrating a day of ridicule. It was a rehearsal for a charity concert that I was involved. Little had I realised that in my comfortableness in this fun and laughter, it caused me my internship. Heck, it was worth it. That was 2 years ago.

I remember back then, I was ruling out and planing every conscious opportunity for my Board to repeat last year's 'celebration'. And at the same time, I was deep rooted into the developments of my club's future. And in that Loft apartment, knowing I was uber busy, they still made me smile the widest. And I remembered that we bought 2 ice cream cones at Macs with my debit. What a first. That was last year.

Flashbacks.

This year, amidst serving the nation and finding my way around this place, I would love to have a rave or something. Maybe throw a live band and a BBQ, plus some pool party. Then the DJ will play it throughout the night. Now, that's a 21st everyone dreams of. But perhaps, let's take this time to just gather our thoughts, reorganise our efforts and plan the next step.

It's time that we do away with a cultural definition that requires us to throw something for everyone. I need to just sit with you. No way. No way will I allow a culture dictate my actions. My values are golden. They are sound. They are whole.

So let's grab a drink together and chatter the night away. Because all I want is just your presence. No presents. No party. No cake. Just you. : )

Roll.

And just like that, Roland killed 2 of my projects. It was reaching the end of its life anyway. All that was lost were the incomplete essays and discussions and ideas that were still under development. And so, with time just lingering away, they had no choice but to kill those 2.

I wouldn't say I was taken aback or defiant or angry with his decision. It just got to me that things don't last forever. And I wouldn't say I saw it coming. For a fact, this is by no means a roadblock to all my links. It's more of a redefinition of my purpose, and that is now to just return for fun.

Haha.

An interesting even happened on Friday night. But before that, you have to know the details of my book out. Apparently, our agile fingers were not fast enough. The FI caught one of my squad mates with a contraband albeit it was not that severe as a pack of cigarettes. After much discussion on the "corrective action", it was decided that we will book in earlier. Well, that was not very welcomed by the others. Oh boy.

On Friday night, this interesting event happened. I got a call from one of my seniors. We were catching up on the times we worked and I mentioned how my day was. And his reaction was... golden.

"So... What the fuck were you waiting for?", he said.

"What do you mean?", puzzled by his question.

"Why didn't you take the fall? You were the IC!"

It just struck me. Not because of confusion why a person should be accountable for the mistakes of others but of my previous self. I used to be that guy. That guy who was fearless about the selfish actions of others. It didn't matter to me that it was his or him or their mistakes. The leader of the pack who has the balls to be take up this role should have the balls to be responsible for others as well. And us being us, we are hardened to take any any and every shit. These leaders are the ones that defy God. We make God run for his money. Fate and destiny is something we will accept as God's plan. But sometimes, we don't like that plan. We will change it. That what makes our group so special.

We are the nonchalant few.

Yeah, I used to be fearless like the others. As an added effect, I had the balls to do almost all the crazy stuff. Fearless, and ballsy. Nice.