smiling again...

well it's not that she ignores me, it's just that i'm not willing to give the chance to smile at me. she smiled at me even though i did so many things that's bad. that's why she's my friend. i never thought such feeling exists. this feeling must be kept forever if i want to keep her. i can't stop smiling! :) :) :) :) :) :)

oh ya, she listens to dashboard confessionals.

no more

i'm depressed.

mac in school

mr chew says that if i connect an external computer the school's internet, the computer might transfer its viruses to it's computer. well, i'm using a mac, it has "no" viruses. :) done my njrc video's shoot, all are done well except for the scenes of brandon. tsk. faster leh.

i saw her just now. well about an hour ago. she was pretty today. yea i think, i think i should say sorry to her but she doesn't want to accept it. WHY? maybe she doesn't want me to feel apologetic. well, that was what i have been for the past few days and months. maybe she just doesn't care?

well i still care about her...

a Lady

I fell in love with someone. She is fine like a lady. That's why I call her a lady instead of a girl, woman or female. They are just not appropriate. I met her a year ago. Her charm got me onto my feet and this made me have a crush on her. Breaking the ice a year later, things didn't go quite as plan. The more I think of her, the more we came apart. It was after all because of me. Regretted.

I sms-ed her the other day. It was a Sat. I was doing my alice and wondered, she was there telling me to stay strong but I was there, waging war and looking at her as an enemy. Don't let me go to details, we talked and well it was nice. We finally spoke. :)

I wanted to apologise to her for all that I've done to her but she doesn't let me. I gave her an sms saying that I wanted to say sorry. No reply. I even waited for her. Nope, she's not coming out. So how?

emo posts are from me... sry...

i think i'm the 1000th person saying that LIFE'S HARD... I could be the first saying LIFE AIN'T PERFECT. fuck it.

I just finished my SS project that is 2 days late. Mr Koh will probably deduct 10 marks from the total 50 but HECK! After all, all of us have been failing... Read my previous posts and you would have noticed that i've become A BIT emo. Bare with me guys, i'm on an emotional breakdown. Read it or not, that's something i can't control. But do tell me that I have loads of friends...

After almost a year on blogger, my english has only improved by a bit... A BIT! whaaatt! i mean i thought my english would improve by a huge margin! but i guess it's not! xP i went to my chij friend's blog and her english just made me froze in time. my ex-english teacher's blog... well, let's just say it was a BOMB. i guess i'll get back to my work now. getting emo liao.

Another Emo Post

There are no words, in my reality,
that can describe the way i feel.
It's hurting, but there's no pain.
It's injuring, but there's no blood.
It's painful, but there's no tear.
My face is ripped away from any expression,
hiding my true self.
Even hiding doesn't keep the peering eyes away,
so they will notice.
It help they might be, but a let down they can be.

My life is getting out of hand. And this is because of ME. But there's no use complaining if I can't really solve this. I'm being too emotional. "At the end of the day, I'm surprised to see that we human beings are so fragile in nature."

Greed

I really think she knows. But if she knew that, why didn't she fought it back? It'll end all these unnecessary conflicts. Maybe she did try to stop me, but I was persistent.

Yea...

Wild World

I'm really going nuts. This is not what a perfectionist wants or should be doing. A perfectionist is someone who aces everything altogether at the same time. I must say though, there is no such thing as perfect. So in this world, a perfectionist cease to exists. This world is not perfect. It has the pros and cons. It is beautiful but it can chew one up and spilt it out in a blink of an eye. I once wanted to be a perfectionist. I wanted to predict the future and prove the world out there that being perfect is a reality. But maybe I define "being perfect" in a different way. Being perfect to me is getting all your dreams achieved and become what you really want. I think some of us define perfect as having a leisurely life where conditions are perfect and everything is going one's way. Hmm... sounds nice! Well, scrutinise those two statements and you'll find out why mine differs greatly than the one the world defines.

I wanted to be perfect as it gave me a sense of hope. I was thinking, if this sense of hope is constant, it'll further fuel me to glory and thus, achieving far greater results. This is backed up when I saw the damsel. She is everything I need. She could be my shoulder, my benchmark, my role model, my everything. She then, became my reason to live. But I lost her some time ago. . .

Now, I live with no reason.

High v1.0

ACS(I) beat SAS in a rugby C Div final today at the Yio Chu Kang Stadium. The stripped boys battled the bumblebees for a whole game but only managed to get a 10-7 defeat. Overall, it was a better result than the B Div finals which ended in total dismay. In that match, the bumblebees trashed the saints. Even with a lost, the school cheered on ignoring the inevitable fate.

The point is that there won't be a half day. Thus, my NJRC plans are ruined! -_-

I just finished my sole homework and gonna start on SS quite a bit later. Looks like I'm sleeping late again... I'M ALREADY LOSING HAIR! That shows how much stress I'm undergoing. Yea, my school lost to ACS(I) again. Apart from the much deserved half day, I was expecting good results as this year's C Div was promising. Please take note the WAS. I am going to start a new blog for NJRC's sake. I need a web to pour my updates. Well, that's that. I think I'm going to forget SS and sleep. One more thing, my team got into the finals for ALICE. Dang it.

Yeap.

I'm 15 and I don't have my own room. I'm not insisting for one but if I do get one in the end, it'll look like this!

Simple and plain. I don't need a leather couch of a HDTV. I just want space. I used a software called Floor Planner to generate this. It's kind of cool when you get to plan you own living space without any need of contractors or blueprints. Just the simple flash will make you look like an pro! Click me. If I have a room, it'll take me at least 1 year to both re-renovate it and clear all the junk. That's a looooong time time!

Changing The Skin

I'm gonna change the skin soon!

Keeping My Mind Off Her

Ok, I got a job that will (as the title has said) keep my mind busy. My father has
FINALLY AGREED TO GET ME A DIY! bf2142 here I come!

2142...whoa!

I went out on the 8th with my robo buddies. We went to play LAN together at e2max cathay. It wasn't that crowded but I was expecting it to be. After all, school ends at 10.30 so it should be flooded with people. Anyway, we went to play BF 2142, again, and it's not surprising that I'm the most NOOB among the 4. Even though I kept dying, I must say, it is a great game. Like there was once, Bri killed a guy and his death position was him being hooked at a roof! He was hanging at one foot upside down! LOL! After playing for an hours, I got the hang of it but still, I kept dying! T.T

After 2 hours of playing bf 2142, we headed down to the lonely basement and just got ourselves a quick snack. Yea, I saw my class exiting the cinema. They were like "what the heck" is zul doing here man! C'mon guys! I DO go out ok! I saw keith with them which obviously went up to togu and said, "Whoa! He's a guy!". He's just expressing the details on Togu's appearance, very gay and almost like a Japanese. Here's to Togu, work harder man! I know you wanna be a Japanese girl! LOLOLOL!!!

A min later, we were all at the arcade. Then I just remembered, I FORGOT TO BRING THE CARD!!! So that's why I was sharing with Togu. I topped up 5 bucks on his card, which I DIDN'T GET TO PLAY MUCH... I think I spent only 3 bucks on games... Oh well, who cares eh? Owned by the computer in time crisis, I cared nothing about that. Just then, Togu dropped his contacts! WHAT THE! He's like playing with his contacts WHICH WAS STILL IN HIS EYE. That is supremely SICK!!! But of course, his "lol" ended with him losing one of his contact. His eye became dried and he had to go to the restroom. Anything that concerns the eye is a major thing... well of course.

I got back and finished my njrc stuff. Phew! A pretty laid back day you say or is it just the way I blog? Hmm...

Troy Ohoy!

I just finished watching Troy on channel 5. Well... It's a okok soso movie. Well I spoiled it when I wikied the movie on my mac. Hey! I didn't get a chance to understand their lines! IT'S SO COMPLICATED!

I've finally got over the death. Well just a bit. I still think of her.

Anyway, NJRC is just 3 weeks away. I should have gotten the planning ball rolling weeks ago but I finally got a roll yesterday. [It's 1am now...] I've finally did my video storyline and I'm really impressed by it! I just need the tools! Well i gotta sleep now. Still thinking of her...

FUCK IT!

FUCK IT MAN!
CUT THOSE DAMM STRINGS!
YOU MAKE ME SQUEEZED UP!
I'M NOTING BUT A TOOL TO YOU!
FUCK IT!

I don't know what to say...

During conversations or fights or even thinking, or blogging, one way or another, i will come to a narrow path and to a dead end, i don't know what to say. I think i have said that like a thousand times and it has become a really bad habit of mine. So! In my quest to eradicate this habit of mine, i dug up a little deep in my mind. Inside, i found myself to be that of imbecilic and believe it or not, immature. It's not that everyone expects a 15 year old to be a 30 year old. It's just that when that happens, that 15 year old gets a little more respect. ; ) Deeper i dug into the hard solid of mind. After hours of digging, my journey stopped with a vast door in front of me. That door was familiar. Suddenly, every living past started to flash before my very eyes. it might have sounded cliché but it really happened. Time seemed to freeze everything as my muscles fought their way for control. Like pouring water into sand, it was futile. I then remembered. I remembered how my friend would open that very same door and we will both smile to our heart's desire. It amazes me how easy she would open that door. But the sun was setting on us.

By the time you read here, my above paragraph was created within seconds of the real happenings. But since that's over, it's time for me to mourn over the death of a great friendship. Alchemy could revive that but that is forbidden. But as long i get to look at her eyes once more.

Leave Me Alone

I sent an sms to her, hoping that sms would end my conflicts with her. However, that wasn't so. She seemed unwilling to speak to me. It was as though she was blaming me for everything that I have done. For that, it's true. It was because of me that made me ignore her, defy her and even hate her. So now, she can't believe that I did such things and wants me to carry the weights of judgement. Whatever she said is true and I can't false that. I can feel her pain when she looks at me, looking at a failed project that takes advantage of every living thing. It's an unbearable pain that I too can feel. So many sacrifices that she has made that were wasted like water down a drain but I want her to make one final sacrifice, to forgive me. If she doesn't want to, at least she could look at me and tell me that she knows what I'm doing and at the very least, understand me.

But I guess that would never happen. Even though I have felt hate over her, I can never get her out of my heart. Tonight I live in sorrow just to let her live.

It's Over

I broke her heart. And it's over.

My world is over.

So Why?

Problems surround us like water surrounds an island. They are endless and simple. A simple compound of H2O can save us from dehydration but it can kill us it there is too much. Water is blue but actually, they are colourless, true and transparent. Same with problems. They are true as they reflect what we really are, full of flaws.

: (

Robotics Meeting are nothing. They waste the time that were given. Is that how we really do things? Why can't we be perfect? Life would be so much easier and things will be done much faster. So what now? My club's full of idiots that can't even follow simple instructions. WHAT ARE THEY??? Oh wait, they are humans. They throw away the creativity and limit their minds. They believe everything but perfect. WE CAN be perfect. It's just that are we willing to trade something of equal value for that?

If humans don't believe in being perfect. What am I?