Always Fighting.

I am scared. That, if it doesn't happen the way I hope it did, I'll just be trapped in this cursed loop of time. I am sick of the replays. I am sick of the same replies. I am sick of the same old me. But I am scared to change it.

What happens next could be a whole new journey or the same old story. It would be better when someone could tell me that everything would be okay. But it can't be that way. It just can't.

But I know things just gotta happen. What needs to be said, have to be said. What needs to be done, must be done.

I am fighting.

Where is this War?

"While in Rome, do as the Romans do."

That really stuck to me while on the way back from running errands. I was toying ideas in my head when the discussion on education level came about. The question is, "Why do we group the enlistees according to their highest education level?"

You would see the JC graduates in the same batch as the diploma holders. And in the Army, they are considered the leaders batch. Whereas on the other end of the scale, we have ITE graduates, NITEC or Higher NITEC students, and dropouts etc. Why? Why is there a need to distinguish at this perspective? Conversations with my friends around have yielded a negative look towards such a move. I quote a friend, "This is a sad reality fact of our society. Without paper (certificates/diplomas), there is nothing much to say. Personally, this highlights how we are just pawns in war."

Pawns in war? Interesting.

I guess what he was trying to say was that whoever decided this believed that if you have a piece of paper on you, it means that you are 'better'. The matter of fact is that when you are out there, no matter what, it does not matter what/who you are or were. As long as you are pointing the rifle at the right direction. THIS should be the factor for "pawns in war". I guess the redeeming fact, if any, is that each and everyone is equal. Everyone will be on equal footing. We will all start from scratch. We are all naked.

Roll in your arguments. You might involve the need for swift decision making and robust planning as part of being in the Armed Forces. And I definitely agree that not everyone has that edge when it comes to such scenarios. I've detailed it before. These snap moves require a certain kind of discipline, a certain kind of skill set and ultimately a certain kind of experience. And these requirements are mostly fulfilled at higher education levels. It is not a matter of how much they have studied. This does not make them better.

JC-Poly students are not better. They are just better equipped.

If given the same amount of exposure and lessons/modules, everyone can achieve a similar result. I always have this firm believe that what makes you is not the things you fill yourself with. It is what you are surrounded by. Take a look at the Asch experiment: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asch_conformity_experiments) It's an interesting read on how we are simply greatly influenced by the things around us. Look, we are adaptable beings. So it is no surprise here.

But in the Armed Forces, we seem to take this finding to a whole new level. It might as well cause a great divide of our forces. The thing is, we do not need to separate. We do not have to resort to this method of labelling those who are better equipped and those that are not. The way I see this, it creates a negative vibe that the Armed Forces are nothing but a business model. Where is the pride? Where is the glory? Where is the camaraderie of the fighters?

But then again, why do we need fighters when there are no more fights to fight. Why do we need to prepare for war when there are no more wars?

Back burning, sweat dripping, heart's pumping.

The weak will perish. But you won't.

"Don't fall in love. It blinds you mostly from the real world. You might be at cloud nine but those around you aren't.

The work we do cannot have us blinded. One step, one moment, one mistake is all it takes for all to end.

The enemies are the biggest, baddest, hardest. Then, we have to be bigger, badder, harder."

3rd Team Leader

Prologue: Progress

There's something about one's desire to be better. In this world, those chevrons, national crests and diamond stars on the shoulders mean something important about progress.

Perhaps we need a kind of feedback. Perhaps it's built into us to desire power. Perhaps we have nothing else but this to look forward.

Once my Police course manager mentioned that to attain the higher rank requires more than the years you serve. It's not an automatic thing where you serve that amount of years and you would get it. To be appointed a higher rank, you have to carry the responsibilities of that higher rank and the current one you are holding.

So it coincides with the nature of improving oneself to be 'better'. It makes sense. You will only start being better when you do more than what you are already comfortable with. One can simply add that we need to be hungry, not greedy.

And when you have finally proved your worth to hold those responsibilities, you will finally reach the apex of being better by attaining that higher rank. There's this notion of a much shunned "results-first-reward-later" mentality.

It makes sense doesn't it? Just that the many ranks illustrate many phases of being better at something. The higher you climb, the better you get. Simple logic.

And in the midst of leaders, the better you are, the higher your 'rank' will be in the eyes of others. Especially when we are exceptionally attracted to the 'creative' ideas that comes from these extraordinary leader. It's as though he's perfect. But he's not.

The matter of fact is that all of us were once noobs of life. We had to start somewhere. We used to suck. The deal is that some of us are better off than others. Some learn faster, some get exposed more, some pounce on the chances faster.

It was never fair in the first place. So when we try to force something called democracy, there will be opposition. It's like a body rejecting a transplanted organ. But it's not unfair in the hands of those around us. This is created by the above.

Far higher, far superior, far perfect than man. Unfairness stems from the natural nature of God. We were born differently in the first place, so stop asking for fairness, equality, democracy.

Prologue: "Quite down, you're too loud."

About more than a month ago, I went for this gig at BlueJaz bar. It was my first exposure to live jazzy tunes and it was simply superb. The performance was further beautifully intricate with the vocals of Charlie Lim. You have to give this guy a hand, he can hold you mesmerised with his deep tones.

Little did I know, Jazz had put a charm on me. The way I put it, the instruments revive its traditional roles, and that is to compliment the vocals. Moreover, they string the whole performance with emancipated wholesome goodness without overpowering the vocals. And that bass IS SO SEDUCTIVE. BAHHHH.

Simply amazing.

I would have to thank the heavens above for that gig. It was pure luck that I was able to catch that gig. And, had not for that gig, I wouldn't be as motivated I am right now. Figure that a string of events, both fortunate and unfortunate, took it's effort to turn the cogs of fate. The thing is, I don't know what kind of fate it's turning into.

Have Charlie Lim a listen if you'd like to sprinkle some jazz onto your music servings at his Soundcloud page. (https://soundcloud.com/charlielim)

Premium and Genuine.

Sink deep fast. Adaptability is key. From the recent studies, it appears otherwise. Our priorities have shifted, our needs have changed, our focus has been realigned. Last week, I spent my Sunday with my most jovial friends from the polytechnic days. We seem to grow closer as time passes even if we don't see each other everyday. The hours we put is don't qualify our friendship as friends, but we share our stories like we have known for long. That is, in fact, true.

It seems like a staple table topic to fill each's ears with stories of our loves. And it piqued me initially for I always say the same old story. New girls, but the same old story.

And a thought skirted me while I play my same scenes in these meetups. I thought of bringing it up but I definitely would not want to spoil this soup. And now, I have it in my mind. And hopefully, this comes of well.

While we romanticise the woman in our lives, the actual truth is that we are doing our greatest con ever.

It looks that we are proving our worth to her. It looks that we are signalling our purpose and our reasons. Then, why must we feel so disdained when our efforts are turned down? Simply put that we would naturally feel "fucked all over" if our project work we dedicate so long goes into the recycling bin. It IS the natural reaction. But my argument stems into the origins of this natural feeling.

If we really want to do it, even if we fail it once, twice or a bazillion times, it would not matter. Our dedication, perseverance, commitment, passion supersedes failures. Simply put, if you want her, you will do whatever it takes to win her.

Though dozen will contest this and say that, "YES, do whatever it takes. WHATEVER." So even if it consists of lying and faking things? Is that what true love is?

Heck, what do I know about this lovey dove stuff.

I just say that these efforts are treated with ingenuity and insincerity. We are too focused in letting her know that we want her and forget what we really are doing. If I really love you, I figure I'll prove it in person. Paper romance is amateur. Actions speak louder than words. In this result-dominated World treated with constant instant-information dosages, we get too impatient when things go slow.

Premium and genuine feelings; "I will make you special because I really want you." are some words so elusive in this life.

Sky's falling. Wake up.

Come back while you can. If not, find a purpose, think. If not, rind a reason, do. We live our lives too ideally. We want this and that but forget the small things in life that makes a huge difference. Why?

I must start appreciating the things in life. But this purpose is juvenile and lacking. It makes me a turtle, slow and hardly leaving the comforts of home. So I must start being hungry. Always wanting to progress and finding challenges and dishing out results. But this purpose makes me exhaustive.

WHAT I NEED TO BE IS BOTH. Couple my acts with humbleness and constant improving, I should be king. Then again, the point is not to be king. The point is for the heart to be gold. If I can't make mine gold, how can I help others to it?

I lost myself, they say. I am selfish, he says. I get the better of myself, we all say. Admitting these, I understand this plight. But I must contest that I do for the right reasons. These days, you lose yourself to make remind where you come from. These days, we become selfish, for the right reasons. These days, you get the better, to be better.

Think with purpose, do with reason. Else, your sky will be falling.