FAKE.

Don't wanna take a chance on your paper romance anyway. It's all fake.

I'll Eat my Candy with My Pork and Beans

I do not feel comfortable here. Then again, I was not suppose to be comfortable here. The people that surround me begin to peel away their real lies. They start being themselves. This marks of me losing myself. I have to admit, they make the best lies I've seen.

I just want to break you down so badly in the worst way. Something that resides in true horror should be left dead. Some want to torture but I'm humane in the most inhumane way. The best way is to stay away, else you'll be leaving with a fat lip. Sad thing is, I'll be hunting every one of them down.

Such a horrid experience. In front of me, the demolition of a simple society. It's not collapsing naturally. It's being demolished, BRICK BY BRICK. Strange thing is, they call this a 'natural' demolition. Though I have spent time dismantling the most of intangible things, I can't wrap my head around something so simple, working together.

So I was right, people are selfish for themselves. They think they deserve the best. They think it's their right. They think they are king. Please, for Heaven's sake, throw these mindsets away. Work WITH US. Talk WITH US. Understand WITH US.

And just because we are too fearful to lay it all open, we can't live on. Such imbeciles.

Lunch.

Like a pike pierced my throat, I am caught without words again. Someone wants me silenced, and he got it his way, for now. My body is bent but my mind is king. He is immortal in this space and time.

Of the notion of body, mind and soul in unison, it is becoming a lie. 3 entities are 3 entities however similar they are. The only time they become one is when it is a single entity duplicated 3 times.

They are not the same. Get that straight first. What they are is a great ballet of synchronised pirouette, balanced steps and gentle motions. The great symphony of acts make these 3 entities a tool of sheer power. They make a man beyond machine, human and sometimes, God.

But I've never seen anyone perfect it. I've only seen scores of mortals using it and fail. Only some that are crazy enough, stupid enough, determined enough have this unique ability at their disposal. But they no longer become what society is comfortable with.

So lose your mental compass. Delve into where no one wishes to be. But then again, how can you we achieve greatness if you don't want to pay for it?

There is no free lunch in this World.

Mellon.

I think in every angst teenager's playlist should be Smashing Pumpkin's Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. It seems only right that this album deserves its place in there. I figure that this is my 5th time listening/humming/imagining the songs this few months. Maybe some might consider this the music that most suicide cases start of by.

Not saying that I am angst or suicidal, that is.

It's been quite some time since I've zone out on a piece of work with music that just seem to bring me forth. Seems that I appreciate my work more with songs of nonsensical lyrics, heavy drums, freakish guitar riffs and deafening bass. Maybe someone should do a science paper on this. Or maybe, it's the same as how listening to symphony increases focus. Hmm.

SO I AM LEAVING in 4 weeks. I am leaving this government-funded 'factory' and starting another whole new leg of this thing we call service. Probably I would be covering premises of Changi Airport. Maybe I could ride in the Ang Chia to respond to any internal threat. Or what about scouring the MRTs? And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I would finally wear that white sleeves with 2 blue stripes on my shoulders.

But that's 4 weeks from now, it's still quite some time. I can't really say I am eager to move on. Besides, I am moving on to something of an uncertainty. And that is one thing I dislike the most. But one thing is for sure, 4 weeks will come.

Part Deux: My Nonchalant 21.

Of bartering love against your sacrifices, it doesn't seem so right. I mean, it should be more of an unconditional thing. But our obsession with numbers have us affixing a value that we understand onto something so intangible that no number can explain it. It is our quest to understand the hard-to-understand. But sometimes, we just have to stop being so detailed. Then look at things at a whole. Take it in all at once and act the first thing you feel.

Now that is you.

I stopped being fake back when I lost everything. It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything. So today, I championed being real. So a simple dinner, a simple meal, a simple human touch. Though the pizza would make it perfect. But hey, life isn't anyway.

It has been great. And it can only get better.

Left with a month to my posting in Police, developments around my bunk has never got my brain glowing with so much activity, training has never failed to separate my body and soul, life has never been this great. The best part? It just got started.

So here's to 21 years of the nonchalant me and more to come!

Part Un: "This must be the worst day of your life."

It is today. Now that's fast.

I remember back then, I was smashed with a chocolate cake. It was not that ugly. But considering I was interviewing one club member for my Board, not so much of first impression eh? That was 3 years ago.

I remember back then, I was celebrating a day of ridicule. It was a rehearsal for a charity concert that I was involved. Little had I realised that in my comfortableness in this fun and laughter, it caused me my internship. Heck, it was worth it. That was 2 years ago.

I remember back then, I was ruling out and planing every conscious opportunity for my Board to repeat last year's 'celebration'. And at the same time, I was deep rooted into the developments of my club's future. And in that Loft apartment, knowing I was uber busy, they still made me smile the widest. And I remembered that we bought 2 ice cream cones at Macs with my debit. What a first. That was last year.

Flashbacks.

This year, amidst serving the nation and finding my way around this place, I would love to have a rave or something. Maybe throw a live band and a BBQ, plus some pool party. Then the DJ will play it throughout the night. Now, that's a 21st everyone dreams of. But perhaps, let's take this time to just gather our thoughts, reorganise our efforts and plan the next step.

It's time that we do away with a cultural definition that requires us to throw something for everyone. I need to just sit with you. No way. No way will I allow a culture dictate my actions. My values are golden. They are sound. They are whole.

So let's grab a drink together and chatter the night away. Because all I want is just your presence. No presents. No party. No cake. Just you. : )

Roll.

And just like that, Roland killed 2 of my projects. It was reaching the end of its life anyway. All that was lost were the incomplete essays and discussions and ideas that were still under development. And so, with time just lingering away, they had no choice but to kill those 2.

I wouldn't say I was taken aback or defiant or angry with his decision. It just got to me that things don't last forever. And I wouldn't say I saw it coming. For a fact, this is by no means a roadblock to all my links. It's more of a redefinition of my purpose, and that is now to just return for fun.

Haha.

An interesting even happened on Friday night. But before that, you have to know the details of my book out. Apparently, our agile fingers were not fast enough. The FI caught one of my squad mates with a contraband albeit it was not that severe as a pack of cigarettes. After much discussion on the "corrective action", it was decided that we will book in earlier. Well, that was not very welcomed by the others. Oh boy.

On Friday night, this interesting event happened. I got a call from one of my seniors. We were catching up on the times we worked and I mentioned how my day was. And his reaction was... golden.

"So... What the fuck were you waiting for?", he said.

"What do you mean?", puzzled by his question.

"Why didn't you take the fall? You were the IC!"

It just struck me. Not because of confusion why a person should be accountable for the mistakes of others but of my previous self. I used to be that guy. That guy who was fearless about the selfish actions of others. It didn't matter to me that it was his or him or their mistakes. The leader of the pack who has the balls to be take up this role should have the balls to be responsible for others as well. And us being us, we are hardened to take any any and every shit. These leaders are the ones that defy God. We make God run for his money. Fate and destiny is something we will accept as God's plan. But sometimes, we don't like that plan. We will change it. That what makes our group so special.

We are the nonchalant few.

Yeah, I used to be fearless like the others. As an added effect, I had the balls to do almost all the crazy stuff. Fearless, and ballsy. Nice.