heart pain.

pains in the middle. 'nuff said.

Water vs Air

Lyrically, it must make sense. But what attracts one the most are the tones, the bass, the voice. But most importantly, the lyrics that relate to the listener. It connects oneself into a world.

Musical Revelations.

Watched some Korean drama. Initially, it seemed very cliché. It involved bombastic romantic scenes where boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Blah blah blah. I don’t know why many still fall for the same old story. Geez.

But, at the end of the episode, it showcased a scene where boy sings girl to sleep over a phone. It was adorable. Even in my aspects.

Sometimes, I wonder when I could do that. Or even walk her home on rainy days. Or have long phone calls and talk about all things under the sun. Or just burn time sitting at a park whilst falling asleep beside each other. It kinda reminded me all the small things that made me smile for her.

All the small things. They matter. But things that matter to me didn't matter to you.


I did many bad things. But those don’t qualify me as an evil person. It did set me off course and I will have to get back on it. First up, I will be preparing myself for an Overseas Immersion Trip to China. While doing that, I will develop the right mind set for California Challenge.

Sounds not a lot. But add in the Club’s transition phase and under-developed plans. It’s like building a building without a solid blueprint. I need that blueprint.

But there’s only one architect. Damn.

As they put it, if being lighter than air won’t cut it, be like water. Bruce Lee got my back alright!

Fake Plastic Hearts

She and I rarely talk. Or rather, we don’t talk anymore. Say 4 weeks strong? Yeah something like that.

Totally missing the feeling nowadays. I’m acting without thought. I’m thinking without cause. I’m beating without a heart. I can’t feel my heart let alone her heartbeat.

I don’t think I like to talk anymore since my words don’t even make sense. But if I do talk, bet it’ll make sense. After all, no one will care to hear my undirected words.

I can’t feel my heartbeat.             

Gameface.

I don’t exactly talk to her anymore. And a lot of made up conversations have I played in my head, questioning the very morality of this decision. I don’t know man, I just can’t get my own vibe back. She’s there. And there she stands. If I walk up to her, with my palms awaiting hers and if she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. That’s all I can say.

So you’re giving up? They say, experience is the other name of mistakes. And that is true. I have a friend that follows by this defined path of Experiential Learning. Which in today’s context, not at all wrong. But when will enough be enough? If what you experience is not learnt, what position do you have to call it learning? But it doesn’t stop there. And what if we take advantage to an extent that we reject old ideals because we can. Old ideals that resemble in the form of our seniors who are experienced and wise. And to even say that they have never been in these exact situations is just unheard of. It’s like saying that our fathers and mothers are unfit to be what they are because before giving birth to us, they have never been fathers and mothers before. That’s where grandpa and grandma comes in right? 

Plain disgusting.

So am I giving up? No. I have to sit down and think through. Thus, single and unavailable. Whoever thought that there are no stupid questions but stupid answers obviously forgot that there still in existence the sort of entity that still leads to stupid questions. It’s the stupid things we think about. So you can say that for the past months, I’m nothing but trouble to her.

What now? Good question. Maybe finally put on my mask of Gameface. Maybe forever. Because until I realise her importance in my life will I start to understand. For now, I’m just plain useless.

You know Bob Marley? Yeah, he had this belief that Man should be in ‘one piece’. So when he had this cancer that requires him to amputate his leg, he said NO! So when it comes to seat belts, he also said NO because he said that by wearing one, it makes one believe they will be involved in crash and in evidently await for his death. He doesn’t want to predict his death. He wants to be in ‘one piece’. He wants to accept life as it was given, nothing more, nothing less.

This, I call the Seatbelt Story. If you truly would mind, relate to the rejection of help. Some would refer accepting help as a form of anticipating your failure and demise. I used to think that way. But rather, I now think that accepting help is my way of accepting that I suck at that and I’ve zero experience in this. I mean, that is the basis of requesting help in the first place. Because you don’t know what to do or you’ve done much harm than good or you just are so lost.

Oh for Bob Marley, in the end, his cause of death was related to his un-amputated leg.

I can’t ask for help too much. But just sit beside me sometimes and that’s all I need. And maybe a hug or two or a pat on the back. 

You're Special.

I don't know. But one conversation I had led me to this: I want to fight. Fight for a girl that I really care. As I alighted the bus home, I kept this in my mind.

Okay, that's not the point for this post. It doesn't matter what we did. It doesn't matter how much we have done. All it matters is that we did something for the right reason. You see, if I could, I want to give Domino's Pizza some points too! Because if had there not be that branch, we would have not met. And had we not met, we wouldn't have meetings. :)

There was a point when our great-o Advisor asked if I would want to take it up. But I knew deep inside I could have said no. But I want to say yes. Because I has zero experience in this and I was scared if what I did could mess it up. I was just not up to this standard yet! But I took it up. I knew with you and ZH and YW and Fel and everyone, I would be taught and I could learn. And together we did, learn, teach and laugh.

You stayed up for me. : )

You made sure my stomach wasn't growling. : )

You bought a drink for me. : )

I don't care whatever you did. Don't care what productive or whatever. You came and made us smile. You made me smile once again. You made me remember that I can smile again.

You're special.

So come on, let's go eat Fish and Co okay?

Not. Exactly. Feeling. Well.

Not. Exactly. Feeling. Well.

My throat is itchy, my cough is dire, my eyes are heavy and my head just wanna explode. And to imagine I spent the whole afternoon of yesterday cleaning my room up. With dust and dust and more dust, how am I suppose to get back up?! Damn.

My Acer laptop came back in one piece. Though I noticed that it was missing the cover for the card reader. Didn't exactly check it beforehand. But hey, nothing more than an aesthetic aspect that's missing. And also something to protect it from dusts and many other projectiles I put my Acer laptop in harm's way. Haha.

They said that the "thermal module was replaced". OH, YOU MEAN IT OVERHEATED?! And that salesperson assured that the "new chassis has fixed this issue". Righttttt. The repair report detailed that the fan was not spinning. Thus, the machine did not exactly cool down as per normal.

Maybe it's a better idea not to place the air intake vent UNDER the laptop where little air is available. Maybe you (Acer) would like to put it like... AT THE SIDES? OR MAYBE LIKE THE MACBOOK HUH? Man, somethings don't really stick huh?

And of course, with my room, AKA my store room, being a dust prone living space, no wonder that Acer was having 'asthma'. My room has been a place for many things. But primarily, a place to study. Hence, the Study Room. My conditions of a place to study is pretty audacious. Or demanding.

• quiet
• spacious
• 'sterile'
• simple
• well lit (and well equipped)
• space for 2. always.

But that is actually my bare minimum. It has to be quite. Else, I can't concentrate much.

When it come to personal space, I hardly have any. That's why I always love to go back to school in a journey that can cost me about an hour of precious work to just sit down and work. An inconvenience much taken rather than spending my time in this mini-junkyard. Oh yeah, that's how much I really hate my room.

I even thought of renting a room downtown just to escape my space worries! Ugh. And it certainly not smoothing things when Mom comes in complaining about my lack of clearance when knowing full well that 45% of her stuff are in my room; New rice cookers, vacuum cleaners... WTF?! Its my room Mom. And to my brother, GET YOUR STUFF OUT OF MY ROOM. Has the emphasis of MY been enough?

I need to move out from this mess. Literary. If you have a place to 'offer', not a room la, just a place to spend my effort best at, please let me know. For this goodwill, I will amuse you for a limited time only! :)

At the mean time, I have to rest. But if I rest, how can she talk to me?!

Haha, hush.

her smile brightens the night sky

she makes me smile everytime. : ) always.