Do you want to die?

Pop quiz: What do mercenaries do when they don't fight? What is their jobscope now when there is no highest bidder? What do they do when their worth is finally is shunned by reality? What if you feel worthless? What if the sole reason you fought for seems to be a waste?

Think about it. When was the last time you heard the word mercenary? They seem to disappear into society, overtaken by a much more efficient "private army". I'm sure mercenaries were once the in thing. But they just seem to disappear. Just like me.

Tough world, death seems so near.

All around me, they vanish one by one. They become zombies, controlled by their sole goal to just survive. Just to earn enough to live. Just earn enough to relax. Just earn enough to be happy. Whatever happened to our future? I don't grow to be a fucking zombie.

But zombies at least have a reason to 'live'.

Like a retired mercenary. I bet most of them become wasted, spending their retirement funds, if any, on booze. They just become lost. No idea of what to do next. And alcoholism will be on the rise. And then, suicidal. Yikes.

Can't wait to die? Perhaps.

This land was made for you and me

Pfft.

Ahh, the smell beckons me to refresh myself. But I've eluded that feeling with a little reminiscent; my knee. Sigh. I wanted to run this afternoon but my knee still had the rumblings of a one-legged pirate. Heck, a one-legged pirate has more motivation than me. HE LOST A LEG FOR PIRATING. GOSH. THAT DESERVES RESPECT.

I am not going to traditionally write my things to do list here. As if it has a ginormous effect in my productivity. Hell no. Take it to heart because the last time I treated this as my little whiteboard for homework tracking, I still had the same list of things to do. Pure BS.

It's a sign that maybe, just maybe, the conventional carrot-on-a-stick method don't work for me. I think we can also include the barbed whips too. I simply don't have the emotional energy, or mana for you game nerds, to care. Simply put, if I had to be motivate to do something externally, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Motivation from the insides... Ahh. That's a rarity. I used to be the one that wished a ship but built a boat instead. Not because of lack of skill nor lack of heart. But lack of reasons. It's funny how fast time just moves. Too funny, it becomes surreal. Before you know it, it's all gone.

A friend of mine asks me if I had enemies and wondered how I would responded to them. I replied stating that calling them that is an insult to the Oxford dictionary. I mean Hollywood has always labelled enemies as a super villain capable of ruining the world blah… blah… blah… Reality and Hollywood rarely cross paths. The thing is, our only enemy is our other self. The one the losses faith. The one that gives up. The one that we become sometimes. And we fight it everyday.

And that's how we should respond to our 'enemies' anyway. Because the moment we give up, we let them win and we let us become them.

That didn't answer his question of course. He was asking about the lost ones, the forgotten few or the hated plenty. I mean, what else can we do? For me, I just put my hands in my pocket, and pray for them. And I don't talk to them. Why? Well, I just don't.

I move on pretty fast. Heck, I live life in the fast lane. Haha. I don't like to sit and wonder too much. What's done is done. What happens next is well, move on. I'm not heartless, I just want to get things done.

And yeah, there's a handful I don't talk to. Will I talk to them, probably not. We don't share the same interests any longer. But you're not my enemy. And don't take things too seriously. If things seem to be distant, it means 2 things. I don't want to talk and you don't want to talk.

Beats me. Every time I want to remove that distance, I always made the chance to talk to you. But you don't seem to notice. You don't seem to want to talk.

Whatever happened to chivalry? You turned it down when I was offering.

guinevere

Guinevere seems like a great name. Yeah, I'll settle for that name.

The days feel so 'bashy'. I've got some things on my mind, but I just don't feel it's worth. Maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Remember the reports I'm suppose to work on? Zero results.

Remember the compendium of leaders paper I was writing? Don't have the faith to continue.

Remember the times I was looking for you? You forgot about me. I could t fight for you. Anymore.

lightning crashes.

Yeah. It's February everyone.

A month has passed quietly. And before you know it, the chips begin to fall wherever they fall to. No more control freaks. No more perfectionist wizards. No more over-bearing asses. Let time pass by like it was meant to be.

Erm.

I'm not being what I am suppose to be right now. I just thought it would be a change for me to be someone I don't have to care about. Like that day. I had it all planned. I'll be in that room finishing up my most important tasks, hoping for a glimpse of you. Is this a mistake?

My brain sprung in action. And I just felt like leaving. So I left. Like a boss. No no no. Like a rebel. I skewed away from the plans, I left all my stuff in the room, I just gone like the wind. It felt good at first. I hanged out at this Japanese-Italian restaurant with a group. Didn't eat though. I felt free, unchallenged and lightweight.

But a part of me still wanted to go back. Which then my brain stopped working. Somehow, I thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't hurt if I asked if she's free. Foolish mistake.

In the end, I went home, without any things on me. Like the movie "Up in the Air", I thought I had stuffed all my stuff in a backpack and just lit it on fire. I start empty but I start things new everyday. But something noteworthy to mention was that sometimes, plans don't work. And for some of us, we plan like siao only to not use it. That is our cheap consolation. That helps us sleep at night.

And now, it is still February. I need my Hippo time now. Sigh.