We say oh we oh we oh we oh.

"Maybe, just maybe, if we wait long enough, we would see each other."

Hope is what we tell ourselves when we don't get something we can't get, something we don't work for, something we don't deserve. But hope is something that keeps millions of peoples' lives up and running. And ruining millions of peoples' lives is something that we can't have in our circumstances.

SO I got myself a PS3. I am pretty rad about my purchase. I have been prancing over the idea for almost a year now and the PS4 is going to come out soon enough. But I say, "Hey, you don't get it now, you're going to dwell with that idea and you will be going through that same thought process to convince you to buy that. Just go for it. No holding back. Pounce on it."

Well yeah, there is something called the right time. But there is also in existence a handful that just sit on their hands and do nothing. So I say, just go for it.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."  -Mark Twain

This simple quote captures the beauty of trendsetters, of risk takers, of ball-less-beastly-brave men.

But I do realise that there's something about being ball-less-beastly-brave and being stupid. You can't simply go by just your feeling but 'feeling'. You gotta know when to pull the trigger. Yeah, there are times where information is limited and your decision is far from decided. What I am saying is the acts where we become completely detached from the brain. There are those in this world where they machine gun their way in. Man, don't they run out of bullets soon?!

There is the natural instinct that guides you when your decision making moments get clouded. It is the hunch, it is that feeling. That urge. That tick. That voice. Most importantly, that surge of confidence.

One thing's for sure. I don't want to regret the things I do. So I make sure I put in my 100%. And today's soccer fix wasn't my 100%. BAH.

Kill Time in a Civilised Way

About 2 years ago, my feet won't touch the ground.

A year later, I was knee deep in something.

This time around, I plan to walk on water.

Of the things to come, it is hard to give up the ways of the old. In fact, I am culturally acceptable of this culture. So it makes it hard to kick this 'habit'. You know what they say right? When in Rome, do as the Romans do. There is no glory to be had if you oppose this currents. Truthfully speaking the only glory you might be able to find is when the currents go your way. But then again, this business is not about glory. It's about value and meaning. More importantly for me, it's about worth.

Then again, we should start running.

I want to lay back on the haystack. But I can't find one. So instead, I lay back in words. I sink deep into much of literature. By no means is this an enrichment for the mind, more of my natural response to kill time in a civilised way. Ironically, I have a book that seems to be months into my reading. It just doesn't click well with what I do nowadays. Today is about fighting for your mind. Finding meaning and value and worth and your place in that society. Tipping Point is about epidemics, the look of spread of ideas. I hate it when I force myself to read. It's like forcing myself to pee into a cup. Bah.

Recently, I have a marred perception of the people around me. Just that, everyone is complaining nowadays. What the flying ferrets is this? Look, I will hear you out. I will make sure that I will hear your every words. But if you keep on complaining day in and day out, I don't think it works best for you. The problem will still be there. I am complaining about the complains. Ironic.

Maybe it is closer to whining but I always associate that to kids. And maybe a particular junior I have in my club.

Here's my advise. Stop complaining. Start fixing. Though you can be assured that even if I feel mortally disgusted by your words of an auntie who didn't get her way when she was queueing for a discount, I will still hear you out. Why? I know how it feels when you are not listened, it's a lonely World.

Can I tell you something? For the love of cats, dogs and all the living things in the World, don't give up. If you do, I hate you for not loving cats and dogs and all the living things in the World.

The Art of Flight and Fright

Sometimes you just get the better of yourselves. Really. One day, you remind yourselves of the duties and the services for the betterment of your cause and another day, you just lose it and blame the whole world. Honestly, I’ve stared down that path. And honestly, we need less of these people.

We need highly motivated people for the right stuff. No time for time wasters, no time for nays, no time for losers, no time for sucker. Real work needs real dedicated people. So that’s why when a man so passionate for his cause comes by, we become so mesmerised by his presence. We get hooked on his smell of success that inhibits our soft skulls.

And that’s good because it now motivates us to do something. Unfortunately, we do things for the wrong reasons. After digging our toes into this quest, we realised that the path a motivated one took is much more harder than it seems. We tremble and we kinda give up. Boohoo.

So that’s why we have this problem; We get the better of ourselves. It’s not due to our flamboyance when we are defined of success but it’s because we can’t reach the top. We get cranky. We blame the whole world.

And so I say, for the love of God, do with reason.

There are just too many people giving up these days. No shit.

The Daily Riles

Fellas, it has been 2 months. It has been 8 weeks. It has been 54 days. It has been one hell of a ride. And guess what, I AM STILL IN ONE PIECE. Police National Service is doing good for now. Thought I did draw some comparisons from the nearby company that hosts regular officers. Or as one of my good buddies put it, "The ones who are courageous enough to sell their soul, to the DEVIL." Courage? Maybe. Just maybe.

Training is simple yet effective enough for me to lose 4 waist sizes down. The lack of sleep did definitely help somehow. I just got this feeling that the training is just not enough. Obviously everyone loves to have a toned and well built body. So when NS came by, I had the idea that we would return to society in 2 years with the body of what media deem fit. I just expect too much huh?

Maybe it could just be that I'm still 'sour' from my mono-intake enlistment. You can't simply regret getting enlisted into Police. It's equivalent to striking big in a casino. But maybe, it could be the joke? For me though, I'd rather have a go for Army. It's like a ritual you see. So many stories of Army all around you, one definitely just have to get the rift of it. I've been so put through the NS 'publicity', under the impression that NS equates to Army. Oh why not? All the pre-NS talk were all about Army. Little did I know that Police was my fate.

I don't regret my assignment here. But I do recognise what a missed opportunity it is to not be in Army. Imagine the conversations of the times in the mud, the sergeant who is more of an ass, and the laughs of some dodo in the platoon. Memories, that I will never make.

Food just received a major upgrade. As I put it in tweet, the food transformed from prison to near-hotel grade. Now, who wouldn't think this as a chalet now huh?! And this drew some discussions on whether the quality would sustain for the coming months. It's like how we always dress our best for the best day of work. But as days become weeks become months, out perfectly ironed shirt is substituted to a New Balance dri-fit shirt you got from a race you slept through. Now now, where is your pride in your work?

"Make it worth, Zul." -Lasting words from a great friend.

True, 2 years is long, so make it worth. If you are going to just be sad all day because you don't like what you are given, then, I'm not gonna hang around you. Your negativity vibes is a killer. I want to surround myself with good people. Crying all day won't make it worth your 2 years. Doing what you don't want to is also not going to make it worth your 2 years. But can we at least try?

You can take this NS as an experience to be part of the government workhorse agency. You can try to be fitter and get into a Jason-Bourne-isque assignment/vocation. You can sharpen your leadership skills. And my favourite, you can have just loads of fun in NS.

The world is following a formula of 'success': Study assiduously, chase the big bucks, become "mortgage slaves," quickly get married, and have a kid.

Really guys?

Where are these in us?

We have a fighter in our midst. This fighter will never give up. This fighter will never stop rising. This fighter will be forever. So I'm booking in later at 6. I really can't wait for another week. All because I am looking forward to another 5 days of mind games with my superiors. These 5 days will also be another test for me to gather ideas, thoughts and emotions that are around me, organise and lay it all out. After all, there are more than just words.

Stalking is a reality. Facebook is really scary. With a few punches of the keys, I could track down one of my superiors. Surreal. That man where I revered as a model of leadership has a human side. I respect him for his actions are impactful. They don't lack reasoning or purpose. But what makes his actions stand out is how it strikes in my mind. Well, if you have another superior who seems to have made doubtful actions from his incomplete ideas, then the comparison seems more of unfair. His leadership model represents what a learnt and hardworking person can do with leadership knowledge. Remember, a leader gathers followers. A strong leader doesn't need to gather.

One of my superiors has a character that confuses me. It's his basis of teachings that makes this whole NS experience different. He wants to reveal true colours of our reality. These intentions makes him a great teacher of truth. However, he locks down on the selfishness of society that contradicts his ideals of a team. A team is a group of people that work and unselfishly serves together. But the reality, that he is touting, is that everyone do not want to be a team. The thought of disapproval and discomfort scares them. He wants us to realise that this society is selfish and is out to get you. We did. We also realised how reality needs to change from being selfishly individualistic to single-selfishly serving together as one. We have to be selfish, for the right reasons.

I serve my country. They serve because they have to. This alone should give you something about the class segregations. When you are rich, you have paper to spend. And you start to think on what to spend on. Opportunities come abound for you and the cycle continues. Your priority grows to supply the root of this thought process; Money. When you are poor, you go through the same process, it's just that your priority is to live to the next day.

The rich are already rich and they want to stay that way. The poor are poorly living and they want to survive. The middle, neither rich or poor, want to be rich and want to survive. The rich and poor fight a war each. And all of a sudden, we have to fight 2 wars.

Of paper money, qualifications and what not, we have ideas on what to be in the future. Our values and beliefs guide us in this. What if you don't have ideas of the future. What if your war is not to become richer or to survive or both? What if you have no war?

That is me. What I am missing has been replaced by something people loathe; My future is to serve my country well, in these 2 years that is. I asked my squad mates if you are WILLING to DIE for our country, they are taken aback like as if it is something alien. They are not but I am. Make no mistake, I am not serving blindly. I have realised the bigger and better opportunities outside. But I just have not come across them just as yet. I am sure, when I am presented with those opportunities, I would have the same alien mindset towards patriotic death. I am thankful I did not delve down this path that almost everyone else has stepped on. This presents me the chance to see in a whole new perspective.

Recently, I pose myself with questioning my worthiness. And since my schedule allows me to ponder into my abyss mind with great amount of time, so I task myself during the next 5 days.

Values. Beliefs. Worth. Where are these in us?

Iron sights.

I got this off from a friend.

Remembering Worth and Meaning.

Say you found the meaning of life for a price. Will you be satisfied to trade it for something, something as intangible, the worth of life?

I don't really like how things are going but I will persevere. It does suck to know there seems to be no one out there to talk but that's the harsh reality of life. He says suck your thumb while you're at it. They say take it a cup half full. I say fuck critics. This is war that I define myself, I fight my own war. I fight my own war alone.  

Tonight you sleep in comfort that tomorrow your friends and family are still there. But be ready. Tomorrow might be otherwise. Are you ready to serve without fear or favour? Can you suppress the common emotions that follow and oppress them? Are you willing to strike in a moment's notice? Will you be able to commit even if your heart defies as much to the words that you have heard?  

Are you ready? 

 It's funny how things turn out these days. WELL then, time waits for no one.

4 weeks into this 'training programme', body looks sharp but the mind is faking out. Never dreaded the fact that I am not doing something I really want. Just kept reminding that this is a need. What I dread was to to keep constantly changing myself. Always love to be simple about things around me because to me, it is the simplest things that make life worth it.

Went out last night, came home late and just wondered how long I could last. Better still, I wondered when it's time to be 6 feet under. I'm not being pessimistic or anything. I just am a realist. And as a realist, it's my fucking duty to be a reality check.

What is your worth?

Posed that question more than a year back. I wrote it on my whiteboard and left it facing the glass window of the clubhouse. Thinking it was just a good reminder to those passersby who, well, is just passing life away. I just wanted to open eyes and minds. To my surprise, someone actually wrote a reply and slipped under the door. The answer slipped my mind but it went something like this, "I guess my life is worthless. Wouldn't you agree?"

I remember my response to it, "Why can't you make it worth?"

I know friends who just simply find this NS hoohaa a huge complete waste of time. Their argument is valid. That 2 years of their time could be make or break. Their studies, work, life. But what I don't understand is why can't they understand the need. Yeah, the fact that it puts a fork in our road kinda devalues the meaning. But still, that is still something to look at. I am not deterred by this. I want to talk about something else. These people have a future that they want to create. They are staying hungry, staying foolish. It seems that they found their worth. And that their worth is not of NS.

Why, why can't you make that your worth for these 2 years?

Being selfish again eh? Thankfully, war has no selfish rule. Whatever badges, insignia or flag your don on that green, it only matters where your bullets are flying. In the right direction I hope.

Titanium Effort.

"Jonan was saying that working and military service is different. I say, my attitude to both is not; Always 100%

And I do give 110% in some occasions. To you. "

Devices of Learning.

I am not allowing them to change me. The way they do things become something so inhumane that it only seems easy to see that their objective is to turn us into robots. Though based on a model on fast discipline, it forgoes the culture element that makes us human. Imagine this, a mother constantly hurts a child on the arm whenever that child nears the electrical socket. As time passes, the child will not move any inch closer to that socket. Easy enough?

The thing is, the child fears the pain, not the electrical socket. The intention was to prevent any danger, hurt. It is a solid intention, to be safe. But then, this learning model uses a device of pain. Another device it uses is the vagueness of information that is being relayed to the parties. Basically, the less they know, the less they think, the more they focus on the results. As an added touch, the final device represents the parties' agreement to submit fully, or in full consent. However, most of the times, the fear that strikes them ensures full consent is present. So much for first impressions huh?

Think with purpose, act with reason.

The things I hate the most is people shouting. What's worse is people shouting at me without reason. Or so it seems. The fact that information is always being withdrawn means you can't link why a big built man is shouting at you with you in push up position. It doesn't makes sense. What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why must he shout at me? Why can't I do that?

Being raised by 2 cultures, I am a mixed bag of beans. Questions constantly abound in my head relating to morals, values and religion. Even with the lack of answers, it taught me one thing, prudent in actions. I never do things without a reason. I never think without a meaning.

Being far from the Truth.

But the truth is, we are here to serve the Nation. Defend our shores, protect lives, uphold community values and be rooted in the heart of a country in the midst of conflicts that surround us. That's the truth. And still, I see our bodies there but not our hearts and minds.

I choose to serve. I choose to die for my nation. Did you?

That's why I am putting my very best foot forward. I can't wait to book out and I can't wait to book in. I want to sweat. I want to feel pain. I want to make my body feel better. I want it. Some call me crazy, allowing 2 years of my life to be spent so carelessly like so. But I don't think so. I found a meaning for something so many feel like a waste. This is because I realised the truth and that, made me find a reason to move forward.

The truth eludes us because we fail to realise the need for it. We do as we are told and we become soul-less humans. We are might as well considered mercenaries.

110%

Giving it all out is the bare minimum. Only when you love what you do, you eat, sleep, shit your work, then, that's the 110%.

I am giving Police my 100%. I am giving her my 110%. Get that fact straight.