Titanium Effort.

"Jonan was saying that working and military service is different. I say, my attitude to both is not; Always 100%

And I do give 110% in some occasions. To you. "

Devices of Learning.

I am not allowing them to change me. The way they do things become something so inhumane that it only seems easy to see that their objective is to turn us into robots. Though based on a model on fast discipline, it forgoes the culture element that makes us human. Imagine this, a mother constantly hurts a child on the arm whenever that child nears the electrical socket. As time passes, the child will not move any inch closer to that socket. Easy enough?

The thing is, the child fears the pain, not the electrical socket. The intention was to prevent any danger, hurt. It is a solid intention, to be safe. But then, this learning model uses a device of pain. Another device it uses is the vagueness of information that is being relayed to the parties. Basically, the less they know, the less they think, the more they focus on the results. As an added touch, the final device represents the parties' agreement to submit fully, or in full consent. However, most of the times, the fear that strikes them ensures full consent is present. So much for first impressions huh?

Think with purpose, act with reason.

The things I hate the most is people shouting. What's worse is people shouting at me without reason. Or so it seems. The fact that information is always being withdrawn means you can't link why a big built man is shouting at you with you in push up position. It doesn't makes sense. What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why must he shout at me? Why can't I do that?

Being raised by 2 cultures, I am a mixed bag of beans. Questions constantly abound in my head relating to morals, values and religion. Even with the lack of answers, it taught me one thing, prudent in actions. I never do things without a reason. I never think without a meaning.

Being far from the Truth.

But the truth is, we are here to serve the Nation. Defend our shores, protect lives, uphold community values and be rooted in the heart of a country in the midst of conflicts that surround us. That's the truth. And still, I see our bodies there but not our hearts and minds.

I choose to serve. I choose to die for my nation. Did you?

That's why I am putting my very best foot forward. I can't wait to book out and I can't wait to book in. I want to sweat. I want to feel pain. I want to make my body feel better. I want it. Some call me crazy, allowing 2 years of my life to be spent so carelessly like so. But I don't think so. I found a meaning for something so many feel like a waste. This is because I realised the truth and that, made me find a reason to move forward.

The truth eludes us because we fail to realise the need for it. We do as we are told and we become soul-less humans. We are might as well considered mercenaries.

110%

Giving it all out is the bare minimum. Only when you love what you do, you eat, sleep, shit your work, then, that's the 110%.

I am giving Police my 100%. I am giving her my 110%. Get that fact straight.

Smile Like You Mean It

And so, it is tomorrow huh? I'm enlisting into Police for the next 2 years so expect me to be less human and more robot. Oh wait, that the Army. LOL. It will be fun. It should be. I mean, I've been waiting to move on for so... frigging... long... So yeah. Finally, it's today! So as my parting piece of literature today, I say, "Hope for the best, expect the worst. People depend on you still, but do know, you can't depend on others."

Pretty rad huh?

Yeah, I just can't seem to depend on people nowadays. They seem to betray you every single fucking time. I always thought it would be a win-win situation. But I think wrongly sometimes. So last night, I watched my hopes go away. But thankfully, I got myself covered. Probably because I got a strong 3G connection. Mostly because, I saw it coming. And I knew what to do next. Despite so much learning, I still made that. But I sleep tonight knowing it was worth the shot. 2 hours in, it's this time where I realised that maybe, just maybe, I was designed, developed and created to be solitary. So that I can absorb what is around me instead of to be engrossed in what is in front of me.

At this stage, is it even worth not losing them? Beats me.

Oh yeah, Twitter updates through SMS. That got me excited. Few days back, a senior of mind passed some tips of surviving in NS. 1) Don't jump the gun. Chin high up but don't look down on others. 2) Respect the Service. Serve for the Nation. Meet the needs for the Service. 3) Try. You will never regret if you tried. Hard and fast. But can I add in mine? Think with purpose, act with reason.

Speaking of acting, I was asked about the worth of things. Sprouting from a conversation if I would rush for a closing MRT door, he was puzzled why we fear the dangers.

"I would have ran. But I didn't because it's a rule. A rule to keep me safe." 

"So you fear the rule?" 

"No no, I fear the dangers." 

"Consider that MRT door closing is like a chance in life, would you miss that chance in life?" 

"Let's see, is it worth your feet? Say I can give you 10 seconds of that time you rushed for the door. But in exchange, you give me your feet as a consequence of the foot snapping your feet off. Is it worth it?"

"... No"

"Yeah. What's the worth?" 

What's the worth? I can safely say that whatever that is on the train or whatever that needs you to not miss that train, if that whatever is worth losing your feet, than it is worth it.

At the end of the day, we all go 6 feet under. So stop confusing the shit out of me and help me so that I can help you. I just want to see you, all of you, smile. Smile like you mean it. 

"But then, there are some of us that grew up to be neither here nor there, being in the middle. That sucks. You have no solid ground. You have nothing to grab on. Because all in your head is that you got alive alone, and you will die alone.

Not faceless. Not a scum. Just not even human."

This could be an amusing piece.

"I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right."

I ran twice yesterday. Okay, maybe 1 and a half. But to get a running fix after a month of immobility, it's just surreal. I thought my body would break before I even finish my routes. So much for faith yeah? Nonetheless, I was handed the punishment of running more than what my body can take, aches. Woke this morning with almost both of my legs frozen. Though unnerving, I had a slight smile. All I know, from these pain, is that I am still alive.

Right after my second run, with a friend, I just had an epiphany. Most of the times, I release that leash I had on my mind when I have trusted surroundings. While many times the mind churns our utter bullshit, it did had numerous times unveil some jaw-droppers. So yesterday, it just had one added to its tally.

I figured it all out. Everything. And I didn't like it. WELL THEN, sucks to be me huh?

On my last day of work, a close colleague of mine was talking about how he is going to go to his best friend's place and just lepak there. I remembered that he had mentioned that he went to play his console games at his place last week. So I told him you seem to hang a lot with him! "Best friend what. You don't do that with your best friend meh?" "Nope. I don't have one."

Stunned. He asks, "No. You must have one person you hang out always." "Yeah, but if you put it that way, then everyone in my best friend. Other than that, I have none.", I replied. "I'm sure there's one person you would one to call when things are shit." "Hmm... Nope. I've never thought of calling anyone when things are in shit. I just thought it all out.", I answered.

Let's break this down with 3 things:

First, I might be strong willed in life. Constantly progressing on. However, I might be an antisocial son of a gun. Prioritising work before relationships. My time is dedicated to progress and less time on these friendships and thus, less time to talk about shit things.
Second, this could be a pursuit of perfection. Some calls it the quest to be idolised, to be framed, to be remembered. Imagine a perfect self, so pure, so sought for. And then again, I might have confidence issues that stem from a fear of showing weakness. (Since sharing your difficulties might be regarded as a sign of weakness.)
Third, I just show no bias, regarding every friendship as important. This can easily mean the lack of culture, the link that defines your humanity. You might as well be called a robot.

Put it simply guys, I just have not found that best friend yet. But that doesn't mean that I am going to search the globe and find. I became optimistic. Everyone I know will be important. No matter what. It might be impossible, and something's gotta give. So I think, let it be me.

Do you know how it feels when someone has much faith in you, when someone has much hope in you, when someone has much belief in you? It feels tremendous. And do you know how it feels when someone has lost faith, hope and belief in you? I can only pray you don't have to experience that.

I think I found it recently. But everyone is saying otherwise. I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right.