"But then, there are some of us that grew up to be neither here nor there, being in the middle. That sucks. You have no solid ground. You have nothing to grab on. Because all in your head is that you got alive alone, and you will die alone.

Not faceless. Not a scum. Just not even human."

This could be an amusing piece.

"I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right."

I ran twice yesterday. Okay, maybe 1 and a half. But to get a running fix after a month of immobility, it's just surreal. I thought my body would break before I even finish my routes. So much for faith yeah? Nonetheless, I was handed the punishment of running more than what my body can take, aches. Woke this morning with almost both of my legs frozen. Though unnerving, I had a slight smile. All I know, from these pain, is that I am still alive.

Right after my second run, with a friend, I just had an epiphany. Most of the times, I release that leash I had on my mind when I have trusted surroundings. While many times the mind churns our utter bullshit, it did had numerous times unveil some jaw-droppers. So yesterday, it just had one added to its tally.

I figured it all out. Everything. And I didn't like it. WELL THEN, sucks to be me huh?

On my last day of work, a close colleague of mine was talking about how he is going to go to his best friend's place and just lepak there. I remembered that he had mentioned that he went to play his console games at his place last week. So I told him you seem to hang a lot with him! "Best friend what. You don't do that with your best friend meh?" "Nope. I don't have one."

Stunned. He asks, "No. You must have one person you hang out always." "Yeah, but if you put it that way, then everyone in my best friend. Other than that, I have none.", I replied. "I'm sure there's one person you would one to call when things are shit." "Hmm... Nope. I've never thought of calling anyone when things are in shit. I just thought it all out.", I answered.

Let's break this down with 3 things:

First, I might be strong willed in life. Constantly progressing on. However, I might be an antisocial son of a gun. Prioritising work before relationships. My time is dedicated to progress and less time on these friendships and thus, less time to talk about shit things.
Second, this could be a pursuit of perfection. Some calls it the quest to be idolised, to be framed, to be remembered. Imagine a perfect self, so pure, so sought for. And then again, I might have confidence issues that stem from a fear of showing weakness. (Since sharing your difficulties might be regarded as a sign of weakness.)
Third, I just show no bias, regarding every friendship as important. This can easily mean the lack of culture, the link that defines your humanity. You might as well be called a robot.

Put it simply guys, I just have not found that best friend yet. But that doesn't mean that I am going to search the globe and find. I became optimistic. Everyone I know will be important. No matter what. It might be impossible, and something's gotta give. So I think, let it be me.

Do you know how it feels when someone has much faith in you, when someone has much hope in you, when someone has much belief in you? It feels tremendous. And do you know how it feels when someone has lost faith, hope and belief in you? I can only pray you don't have to experience that.

I think I found it recently. But everyone is saying otherwise. I hope they are wrong, but I'm not expecting myself to be right.

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it

I don't believe it makes me real

I thought it'd be easy but no one believes me

I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy

But nothing can save me

But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own, on my own

I tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It's hard to believe me it never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it wouldn't show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

Making Teachers Great Pt2

Previously as a part series of How To Make Teachers Great (Link)
Check out the series here! (Link)

The TED Talk video mentioned 2 things that grabbed my attention. First, how the World viewed or prioritise issues. For example, in the video, more research is put into balding in the US then Malaria vaccines. This shouldn't be a surprising result of the shift of focus. Malaria is controlled in US and it doesn't seem natural for the government to continue research when something is already 'solved'.

But the harsh fact that they, and we, ignore is that Malaria is still not cured. Poorer countries are still having Malaria infections in a large scale basis. They do not have the freedom to research and find a cure because they are not rich. Resources are not as freely accessed as opposed to richer, well to do neighbours. So that is why the rich has a 'control' on what gets solved.

One side note that I just thought is how time plays a part in problem solving. Things evolve and fall a part: Diseases morph to become resistant to vaccines, carriers change behaviour, vaccines get outdated. When a problem is tackled swiftly and efficiently, there is a tipping point where the problem just shrinks and becomes another controlled variable. Effectively, it becomes solved. Another issue that couples the rich and poor dilemma is with only limited to no access to resources, poorer countries take a longer time to solve problems.

The second item that really got me thinking is how Bill Gates related feedback as a way to become great. I resonate with him that only when we know that we are doing the wrong things that we enable the opportunity for us to learn mistakes and correct ourselves. We ENABLE it. Whether we choose to learn or correct is another issue on decision making.

And let's look at how our body function. When our body senses pain, it sends signals to our brain and we direct our attention to the pain. Naturally, we will move our body away from the source of pain to cease the act of pain. Feedback is evident here. When the signals are being sent, our body feedbacks to us and we act accordingly.

SO! What is the state of teaching that we have in Singapore? I suggest we stop referring this as another industry. It is not some other business avenue. In fact, if we do look at it that way, it shares the same concept with prostitution. We are paying people to service another human. Teaching nowadays seems heavily capitalised. People look it as a career, with the salary in mind.

Thankfully, when you have passionate people, 9 out of 10 times, they are really, really good. Why? Experience. No matter if they took 5, 10, 15 years to be of a standard we define as good, they have solid experience that goes a long way. And from what I've studied so far, you can't replicate experience. It's like cloning a sheep. It's identical, but fake.

What about sustainability? Obviously, you would want to keep them for as long as they can. So we got this money paying system called le salary to quantify the rewards of teaching. Screw that will you? Your rewards are the smiles on the kids' faces. In fact, that is all you need. Do it for free.

Have you forgotten? You really REALLY know what you love and passionate about when you would do that for free.

I would, will. I would come back to Leo Club for free. I would help Singapore Red Cross without a price tag. I would help because it's not about getting karma points or gaining hours for a scholarship application. I just want to help. Don't you?

Here's a business idea!

Here's a business idea...

Twitter is for thoughts of ideas that are short enough to be posted. 140 characters to be exact.

A blog is for a literature of ideas that possess a flow which normally lives in a form of a story. It should be long. Way longer than 140 characters.

SO! We should have something that is in between. Like this post. Too long for Twitter, too short for a blog.

Or maybe, there should be just be a short blog post.

This Profound Fondness of Being Alone

I recorded this a few days back. I just had to write.

--

Today I felt bad. I have a friend that I met at the bus stop. He is partially deaf. But he can still converse normally but it is pretty hard for him. And knowing that, when our bus came, I told him that I needed to wait for a friend. And so he took the bus alone. Now I ask, why do I have this understanding that just because he is partially deaf, that I can't speak with him? What has lessons in HI Club got you? Aren't you suppose to be able to communicate with them?!

That just puzzled me. That's why in that morning, I felt a tad bit off. This was the last thing that I would be expecting from a member of a COMMUNITY SERVICE CLUB. Bleagh. I just can't grasp my decision making at that point of time. It seemed… stupid.

When I was going home, I noticed one of my TCP in-charge at the bus stop. I just had this simple eerie feeling that he was waiting for the same bus as me. And that just made me kinda turn away. Somewhere in the chasms of my flesh and bones, a sick feeling emerged when I know I had to hold a conversation.

Why? He's just your former teacher in-charge. Why can't you talk to him? I mean, you had not talked to him for pretty long. Maybe it could be a good catch up session?

I chose to sit out.

As my bus came, he inched closer to the curb. Ahh, shucks. He's taking the same bus as me. I carefully rode the mass of random crowd, making sure I board the bus behind him. Seeing it as a double deck, there are only 2 possibilities. A, he takes the upper deck which I will take the lower one and stand. B, he takes the lower deck and since I am behind, I will be able to slip up to the upper deck. Provided it has spaces that is.

Thinking back, I can't believe I thought so much.

In the end, I did not talk to him. He boarded first and took the upper deck. As I boarded, I asked if it was a good idea to wait for the next bus. I was frantically refreshing iRIS on my left hand. I told myself, "Heck it. Just talk." Which evidently didn't happen.

I do not know why but I seem to have this profound fondness of being alone.

Mind > Body?

I like how the body betrays the mind. His disgusting mannerism to give up and flag a white cloth when things seem too hard. Or is it?

Maybe it's the mind. Maybe the mind is too stubborn. Too demanding. Too stupid. He likes to push things. He likes to be better. He likes to be where the body can't go. Maybe that is disturbing.

Look at it again. The relentless requests that now seems to be 'far fetched'. When will it be enough? Or when will there be enough blood?

Finally, the roles are reversed. The mind betrays the body. If so, what will happen to the heart?

Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves, whether the things in front of us are in fact, things that are really in front of us.