Disheartened.

I feel disheartened tonight. But I have a voice in my head, that tells me to pick myself up.

In my weakest form, I long just to be stronger. That's all.

The only way is, up.

Fences by Phoenix.

I used to have a lot of time to myself. Though the days' hours don't differ, it just feels that I don't have much time as compared previously. Maybe perhaps, in the past, I gave myself more time.

The commute took an hour of myself every morning. It was an hour I dedicate myself to music and self questioning. Today, that commute simply takes half. So does this mean I am performing t half of myself?

Numbers aside, my senior asked about my financial status. He noticed how I seem to share plenty of stories of me spending my time after work in the company of Starbucks, fast food, zalora.com (Haha) and gyming. I can't really argue that this is the lavish life one normally perceives.

I simply told him, "Yes, I am rich. And so are you. For me, a thousand dollars in my savings or even 10 bucks in my wallet makes me happy." Yeah, I might seem to be spending more than ever but I always believe that I should be doing what I love most. I love being simple. I love all these small simple things.

But I should agree ultimately that money doesn't grow on trees. But my spending seems to be burning trees.

Part of me went missing a few days back. I had hardly enough energy to get myself out of bed and carry the darn weights. So I didn't. It seems that I might be missing something. Like I lost something. So what did I lose?

Well, I lost my words.

I wanted to express my desire, my thoughts, my heart, my freedom, my hatred and my love, but I didn't have the words. Weird isn't it?

Normally I would tell myself to get myself busy. But busy with what? All these while, for 3 years and counting, that feeling returned.

Jaded.

Ghost.

Waiting for the command-in, we were crouched behind a wooden tabletop. It was not an ideal place to be caught in a firefight so the command-in has to be radioed now or never. After anticipating patiently with rivers of sweat down our faces, the words filled our ear drums. Overjoyed, truly.

"TEAM, GO GHOST."

I still remember that night. This is not training. This in not an exercise. This is real. The senses can't fail me now. The mind can't flinch right here now. The heart can't lose itself. Simply surreal.

Oh yeah. Uhm, pretty rad for me now. I've gotten myself back on track. Or maybe the Red Bulls were assisting me. I know it has been a uphill battle to keep this space updated with as much of material. Believe me, adapting has never been this versatile. I am going full steam ahead. I am heading strong.

Then again, I've got a gaziliion tasks to do. Read up 7 books is my number 1 guilt brought over from last months. Gotta really work it out. Dang. And then the case of the fatty build-up of my midsection. That is truly a cause for concern. And then the reports. I don't even know if I should do this now. Is it even worth it now?

Have faith. That's all I request from myself. And then, I'll just do it.

Sinking my senses into Nine Inch Nails' Ghost I-IV. It is making my body jiggle a bit. It's also making my mind in tip top shape. It's a great album to waste these time in. Put this as a spa session for my mind. Classic treatment for an ever hardworking fella.

In the mean time, a lavatory shall be my next pit stop!