"Maybe I'm just tired."

Greatest lie ever made. Weakness is a solemn way of the body, the mind or the heart indicating its nearing to breaking point. Some say when pain is felt, its weakness that is leaving. But does it really matter?

Get things done. The number one rule that we have to follow: Do with purpose. Think with reason. And without this rule, how could you move along?

So today, no stories. I just want to spend these times with something I found to be real.

Cheap and Nasty Fakes.

I am selfish. I am unkind. I am ruthless. I am me.

Spent the day well but ended in a whammer mood. Just did not expect these things to happen so suddenly. Work aside, I guess the worst of all was that I had a feeling of loathe so much.

How could one be so carefree on something so morally affecting? This is not about playing God. It's toying as God. That's fucking sick. You hover over the lines as though there were none at all. I guess the most radical thing I find is how unmoved one is about such matter. It makes you weak. I just displays your uncertainty. It suggests your cowardice.

I shall not hide the fact that I myself am not being a role model. But I just can't believe that our selfishness is this sickening. It's fucking sick.

We are such cheap and nasty fakes.

Burdens.

A burden resides. It transformed from a want to a need. It becomes to another responsibility and finally, it is a burden. A burden to become better. A burden to get the best. A burden of expectations. A burden to become. A burden to breathe. A burden to live.

Now, it's not that simple to live.

So we have come this far. We have reached. But the question is, did we get what we wanted? And the best time to look into that mirror is no other time but now. There's no later. There is no tomorrow. Graduation season kicks in for polytechnic students. 3 years passes fast. Perhaps time passes way too fast?

As I made myself comfortable in that seat, with the certificates in my hand, with the red scroll, with smiles all around, I found myself hearing the words from the master of ceremony that I had hoped for at the start of my diploma studies. But today, those words did not belong to me. They belong to them.

Man. It sucks, big time. It's at this stage, a feeling crept back. A feeling of disgust, irony, sadness and solemness. I should be there standing.

Did I work hard enough? Was I smart enough? Was I determined enough? Was I good enough? Did I try hard enough? Maybe if I tried harder, maybe if I was better, maybe if it this or that never happened. Maybe, is just maybe. And that was just enough for me to just shut my self-destructing mind.

I puffed my chest. I clapped hard. I got my smile back.

Some say, it's over and there is no use to cry over spilt milk. Some say, forward is the only way. Some say, when life is full of lemons, lemonade is the way it is. At this point, the valedictorian was speaking. She spoke with the exact excitement as one. She's beautiful. My phone received a text.

"Eh, you're not speaking?"

I replied, "Haha. Yeah. Nope. Didn't put in enough to become one."

Moments later, "Well, must try harder! Haha. You're not the valedictorian type anyway."

That made me smile wider. Not because of how it was just funny or how his sarcasm just made my day. It was not the nature of it. It has the real true meaning of life. It would be easier if I believed in destiny or fate. But here's the fact of life. If you're not made for it, you will not be it. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

You can't be all of everything. You are just you.

thinking and doing.

Some people fall in love and live. Some people fall in love and get quicksand.

And I get all these ideas from someone?

I'm in school doing some thing I shouldn't be. Basically, studying that is. Got some books on batteries and started understanding how they worked. It's a pretty good read. But here lies a little problem, I get bored way too easy. WAY TOO EASY. Just looking at my list of posts, I have about 3 incomplete posts in draft. That just goes to show how unfocused I am.

OH WELL. The last few days have been rough. But as how I have lived by so far, if I survived yesterday, I will survive today. On Monday, I completed my move to an adult world by passing a great opportunity to work with one of the largest multi-national companies in the world. I just simply passed it.

I questioned my motives, like always. It seemed so fucking surreal that I am doing such things. To think 3 years back, I would not have imagined my luck and would just say yes. Oh, now I get it. It makes sense now.

Being opportunistic, is the discipline to say no. It's not the ability to agree to everything and balance it all out in 24 hours of a life. I did that 3 years back. And it felt fake. It did not feel rewarding. How can one still be lost when he's receiving all the extraordinary chances?! Scholarship. Country representation. Management experience. Those make a good portfolio. A fucking good one.

On a long enough timeline, one's survivability rate drops to zero. And on this timeline, I became ingenuine in my work. Days grew longer and harder. All these chances weren't making me better. They made me a slave of my own expectations.

So I said no to a good job because I did not want to do fake work. I can't code much anyway. And I knew that I was not ready to change myself. Though we trained ourselves to be better, faster, efficient machines, we are still humans. Humans can't be machines, we make mistakes. Even machines make mistakes.

Don't confuse it with one's failure to adapt. We have to recognise that the only constant is change but when things are not right, you feel it. When you decide to adapt to that change rather then reject it, is the stage where you accept that uneasy feeling. It may make you an asset to a company to do whatever that comes your way but to me, it's not worth it.

Like in the adult world, there is a time where you are unemployed. That's my time now.

Be it the inability to adapt, stupid decisions or just bad luck, you have to make sure that you are thinking with reason and doing with purpose. Else, you might as well be dead.

Reality Check.

When you are earning money, all of a sudden, taking the cab seems to be an okay idea. Back in my bus concession days, I would go to extra lengths just to take a bus. Even if the urgency warrants a taxi ride, I wouldn't.

Weird huh? Just to save that extra cents or dollars perhaps.

I seem to not be the only person being so motivated by busses. The matter of fact is that I seem to accept the fact to be even later if I am late. I wouldn't take the whatever steps, be it necessary or not, to be urgent.  But I do feel guilty that is. It is a mindset that I WOULD NOT WANT my kids to follow. Being early is a definitely plus and the ability to be on time speaks golden of your skills to bend time. However, being late is just ugh.

It has become this unspoken code of conduct that being late is like being on trial for treachery. It sucks to be late. No shit. I become late most of the time. The unnatural feedback of the phenomena is how we, my group of friends, respond to the act of being late. They simply brushed it off. Now, that's just really weird.
 
I've had a great time today. It's wonderful to see those faces yet again. And it worries me again.

We start to talk about what we did and it just struck me, "Do I have something worthy to mention?". But that's not the real blow. I guess it is just the flow of thoughts on why I do not have something to talk about. That icky feeling that floats around. Then it dwells to why I am not doing the necessary steps to reach that goal.

Yeah, why not ah? But the thing is, is it a goal that I want?

It is a dangerous mindset to live by. That semi-ignorant feeling that failed to recognise the current needs and not take steps to solve or even salvage the situation. It is disgusting. It is the life of a worth-less.

Man, I got to take some time off.

The not so hearty part of HTHT (2)

Following rave reviews of my previous post (read: shameless), I guess I have to do a follow-up.

A friend asks, "You lonely? So lonely and depressed that you don't have a slightest chance of an opportunity to even talk to a person?! GEEZ, talk to yourself!"

Another points out, "Dude, people HTHT to let things go man! WTF is your problem? Let them be!"

And thankfully, not everyone in this world is a troll, "I don't think HTHT should be 'generalised' as an activity of thrill. There are people who do genuinely care and they would offer a listening ear even if it's out of their own expense. Just my 2 cents."

Okay, here's my response.

I don't like to label. The way I see about HTHT is that we are having an exclusive association for this. (read: psychology has a study on the effects of human behaviour when we have associations with physical and non-physical objects. blah blah blah...)

An example for exclusive associations would be how we respond to fear. Doesn't it make you ask yourself why people have phobias about spiders? And it's even weirder when you see the stats and ask, why do only a certain handful freak the smallest of spiders? Even more puzzling are facts on why is it so and how this fear comes about. Is it hard-wired into our brains? Can we change this wiring? Or even alter wiring to maybe perhaps fear something else?

That is exclusive association. My take of it that is. Essentially, HTHT should not be exclusively associated as a thrill seekers dose of living. Being natural, it is just another form of communication. But we have to agree that this communication is deeper and much more 'sacred'. I definitely agree. That is my first point.

2nd point; It pains me to see my friends just shrug away this simple conversation as a form of meh-responsibility. "Orh, he just talk to me like that lor." It is important to that person so much so that he is willing to divulge details of his life never shared to anyone and a selfish, annoying, pompous prick of you throw away such basic duty of human life. And that is to talk.

This brings my 3rd point. There are obviously some just to trigger happy about this. In fact, this was the main point that started me to write about HTHT. And I know a person. She is much so as it seems she living off HTHT. I mean, don't take me wrong. To want to hear people's agony. To lend a shoulder when the rain comes. To be strong enough for the fallen as a role model in their hard times. That's a lot of work and to 'volunteer' for it seems a spectacle.

But it just feels weird. It feels too fucking fake.

The takeaway for this is here: If you think that a HTHT session would solve people's problems and you think it's a way for them to cope. NO. Some people don't need to be talked. Some people see actions louder. But all of them, want someone there. Just there.

If you are really there, then you would know.

Ashes fall off.

TODAY, was special. I got scolded at first. Didn't see an oncoming rider and he practically road raged on me. And while that was bad enough, the bikes had overtimed by a whooping 2 hours. Burnt, not only my hole, but the others too of 10 bucks. And as if that's the lowest point, my printer went bazooooks on me began to tell me that the new ink I just installed can't be use. So much for reliable software? Oh yeah, gotta print a document by tomorrow morning.

But I am not disheartened. If the ones above me feel that this day needs to be even bad and make my parents mad at me, so be it. Because I feel blessed to be among a group so loveable. I tell you why.

I helped someone ride a bike! All in a day's work as who I am. First aided a dude who went elbow first on a head-on bike collision. I hope he's save. Cycled 2 bikes, which means that I am now 3 stars in kayaking terms. Lololol. Btw, 4 stars is biking hands-free. 5 is wheeling and if you can do that, 6 is a give away; Riding while hand standing. Wheeeoooowwww.

Today is blessed, because I got through it.

Have you ever gotten into a fight? Like a real fist fight? With clenched bloody fists meeting flesh and bone, without that amaturish kicks of course, with grapples and elbows and knees... Have you ever? Oh and btw, who kicks and bounces backwards? You gotta stay put man. Back to the fight, have you ever? Well, today I did. Wanted to feel alive again. Like that scene from Fight Club, where Tyler and 'Jack' starts whacking the nuts out. Like in first year, walking up the spiral staircase, thinking to myself that my life bores me, lets punch this kid on my right.

It feels good to fight the hell out. Irony isn't it? One feels mainly pain in a fight but when he walks out, as a victor or with a loss at hand, he feels liberated. That's why boxers, box. That's why heroes keep pressing a cause they believe. That's why we keep trying. Warriors.

Now now, where's that ashtray?