Missing a non-member.

"Not even a Normal Member. For now."

You're making it sound as though it's your fault. Really?

Firstly, it's alright to say no. Ever heard of free speech? Secondly, I admit, I wasn't that fond of your response and that when you were truly asking my peace of mind, I simply lied to elude you. Maybe that's where it went wrong, I thought it would make you feel better. Thirdly, it could have been a un-ordinary reaction that came from me. But I was braving myself. I can never simply look falter. Fourthly, now it seems, might be your wrong move. You said no, and you wanted me to act as though nothing ever happened. As though we turned back time. As though our memories got erased. As though, nothing ever happened.

We happened. And you said no.

So I can't go back to normal. People say I need time. People say it's the ordinary, aka normal, reaction. I say, it's my response, not reaction. I said yes. You said no. I wanted to give my very best and your didn't want any. And if you don't want, then, I find no reason to give any of my best. Because when you said no, you killed a part of me. You killed my reason of you.

A note to think of, some might say, that it's 'punishment'. GUYS, this is not first grade. I'm not some psycho-lunatic that treats every stranger ice-cream or fold plastic hearts for or make them laugh. I'm selfish, for the right people. And if the karma police was policing selfishness, I would get life imprisonment for you. For you. Like a stranger, you seem to me today.

Hopefully, there will be a GPS of life soon, pointing to the right direction. I'm taking time to stay focused at the tasks at hand. Will it be forever? No la. Can it be forever? Definitely not. It's like a lesson learnt you know. Or rather a club membership. Normal members get the basic opportunities to attend the events. Members-at-large are at the same level as a 'guest'. Only a fancier name. Active members get the chance to lead projects and eventually represent the club as part of Board management. 

It's a lesson learning.

But the truth is, I miss you.