I'm Lost.

I've somehow lost my direction. For the past weeks, I thought I was going in the right direction. But then, I just stopped moving and just lost faith.

It happened like so. I was helping out to paint something. And then she comes by and I just totally lost it. I might be blaming on the fact that I had little conversation topics with her. And not to forget my less than comfortable stuttering. [Strangely, it only happen around her.] I'm no fool. I just want her to be at her happiest. Never do I feel in any way to harm her. Never.

Maybe... maybe I was being a burden for her. In the light of my recent 'controversy', she might have gotten a word from my parent. So she just don't want to be responsible for me. I mean, in a way, I've caused her harm. Damn.

Maybe... maybe she just saw the flaws that I have made and I'm just not good enough for her. I really hate to visualize this because she's not this type of person. I think.

It's just that there this air of animosity that surrounds me whenever I see her. When I try to reach out to her, it blurs my vision and blocks my senses. Rendering me powerless, I can never say what that's need to be said. And here is where it snowballs to a huge problem. I've got to admit here, I write better than I talk, contrary to my on-stage performance huh?

I hope she reads my blog and maybe she can hear what I really want to say. So much guilt lays upon me.

Don't Save Me. Don't.

Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe
Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you're alive

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Until you give
Until you've used
Until you've lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?
Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my chance

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I'll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don't save me, don't save me, cuz I don't care
Don't save me, don't save me, cuz
I don't care

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me
I don't care

I'd Rather Kill Myself

In no way, no way at all, will I get her back. She doesn't think of me like she used too 2 years ago. And this worries me. This was the reason why I halted. I can't move on knowing that there's a hole in my heart. I don't like it that she won't be speaking the same way she did a long time. It was my fault anyway.

That's ehy I'd rather die.

Inside Out

I feel my flesh being ripped inside out, parting the bones that grew with it. Gasping for air, my heart reluctantly beats as it sees the end. The tears that roll down evaporates in the sun's merciless stares. Sometimes, I wish that I could take a sword and meet it with my heart. I just don't want to feel this uncertainty. I want freedom. But Of course, it come with a price. I will soon realize my destiny as I crumble under my own wrath. No. It was not her's to talk about. She meant no harm. In fact, it was I who caused harm. More reasons for them to hunt me down for justice. For everything that I have wronged, I will be punished. For that very least, grant me her happiness for my life.

I just want to make her smile.

No Emotions Please.

it's vital to express yourself. It is the only way you're going to tell others around you what you are. It is the first step of being yourself. I mean, would you live in a life of lies? However, sometimes, you shouldn't express yourself. Especially when you know that what you are sharing will hurt others. That's why I say to all you crying out there: No Emotions Please.

I am no supporter of communism. I am just thrilled that someone of such mind exists that is able to give a whole new meaning of unity. Generally, that ideology reinforces my fact to keep away emotions. Look at their rules: No freedom of speech. Oppositions killed. Everyone is same. Looking at Russia, where it was once in a abyss of civil unrest, it now stands as one of the greatest country. So are we, a one-man country, able to garner a better yield from our own version of communism?

But that's not my point. For all I care, you don't need to be a communist to become the best. Just keep your emotions in when you know it's going to hurt someone. Especially those around you. Remember that.

-OMC

It was a pleasure knowing you.

People people! Lay your eyes on me. Lend me your ears for only once. For today, is the day I dine in hell! [Spartans go!!!]

I've crossed the line. Jumped over a moat. Escaped the dangers. And defied gravity! I'm going down so DON'T FOLLOW ME!

Goodbye. It was a pleasure knowing you.

Unbelieveable.

I could have been a better student. I know some of you have been asking me. Oh why was I looking down and why ain't I doing my work. I would like to assure you that nothing is wrong guys. I'm pretty much ok here. There's not much change to the fact that I've become isolated or hostile or even evil. Don't worry, I'm ok.

I've got some people sink in curiosity because of this. I think it's normal since that I have been skipping classes and not doing my work. Geez, what happened to me? In any rate, skip or no skip, I don't care. Earlier this morning, a teacher approached me, questioning my doubted attitude. He offered his helping hand in whichever way he could. I appreciate that. Not many teachers are able to sum up any courage to do this. many feel that it's just a waste of time. Of course, I rejected his help. I say:

"Man is a foolish animal. He whose problems are started by him shall only be ended by him."

Pretty true if you ask me. I believe that if a problem is yours to keep. It's yours to stop it. Yeah, others may help out but it's your mind that determines what you do. And of course, that teacher, in no tone of hostility [He's quite good in delivering ideas in an effective way..], threatened me that IF I EVER SKIP CLASS, I WILL BE SEVERELY DEALT WITH. Man, where's the hostility?

Anyway, I'm is such a state of distress that I am even questioning my own motives. Why do I have to hate her? Why do I have to avoid her? Why does it have to be her? Why didn't I make it up to my expectations? Why am I not being perfect for her? I say:

"Man; Believes in no perfection for he is neither perfect."

Nah, too bad. I don't believe that. Perfection is impossible in the eyes of no possibilities. When there's a will, there's a way. ENOUGH CRAP. So should I skip class next Mon? Err, I don't know man. Is it worth it? Why am I skipping again? Err.. not only that right?

Oh wait, I'm just distracted.

:(

Lost some stuff..

I came back from school, hoping my stationary would sit comfortably on the table top. Now that's not true, I asks myself, "How am I going to do my Common Tests tomorrow?". And now, I post a missing 'individual'; A black pencil box that is made from a synthetic material. It gives more than 1 possible ways to conceal your items with 3 zipped pockets. The main pocket holds numerous pens and pencils. Now, they are vital instruments for me to pass my time in school. If you have seen it, contact me ASAP!

The last time I saw it was today morning. I was finishing my diary's entry. I remembered putting the box into my school bag and then zipped it up. Then, after the exhausting first 2 periods of PE, during A.Maths, I was stumbled to find no sign of my stationary. And so I thought, maybe I did NOT put it in my bag this morning. Maybe it was left on the table. Of course, my mom would figure that it belongs to me and voluntarily put it in my room. Home I reached, realised the bitter truth. It's not there.

Searched my room inside out, outside in. Nothing in sight. Even my mom didn't see anything of similar shape. One thing's for sure, it's not in my house. So if I really brought it to school, someone might have taken it during PE. Well, that's when my class all dumped our bags at the Big Steps.

One thing's for sure, I DON'T CARE. EVEN IF I AM TO FAIL MY CT. That person has a lot of nerves to take it a day before CT. He's so dead.

Don't Fry Your Balls

Yeah I know, I'm a bit vulgar. From time to time, you see me spilling my knowledge on things that do not actually deserve that much scolding. Partly blame it on the environment I'm in. Ask anyone in my school and I bet you lunch that they know the F-word. Oh wait, I can't bet. Partly blame it on me. My carefree attitude allowed me to learn these words. My degrading loyalty for my faith further rusts my armour against the ever influencing outside world. Many people have tried to eradicate this very existence just to live an undisturbed live of pure good. One good example is M. Night Syamalan's The Village. A group of people who suffered such unspeakable misfortunes gather to build a community, rid of modern's evil. In short, they live in a bubble. Good idea but it's like an country, NOT hitching onto the wave of globalization. Yeah, yeah. That means your economy's a stone in the water and your people are considered dumb comparing to the brains of people like us. Geez, they may also not know when Judgement Day will come.

But c'mon, life is like a river. Trees may suck you up. People bath in you and sometimes pee on you. But one thing is for sure, you don't stop flowing. It's WHAT YOU GONNA DO! For example, your friend talks about porn. So what do you do next? Go home and find the next web about it or tell him that it's wrong and he shouldn't talk about it. If you can't fight it, man, you totally suck. It's what you think that matters your next move, not what others think. One misconception about this is that some of us, think that our actions are not good enough. We lean on others for their opinions but deep inside, they power our actions. In this case, yeah, their thinking affect our next move, but it's BECAUSE that we think that their's matter more than us, we are SO easily influenced.

Now, I know I'm talking too much here but just remember this. A river keeps flowing. Don't stop trying. Understand the world and then tackle it.

Same goes for me, I could leave this house if I wanted. But the problem is a challenge, it provokes me to solve it.

Bad day, everyday.

Help.

Calling for help.

: (

Yesterday's..

Yesterday. I celebrated my crummy birthday. Or rather not. I was too fixated on the road I'm now on. Festivities like these is just a waste of my time. So for the whole day and night, I just kept quiet to myself and did my own work. Even my parent's beckoning did not budged me. I wouldn't care less about my birthday. It would be just a waste of time. And today, I have a lot of things to do. From studying for my upcoming A.Maths and Chem Test to completing my D&T work. This life is just to real. It seemed like it was just yesterday that I was sitting for my PSLE, but now, with just a few months to go for my O's, this is no dream.

Sometimes, I feel distracted. Distracted by this flaw I have in me. A flaw that even the greatest doctor nor the best surgeons could fix. This flaw has been my source of distraction ever since my 3rd year. Slowly, it consumes me under my nose. Then, at its' climax, it strikes like a cobra. This wild world can't be no distraction as well. It truly was an eventful year but too much events fall under the negative category. Well, I really hope January this year would be a good month. Though I would like to point out that she's still a distraction to me. Haiz.

Of all people, why her? The deadly mix of kindness and beautiful look just drags me into the dark cold abyss. And then the results, me. Some say that I have an attitude problem. Well, you're right. Let me share you my secret, the deep ones. I do have an attitude problem, but I'm more towards the kind that... I'm an attention seeker. Happy? Yeah, you don't probably understand why but that's me. Can't be perfect.

I'm starting to talk more jibber jabber. My english is not compact and I'm starting to become emo. Not again, my english is not compact. Haiz. On the last note, I would like to thank anyone who had read or currently IS reading the blog, Thanks guys, you give me a reason to blog.

Haiz. I do love her. STILL.

I WANT!

An all-in-one printer: HP Officejet Pro L7680
A new wireless router: Apple's Time Capsule
A new mouse: Apple Wireless Mighty Mouse
A new desktop: Apple iMac OR XPS One w/o Blu Ray

Or just maybe not. Don't want to celebrate anyway.

Priorities.

Robotics Mentor. AFGM. Student. Son. Human.

They are just a few of my many priorities, or rather 'occupations', I have right now. I'm beaten up. Too much beaten up. TODAY, I went to Ngee Ann Poly's Open House together with my class. And I thought my school was the only one there but it looks like they invited the whole nation! It was pretty packed, and so many goodies just outweigh that! That further proves that Ngee Ann is rich. Their open house is in such a HUGE scale! Also, they had this CCA Fiesta, or we call it in SAS CCA Display Day. It's just so much more organised and so much BETTER than our CCA Display Day! We also had this SUPER DELICIOUS donut! OMG!!!! I WANT ONE MORE! Wow! And the best part is that this event is run smoothly in 5 days! WOW! Ok enough about admin stuff.

I'm pretty much, more or less, informed about the available courses in poly. It just takes a whole new concept to the thinking that JC is much more better than Poly. With a variety of diplomas to choose from, Poly is now a more considerable choice. But my question still remains. What do I want to do?

I can go towards teaching. Though not much or no polys offer that path. JC brings you to uni where then, you can take it to teaching. Or should I go towards Psychology? Or maybe Digital Arts like Film And Media Studies or Info Comm Tech? Temasek looks like a good choice for that. So?

Well I'm still stuck. I thought I was on clear path to teaching? What happened to that? GEEZ...

I'm so distracted...

Whatever.

A lot of things are going thru my mind now. Too many things in fact. My aunt has just met with an accident earlier today. She was on her taxi home after she had met with my mom. No news of her yet but only that she has been hospitalised. It has been raining so I guess it made the road wet. The irony, as expressed by my mom, was that the taxi driver walked away safely. Well DUH. He was wearing a seatbelt when the car had its' uncontrollable minute! Unfortunately, my aunt was wearing one. I'll be waiting for any news of her. Hope she's well.

School has started about a week ago. Nothing much happened. The just-ordinary things happened and that made me a chairman. The list consists of my jolly-oh form teacher. Not only she is physically laughable [short, I mean], I'm sure if you spend some time sitting down at the far corner and notice all her actions, she is quite a teacher the MOE had in mind. A teacher, just a teacher. No emotions, may I suggest that? Or Just that she's private.

Well, my PSYCHOLOGICAL skills are sure on their best behaviour! On another note, I don't feel like me anymore. Just like the word 'anymore'. It's now ANY MORE. Man! There's a spacing? Anyway, I'm just not myself any more. I don't have any good memories and that just makes me worthless. Sigh. I'm just worthless.

So much for start afresh.

: (

My parents don't really cared about me...

Another Emo Post

There are no words, in my reality,
that can describe the way i feel.
It's hurting, but there's no pain.
It's injuring, but there's no blood.
It's painful, but there's no tear.
My face is ripped away from any expression,
hiding my true self.
Even hiding doesn't keep the peering eyes away,
so they will notice.
It help they might be, but a let down they can be.

My life is getting out of hand. And this is because of ME. But there's no use complaining if I can't really solve this. I'm being too emotional. "At the end of the day, I'm surprised to see that we human beings are so fragile in nature."

Wild World

I'm really going nuts. This is not what a perfectionist wants or should be doing. A perfectionist is someone who aces everything altogether at the same time. I must say though, there is no such thing as perfect. So in this world, a perfectionist cease to exists. This world is not perfect. It has the pros and cons. It is beautiful but it can chew one up and spilt it out in a blink of an eye. I once wanted to be a perfectionist. I wanted to predict the future and prove the world out there that being perfect is a reality. But maybe I define "being perfect" in a different way. Being perfect to me is getting all your dreams achieved and become what you really want. I think some of us define perfect as having a leisurely life where conditions are perfect and everything is going one's way. Hmm... sounds nice! Well, scrutinise those two statements and you'll find out why mine differs greatly than the one the world defines.

I wanted to be perfect as it gave me a sense of hope. I was thinking, if this sense of hope is constant, it'll further fuel me to glory and thus, achieving far greater results. This is backed up when I saw the damsel. She is everything I need. She could be my shoulder, my benchmark, my role model, my everything. She then, became my reason to live. But I lost her some time ago. . .

Now, I live with no reason.

Leave Me Alone

I sent an sms to her, hoping that sms would end my conflicts with her. However, that wasn't so. She seemed unwilling to speak to me. It was as though she was blaming me for everything that I have done. For that, it's true. It was because of me that made me ignore her, defy her and even hate her. So now, she can't believe that I did such things and wants me to carry the weights of judgement. Whatever she said is true and I can't false that. I can feel her pain when she looks at me, looking at a failed project that takes advantage of every living thing. It's an unbearable pain that I too can feel. So many sacrifices that she has made that were wasted like water down a drain but I want her to make one final sacrifice, to forgive me. If she doesn't want to, at least she could look at me and tell me that she knows what I'm doing and at the very least, understand me.

But I guess that would never happen. Even though I have felt hate over her, I can never get her out of my heart. Tonight I live in sorrow just to let her live.

It's Over

I broke her heart. And it's over.

My world is over.

So Why?

Problems surround us like water surrounds an island. They are endless and simple. A simple compound of H2O can save us from dehydration but it can kill us it there is too much. Water is blue but actually, they are colourless, true and transparent. Same with problems. They are true as they reflect what we really are, full of flaws.

: (

Robotics Meeting are nothing. They waste the time that were given. Is that how we really do things? Why can't we be perfect? Life would be so much easier and things will be done much faster. So what now? My club's full of idiots that can't even follow simple instructions. WHAT ARE THEY??? Oh wait, they are humans. They throw away the creativity and limit their minds. They believe everything but perfect. WE CAN be perfect. It's just that are we willing to trade something of equal value for that?

If humans don't believe in being perfect. What am I?