Did I Drive You Away?

I will always look out for you. Sometimes, more than ever, I would gaze through the window and hope you could catch a glance of me. And for that brief millisecond, you would notice the fear, the uncertainty and the void behind my eyes.

I would hope for you, second after second. I would wish you are here with me. I would, but I couldn't. Because times have changed us. Times have made us something different. If I had my time, I would be different. And so would you.

But it's too elusive. The closest thing I could get by was to at least hope that I had my way of time. To at least hope that things would go my way. To at least hope that you would walk by and see me. To at least hope that you would smile again. But then again, it's time.

For some, you got to at least try. For many, you have to at least do it right. For a handful, you must get it perfect.

It's a funny world we live in. Sometimes we look at mistakes to learn, other times, we scrutinise them and shun the doers. Times.

So mistakes are made. But you say let's learn. And you tell me that we should have our chins up. So let's be proud of it then. And tell me, what you really love. Tell me what is on your mind now.

I was told that it is not wrong to be proud. So share what you really love with me.

Conversations with Long Bus Rides

While my computer is being scanned for imminent danger, it makes my games so sluggish that you would GLADLY wait for the scan to finish AND then play. Which is probably a good idea as you would, or might, hasten the scanning. Well, I like to believe that. And the thing with virus scanning is that it is always long. No matter what.

You know what else is long? Bus rides.

I love long bus rides, because they make you think. Just imagine yourself sitting, or standing, there beside a complete stranger. Constantly hearing the revving of the bus and the conversations of many others. It seems boring. Try that for 2 hours of your life everyday. To make it less boring, you plug your ears and zone out. And when you 'zone out', you mind begins to drift.

It's like a dream. But you're awake. You think. We start with the music you listen. Then your eyes has full control. You look around and think. Awaking the fashion police in you. You look outside. Too blur to see. And then you go to yourself. Like what you did today, and what you going to do later. And as you drift further, you think deeper. Like you question yourself. Your decision making moments. You question your life, your faith. For some, it's already too deep. At this stage, they just stop and just get distracted by the music. And most of the time, you have already reached. It makes you think.

Though I do hate the sterile social scene in the bus. It's like "this-space-is-mine-that-space-is-yours-AND-DON'T-CROSS-TO-MY-SPACE!" Hey, I'm all for human rights and all but don't you think that modern bus rides just seem to 'quiet'? I just feel that way.

MAYBE it's just me ah. After all, I do like to have conversations. With everyone.

"Mmmmhmmm."

It's too hard. When for example, you have over 24 hours of music to choke down space for 10. That kinda sucks. If I had my way, I would put all 24. Not because I would want to listen to it all. But because I don't wanna choose.

Yeap. That lazy.

Holidays define you, tragically. Because you are left with so much hours alone, you tend to think a lot. Well, tend to think what to do next. Like should you play your games. Or catch a movie. Or hot the gym. Or eat, again. And when we are give so many choices, we kinda screw up.

Of course the ideal form I've seen is that given such numerous options, you just choose and get done over it. That's planning at it's core. But sometimes, the more liberal ones don't. Not saying that they are are being indecisive or anything. They just question more.

So the golden debate that has been ongoing for the past week; Should we be given choices?

"Mmmmhmmm." That's my grunt suggesting I don't exactly care.

When smiling seems harder nowadays.

Try to smile more. Just try.

I've found a better and much conducive place to hang my thoughts. It used to be the Alumni Clubhouse until it was infested with old people. Always bad. Haha. And then the clubroom was my next best. Only to be shortlived as I kinda became accustomed to the setting and grew too comfortable with it. And sometimes it reminded me of stuff.

I was shocked when a friend of mine considered me "emo" and suggested that I smile more often. Really? I don't smile? Yeah, think back and ask yourselves, WHEN was the last time you genuinely smiled? Like you smiled out of sheer ecstasy. Like you couldn't keep those 15 muscles tamed as they grew from end to end. Yeah, when was the last time you smiled?

And with the notion of 'karma'. When was the last time you gave a smile to a person? Must you give one to receive one? That kinda sucks right? I mean, it's not like CCA points where they are so dispensable. Smiles need a little ignition. A little more reason. A little more effort. So if we have to take a look at this way, don't you think it's a possibility that the threshold of allowing a smile is higher? Maybe we need more reason and more effort and more ignition for smiles to happen.

Now, ain't it complicated to just give a smile? Haha.

Screw you AutoCAD

Why do engineering software programs suck so much?

Really. I am doing up an additional task for one of my Electrical Engineering modules that handles a lot of drawing. Basically, it's schematic drawing that features a lot of straight lines, a lot of erasing and also a lot of engineering lingo. Bah. So you know me. The one who finds a shortcut way too often. My task was simple; Use AutoCAD Electrical 2012 and design a electrical wiring one-line diagram of a residential unit. It's just a side task for myself. I mean my main purpose is to refresh my AutoCAD skills. Since I've not touched it for months. Just something extra I like to do. Besides, it might fasten the process of diagram drawing. In real life, drawing it ain't a pain in the ass. But a few mouse clicks beat the whole of drawing lines. Until I realized why I don't touch that crappy software.

IT'S SO FRIGGIN' CONFUSING. I have to basically re-learn every single aspect of the software. I JUST WANT TO DRAW. Bleagh. It's to the point where it is irritating. I must specify the drawing sheet size. And that alone is 2 minutes of searching and 3 clicks away. And then there is this ridiculous help menu. Gosh. It's like teaching a zombie on how to "OPEN THE FILES". Really AutoCAD? Do I need that?

Which brings me to the most agreeable statement I have ever made:

"Engineers must stop making products for other engineers. They only make up 20% of the market."

But yeah, it is true that if a product is targeted for engineers, then by all means it should be done by an engineer. But engineers are humans too. So why don't they all make it a little easy and build a product that interacts well with the human side of feelings more rather than that engineer one.

C'mon AutoCAD, I just need to draw a friggin' one line diagram. LET ME DRAW DAMMIT. Hard? Which is why computers suck much. Now, I'd rather physically draw with the manual power of arm and fingers. And also, which to the dismay of many, is an indication of sorts that the engineering flame in me has his days numbered. Engineering is nice and all. But yeah, I like some other stuff more.

Then we can remotely link how the engineering world has progressed. Undoubtedly, that world has shrunk much more. And I always blame the explosion of electronics that combines multiple functions in a smaller package and machines just do a perfect better job than humans. But maybe not that anymore. Engineering is now just plain boring and confusing. Firstly, we are at the point of age where everything already seems to be invented. I'm speaking about the key engineering aspects like electricity, mechanics, civil and event electronics. But electronics just seem to be waiting on their laurels. It's no longer the way up. But rather the lateral direction.

Better products for the masses at a cheaper price. Better, faster, cheaper. The motto of an engineer. Damn you. And we lost interest to find better alternatives that we also lost people in that interest, per se. I won't entirely suggest they migrate to another field. Instead, some are stuck.

Engineers, give me a better reason to continue. Please?

Feeling like Waste

Was suppose to gym.
Was suppose to do up my WISP.
Was suppose to finish reading Outliers.
Was suppose to revise CA work.
Was suppose, but didn't.

As I was just too caught up hoping to get you back. Foolish me.

The Science of Fear (1): Indecisive

"Why are printers so fucking dumb?"

Really. Why? When they are suppose to print one friggin' document and they OUT OF THE BLUE tell me they just run our of ink. Decide numb-fucks. Don't tell me "Low On Ink". It's got ink or no ink. Can't you give me a definite answer? NO INK MEANS NO INK LA. Can't you put a sensor in that dumb cartridge at the bottom that works when that box is empty? Ass backwards printers. DECIDE TO BE USEFUL CAN?

Decisions sucks. Yeah, it forces you to think (I don't know why we can't like to think.) and it makes you wonder about the things you're not suppose to think. Like the what-ifs or the should I or the could I. The most dangerous one is the could I because it hangs you up in the air. You put yourself in an imaginary situation if you could have done that better... done this better... And then you think a lot more if you really did that. Then, you cast yourself in dire doubt that sinks you into near regret. All at the back, you are just brewing useless guilt.

Don't be dumb. Of course YOU could DO that. But you didn't. Don't waste your brain cells please. Come back to reality. The matter of fact, you didn't do your "Could I" moment. 2nd matter of fact, for those believers, is that fate/destiny/karma/ying and yang/whatever that decides your life have you not do that "Could I" moment. But for real, if you did do the "Could I" moment, it meant that you realised the need to do the "Could I" moment. And to realise it means that you either were so cautious in your work or you just know it because the last time round, you didn't do it. And you made it a point to do it this round. For my life, I have never seen anyone that cautious in his/her work. And even if I did, it would be some OCD kid who has been bullied since the start of time. Really. If you're that cautious, society has it that you have no life since your life is to be cautious. I'll put my 10 bucks bet on the "know it because the last time round, you didn't do it".

And then some might argue, "BUT hey! It means that I must *think* or fret over the "Could I" moments so that I would remember." Nope. You don't fret over it. You sit down, you just ask, ask now Why. And you move on from there. The fret-ters are like old aunties that complain under a void deck after a long morning of groceries shopping and kopi-o 'lepak'. They do that every Sunday. But they do nothing to do anything to stop complaining.

Fellas, please be 'decisive'. Decide for once in your life to do something. Save a kitty on a tree or something or help a lady cross the road. Once that is done, STICK TO IT. Don't be a girl that changes bfs like she changes her clothes. That makes you an indecisive slut.

I know you can't decide. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you can't handle the consequences of wrong decision. Maybe... just maybe... you suck. If you're scared, make yourself NOT TO BE scared. If you can't handle it, MAKE YOURSELF handle it. And if it helps, try fuelling yourself with fear. Or, this helps for me, think what if you succeed?